Sunday, May 31, 2009

What will it take to make or break this hint of love

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

There is such a mixture of feelings. I've never not wanted to let go of somebody so much. I've never forgiven somebody so easily. But at the same time, I've never had somebody make me feel so needy.. I've never had somebody make me feel so weak.

You're so independent, and fine with out me, which is what gets me the most.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

It's all based off of you

I will always remember the time when Matthew and I ran through the neighborhood, chasing after your car as you left driving home. It hurt everytime, it hurts every day. I will always remember you telling me about the first time you dropped me off at day care and sat outside and watched me at the playground and cried. Because it was so hard for you to give me away to anyone else. I keep in mind all the times that you walked in the rain a couple miles away from your appartment just so you could call us on a pay phone. Not even knowing if we'd answer or not.

When your appartment burned down you lost everything.
And you started out a new life with nothing to carry along with you.
You met people that told you that you could trust them, and they took everything you had. You went into a relationship with someone who told you that you were nothing. And you left. You went into a relationship where he told you that he was more important than your kids, and you left. You believed in someone that didn't believe in you and you left. You've taught me everything I know about loving yourself. You've made me feel more important than anyone ever has. It took so long for you to get where you are now. I am so happy that you're happy with your life. I wish you could get out of that town. I wish money wasn't an issue.

I was never angry at you for leaving. I know it's what had to be done. I know that you couldn't be the perfect house mom any longer. It was hard when you were so sick because of what those doctors did to you. It upsets me so much that David's going through the same thing, but won't listen to you when you're trying to help. It still amazes me that I can't think of one time where I was actually angry towards you. I'm sorry that you can't even get a phone call back from your own son, when you try to every day. I don't understand it. And I hate that you've gotten to the point where you've just grown used to it.

What I'm trying to say is you're the strongest person I know.
What I'm trying to say is you deserve to hear from David every once in a while.
What I'm trying to say is I miss you.. So much. Every day.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

William Fitzsimmons

"Don't let your faith into my heart
I will only let you down
Don't let your love grow too deep
I don't think I'll be around

There is a curse in my bones
That'll breath and fly again
Until when we both are ghosts
I will miss you my friend

Don't be afraid to move on
You were meant to be a child
Don't look for me when you're gone
It'll only hurt a while

They'll never take the good years
There are some that never burn
No, they'll never take the good years
God, I wish I would've learned"

I love every single one of his new songs.

I'll hold it all beneath my skin

Tonight I cleaned out the trunk of my car and found so many things that I should probably give back to you. My back seat was piled up with your clothes, cd's, bags, and your water bottle I bought you. In my trunk was a shot glass from the nights we would all go park somewhere and drink in my car because we had no where else to go. And there was this crumbled up piece of paper with drawings on it from the beginning of the year when we were sitting in the library. There was the sean paul CD that we would only play so we could laugh at it. When we played it so loud that my speakers stopped working. The mixed CD's that we'd listen to when driving to corvalis, and portland, or just around downtown.

And then I came across a film strip from a photo booth. And it was the three of us in all of the pictures. And they're all so ridiculous looking. But I remember that day. And I remember that was one of those days that I loved being your friend. It was a day where nothing went wrong. Where you weren't upset about something, and when I didn't have any anger towards you. In my cup holder was a small piece of paper that went along with the birthday present you gave me this month that said you hope all goes well. And usually, when I see those things, when I find things that trigger memories of people I've left behind, I start to miss them. But this time it was different. Because I didn't feel a thing. I do not miss you. There is no more anger. There is just no more desire for getting back to the way things used to be. And I don't know if it's because I am relieved to be away from you, or because I'm used to being away from people in general. It's probably a mixture of both.. But in a way, it sort of scares me.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Lessons being thrown back and forth

One thing that I have told myself all year, is that I have to lose the desire of control. Over myself. And over everyone else. I've felt like I accomplished losing that desire. But I really haven't.

Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. Everyone ends up okay. And really, what it all boils down to, is that I care too much. I am always the one that wants to come to the rescue. I have gotten so secure with myself that I'm starting to focus more on making everyone else around me feel the same way.

Everything will run its course.
Everything is being lead in the direction it is meant to be.
Where we are, is where we are supposed to be. And that's all that matters.

What I've learned, is we really can't help other people.
They can only help themselves.

You can't try to better someone.
You can only better yourself.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Got your chin held high, and you feel just fine, cause you do what you're told

I wish I were as close to you as I was when we were thirteen so I could say something or ask how you're doing.

You've always been known for your good looks. And I remember you always telling me how much you let yourself get caught up in it. Blonde hair, tan skin, bright blue eyes, and bleached white teeth. I'll always remember you telling me how we're all secure until we get around other people. I remember you loved yourself. You were always good enough, you met your standards even when everyone else tried to say you didn't meet theres. All through out your life you have had people try to destroy you. You've had so many people tell you that you aren't real, including me, and I remember ending things so terribly with you in eighth grade. I'm sorry for that. We were young. We were dumb. Looking for a flaw in you is pretty hard to find. You looked so great before. And I just wonder what you see in the mirror now. You don't have that smile that you used to have. I don't see the energy that used to come off of you. And those are just observations based off of the couple times that we pass by in the halls, which is saying something.

You're always under every ones eyes, and I know there's a lot of pressure on you. I know you have so many expectations to meet up to.

Now every time I see you, my jaw drops.
You are skin and bones, and I'm actually concerned.
I want to be there for you so badly.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's just what anyone would do

it wasn't what i wanted
but this isn't what i want either

Monday, May 18, 2009


I just want to let you know how important it was to me hearing what you said a couple weekends ago. I am still thinking about it. You coming up to me, and pulling me away from everybody, with in a second I knew what you were going to say. When I wrote that post on here a couple months ago, I never expected you to see it. When you told me that your family printed it out, when you gave me a hug, when you told me what it meant to you, I felt something that I've really never felt before. I felt a connection with somebody that I don't know very well, which is something I haven't felt for such a long time. And I hardly knew what to say back. But all I can think now is still the same as what I thought a couple months ago. You're powerful. Your words, are powerful. You ended it with a thank you. And we were seperated and went back with the people we came with.

It doesn't matter if we do not say a word to each other for the rest of high school, because I will always remember what you said to me that night.

I hope you know just how strong you really are, Abbie. Shine on.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Everything is going to the beat

All of my friends are being torn in different directions.
All of myself is being torn into different directions.
But I am so extremely happy. And that's what makes me think that we were wrong all along. You know that somethings not right in the friendship, when you feel like you're happier with out them.

I'll leave it at this, I know exactly what I'm doing.
I've known all along. And I promise that this is the best thing that I can do for you, and the best thing I can do for myself.

I never meant for anything to be permanent. I never intended that I wanted it to be. All I wanted and needed was a break. And all our friendship really needed was better communication. I was sick of hearing it from everyone else. I wanted to hear every single complaint you had about me, to be told to me face to face. Last night was awkward hopping to different parties, and seeing you at all of them there, but not saying anything to each other. Even when we were standing a foot apart.

But maybe I should be the first to say that we're not going to change for each other.

I'll admit it, if you will too.
We are both such stubborn people.
It's what kept us together. It's what tore us apart.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Nights of the living dead

My junior Prom Night was not even close to what I expected. It was so much more.
I'm all for unplanned nights, and making decisions at the very last minute.

What made this night so perfect was having our own hotel room. Pitching in all of our money so we have a place to call ours. Just for one night. While the girls get ready in the bathroom, and the music is playing, and the room smells strong of cologne and perfume. While we all dress up in our brand new clothes. Which was us dressing up in our parents money, or our paychecks, or our savings, and knowing that it's worth it, even if it's just for a night.

What made it perfect was all the unexpected twists. Getting kicked out of our room, having to talk to the cops, and then going to the dance floor and forgetting about it all. I love my friends. And how hilarious they make every single thing. Prom itself was followed by a trip downtown to pick up the alcohol, which was followed by a packed full party. Followed by a filled shot glass. Followed by ten more. And just when I thought the night couldn't get any better, the cops showed up to the party. And usually that's supposed to be a bad thing. But I couldn't help it that I loved it. You can't help but to love the rush. The adrenaline. The running. Hopping fences. Sirens flashing. People yelling. Falling and messing up the outfit you tried so hard to keep clean all night. Our parents money, our paychecks, our savings.. covered in dirt. And you don't care because, when are you ever wearing it again? It feels great.

Then when things couldn't get any more unexpected, we're pulled in to a three story town house by a random guy. And that sounds scary. But you can tell the difference when you're in contact with a creep, and when you're in contact with someone who's just trying to help. And he wasn't a creep. He told us, "I've been there before." He said, "Ha, I've ran from the cops many times." He said, "I lived for nights like those." He said, "You guys are young, this is what you're supposed to be doing." He got us water, he gave us food, we layed on the fancy leather couches and watched out the huge windows. Watching the cops drive by outside, while everyone else was still running, still hopping fences. Still in panic. And then more people show up. And it's just a bunch of us laughing our ass off at the random situation. The cops cleared, and he told us to leave. But the night wasn't over. We couldn't let it end yet. We got in a car, and drove to the next party. And then drove to the rave. All of us with something rushing through our bodies. Whether it's something we drank, inhaled, sniffed, or swallowed. For one night, we all put our bodies through hell. Starting all perfectly dressed up, and put together, and ending the night crashed in beds with scrapes, and bruises, and stains, dead cell phones, no money, light headed, and knowing we just had one of the best nights of our lives.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

All that shimmers in this place

The world does not stop for anybody.

Because even when you die, the world keeps adding in more people. It's amazing, and it's freaky to think after that, that's it. We are all simply just numbers in the population that will be subtracted and replaced with another human being. Another number. The population does not go down. It keeps going, and keeps growing, every single second.

But it's a shock isn't it?
There really isn't enough time to waste.
While we're still a number in the growing population, all we can do is enjoy it.

I am so excited. And my only reason is because I'm alive.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

You'll forget who, or how, or why, or when

I have come to a conclusion.

I am always trying to change people. I am beyond tired of all of your materialistic views on everything. I understand, having nice things, it's great. I love it too. Have those nice things, love those nice things. But I do not understand letting it become your whole life. It's things like that, that make me want to bust into peoples minds and try to change it up. I am always trying to fix their problems. I try to make living examples, actual occurrences, to prove to them that they're wrong. And it's wrong. It's so wrong of me. I'm always trying to show them a better way of living. I always view myself as superior. I look at myself, and am proud of my way of living, and start to think everyone should feel like I feel. Everyone should live like me. But really, you can't ever change anybody. You cannot change somebodies culture or their way of seeing things.

And so this time it's going to be different.
This time there isn't going to be a big mess of an ending.
This time I'm not going to point out to you that your way of living is wrong.
I'm just going to chose to not be a part of it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The low fuel lights been on for days, doesn't mean anything

I live for nights like last night.
I love making weekdays feel like weekends. I love road trips, even if it was just to Portland.

Red, yellow, and green lights shining through the car.
Headlights passing by, projected on our faces.
Music blasting, feeling the bass.
Eye contact through rear view mirrors.
Telling stories and talking about nothing to pass time.
All the things we bought sitting in the back seat.
And knowing that we're on our own. It's true that once you start driving, the world feels like it's yours. It was my first road trip with my car, and it feels like I'm unlimited on the places I can go.

I love looking for nothing but adventure. I love the small things that give me such a big rush. I take back complaining about my job and how much time it takes up, because it makes my free time with my friends so much better than it was before. And it helped me with things that I would never be able to achieve in the past.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Solo Impala (take the money and run)

I have a thick wallet
But hardly any free time to do anything on the weekends..
I mean, even my sundays, I'm working all night.

I get off work, and then have a couple hours until every one ends the night.

I keep repeating over and over in my head what Mon said last night
and keep getting more pissed off about it.
"So for summer working plans.. You're going to be in Eugene most of the time?"

Goodbye to a long trip in Idaho, seeing my mom.
Goodbye all the roadtrips I planned.
Hello to only having three days out of the week free.

I have no bills to pay. I am sixteen. I don't have any money responsibilities yet. I took this job to feed my hunger for my expensive living taste. It's deceiving. You get the money, and then all of a sudden all of the things you desired aren't as appealing as they were before. It's so easy to get sucked in to believing money is all you need. I'm chasing it, and missing out on plenty of things that I'd like to be in on, and it's only my third week of working.

So let me try to find the good in this..
What exactly am I working for again?..

Friday, May 1, 2009

Can you find all that you stand for

Whenever things get going good for me, people throw a ton of negativity my way. And it doesn't work. What you were saying to me in class today was getting you all worked up for nothing. And you laugh loudly so I'll hear you. And you start stuttering when you speak. And you might as well stop and let yourself calm down. Because your plan is not working. Because even if your attempts did make me unhappy, it wouldn't make you happier yourself. Because once you realize me being weak, makes you feel stronger, you realize that your energy is wasted on hating me. You realize you care much more than you want to.

We never ended anything on bad terms.
And I'm not going to stop being nice to you, because I want to keep it that way.