Friday, January 29, 2010

Voice On Tape

There's something about my phone calls with my mom lately that make me so upset. Most of the time, we play phone tag. It's me on her machine, it's hers on mine, and then a couple days later one of us answers. But she always sounds so concerned when we talk.. It's what made my brothers stop calling. It's like she doesn't listen when I tell her the good things going on in my life, and she only asks about the bad. Every conversation is, "Are you happy?" or, "Are you and your dad okay?" It's what she always warned me about when I was younger. When I was little I would call her every single night, usually at the same time. No matter where I was. Even when she was in the same town. I couldn't fall asleep with out her saying, "Goodnight, I love you, sweet dreams." I love mine and my moms relationship, that I could still feel so close to her when I was only hearing her voice through telephone wires or satellites. She'd say to me, "I'll worry every single day for you guys. Wondering how your day went. Wondering if you're okay. And when I call it's the only way to make sure.." I'd say to her everytime, "I'll always call you, mom."

I look at family now, and everyone around me, and realize as you get older it really does become one of those things that I never wanted to imagine. Family calls family to see how they're doing, because it's been a while, because they need to catch up, because it'd probably be nice to let them know you're thinking about them. But then it's all this catch up and small talk. My mom says things like, "How have you been lately?" or "What's new?" and I hate that. My mom is my best friend and we don't need catch up talk.

One time when I was really young, we were at Harry's house and we were both in the basement sitting on the couch, I think it was one of my last days being there because the same conversation came up again. She said to me, "Your brothers stopped calling.. and it's okay. You will too." I said, "I promise I won't." She said, "It's okay.." And I kept saying, I won't, I won't. She didn't respond so I started pounding my hands into the couch and started crying, "Mom I will never stop calling you." She hugged me and I put my head into her shoulder. She rubbed my back and kept saying, "It's okay.. I believe you.. It's okay.."

I miss her so much. I miss our roadtrips together.. Staying in hotels more than staying in homes. Waking up in a hotel room to the smell of her brewing coffee, and hairspray. I miss making her laugh. I miss the ways she used to entertain me and how hard she tried, mine and my brothers happiness is the most important thing in the world to her. I miss the strength of the two words, "It's okay." and how okay I felt when she would say them. And to tell the truth.. I feel like I've let her down. I hate my brothers for not seeing what I see.

I feel like I call her at my worst points, I feel like I put even more fear into her, that I'm something else to worry about. Sometimes it feels like everything I hate about my life, she tries to hate with me too. And all I need really need, to see how ridiculous I can be, is an echo. Today when she called she said in a concerned tone,
"Do you have to work all weekend?"
I tried to sound positive, I said, "Yeah! I do."
She then says, "So the semesters over?..." I say, "Mhm."
"And did you pass you classes?"
"What are you going to do? Does dad know this ahead of time? Will this be a surprise to him?"
"I think he knows.."
"Will you tell David to call Grandma? He never called her on Christmas."
"Mom, he won't call.."
"Has Matthew still not talked to you?"
"He won't even look at me."
"It'll be okay, he'll forgive.."
"Maybe. I have to get going though, I'm leaving for work soon."
"Okay, I guess I'll just talk to you later this weekend?"
"Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow."
"I love you, Michael."
"I love you, too."

And I hung up frustrated. Thinking about the words, "It's okay." And wishing they felt the same, wishing she didn't have to check what else I'm doing wrong. And not only am I starting to feel like I've made her fear, but I'm starting to feel like I've abandoned what we used to be.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I'm either too tired, or too out of my normal state of mind to speak. there's only a couple hours out of each day where it's not like that. I feel okay because I really don't feel a thing. But I have a lot in my head that hasn't come out to anybody. I'm forgetting all the things I like about myself and staying hidden instead. Every day has felt like a lesson, maybe a replacement for me not going to class. I've learned more in the past few months than school has ever taught me.. But I'm also failing all of my classes. And I'm always getting letters about attendance officers, or alternative ways to graduate. And all of a sudden all I can think about is the one thing I hate to think about the most, the future.

Confidence is so important, and it's what I'm lacking the most right now.

I'm scared for my dad to come home and once again rub in my face that I'm a failure when he gets a call from the school tonight. Today I'm staying in my room, I'm not leaving. I'm not driving away. I'm not going to smoke and I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to stay in my room and let myself be, instead of pulling in distractions. I don't think about much anymore, and if I do, I don't say anything about it. I hold it in. I haven't actually been alone for the past couple weeks. I mean, I'm not lonely anymore. You can't be when your best friend is living downstairs. I'm trying my hardest to let myself, and let things be okay. To not alter anything. And to not react to things and see if they go away. I'm leaving everything untouched for now, and just watching things pass me by.

I miss Matthew, and I think that's just one of the biggest things that has been eating away at me the most the past few days. How do you tell your own brother that you support him going into the army when you really don't know if you do?
He says, "I don't care if we never say a word again."
He doesn't see I'm trying.

I put it together and I thought, if it's what he wants, really what he wants to do, I have to accept that. I put it into words and I sent him a message, I kept it short, I made it simple.. But it was ignored. Just like my texts, just like my calls, just like when he's at the house and he won't even look at me. I feel like once I wasn't a child anymore, was the day he started hating me. For ruining his weekend nights when he was a teenager, for getting in the way of the things he wants. Maybe he hates me because he thinks I don't understand him. He's leaving in three months, and I don't just want to be a grudge that he's holding. I want my brothers back. Both of them. We don't even feel like a family anymore, I hate when my mom asks me how they are and I always have to say, "I don't know I haven't talked to them in so long. I miss them." And then she goes, "You miss them? Michael, I talk to David about three times a year." And then the very next day it's the same thing again, "What's going on with Matthew and David?" And once again.. "I don't know.."

Matthews at the house right now, and I'm too scared to even try saying anything to him or open my door. Cammisha's still at school and wont be home until tonight, and my Dad and Susan are still at work. I have no one around me, and I have nothing to distract me. So today I'm going to trap myself. Today I'm going to let it all in. But mostly, I'm going to forgive, and I'm going to drop my grudges, too. Because grudges arent all just anger. But a fear that picks away at you as you hold it close.

Today I start on dropping my grudges against myself.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I remember you told me to take it easy

One thing that will always be constant, is people always change. And I mean, I know that's obvious.. But it always has amazed me seeing people I haven't seen in a while, and seeing how they end up. In middle school I had this friend named Julia. She was my first cruel friend. I met her through Justin, or maybe it was Mackenzie.. I'm not really sure anymore. Julia introduced me to people I never thought I would know, and brought me into things that were out of my comfort zone. Every day we spent time together felt like some type of lesson. Like I was a blank disk and she was trying to record on me. She was my first friend who would be honest to me about everything, her way of helping me. She would say in front of a big group of people that we were with, out loud, in front of everyone, that I was being awkward. She would tell you her tricks, and then show them on other people in front of you. She would push my phone away from me when my dad was texting me saying come home and say, "Lets go somewhere." instead. She pointed out things in people I never noticed. She made fun of everyone. My friends, her friends, me, herself, everyone. People hated her because everyone knew they were a target in her eyes. Anybody that walked by, something would be said. She would speak loud enough so people would hear here, and then laugh real loudly. She was the perfect example of what your parents told you to stay away from when you were younger, she was exactly what people described as the type of person as "someone who has no confidence." She said she looks in the mirror every day and says the things she hates about herself. She had her problems, but she still had her confidence, too. What always amazed me was how everything she did, seemed like it was all planned out to the core. It all went so perfectly, fit right into plan, was in single file, like it went exactly the way she intended. She tells me she wants to know my best friend Mackenzie, and then Mackenzie is her next door neighbor. And now going to Mackenzie's house is hopping over the fence in the middle of the night to go to Julias. And little by little I watched Mackenzie become everything Julia was creating her into, everything I never let her record on me. She never wanted to stay at home. She would never let her mom drop us off infront of anyone because she said her moms car was embarrassing and her mom in general was embarrassing. We didn't have cars, so we'd just walk everywhere. And somehow everywhere we went, she would take us to come across the funniest things, she's one of the funniest people I've ever known. How did we end up here, and this exact time, for that hilarious thing to just happen? It's like there was a script hidden somewhere. We would go to sheldon and she'd bring this old blue boom box and turn the volume all the way up, we layed on the concrete. She was either blasting the Indian music station, or opera, because it was funnier. The summer night when she saw a door open to the school and told us to follow her as we snuck in. We ran through the halls until we heard someone yell something at us, and we all ran out and ended up hiding behind a big bush, which we never really left from. I remember the first cigarette she handed to Mackenzie, and the first time they snuck to the backyard to get high. I remember her telling me to not trust her. She took the longest time getting ready, and would refuse to go somewhere if there was something wrong with how she looked. But one time it was pouring while we were at her house so I made her go outside, we walked through her neighborhood in it until she had soaked hair and smeared make up. And when we took pictures, or when I took pictures of her, she didn't hide her face. She kept smiling and kicking the puddles. That was one of my favorite times.

When she ended things with people, whether it was relationships or friendships, it was always in a cold way. Not really cruel, just so quickly and when you would least expect it. It was sort of a mutual understanding with everyone that came into her life, that you were just temporary. She made that clear. I even remember talking to her about graduation in high school and saying something like, "We have to do something crazy before or after graduation." And she said, "Will we even still be friends by then?" Sometimes there wasn't a reason for her leaving, and sometimes she wouldn't even bring them up again, but she always knew when and how to do it, or how to push them away. The last time I remember spending time with her was a little before my freshman year. We hadn't seen each other for a couple weeks, I guess we sort of just stopped talking. We were in front of Sheldon with a pretty random group of people and a couple mutual friends. And nothing had happened between us, at all, the last time I could remember us hanging out before that was us sitting on her front steps eating top ramen raw, and watching cars go by. While we were standing there, a couple weeks later, she wouldn't look at me. She'd be laughing about something else with someone else, and I didn't even try to talk to her because she didn't either.. It was weird. And when we left, we didn't say anything. I didn't see her at school anymore. I didn't text her anymore. I didn't go to hers, or Mackenzie's house anymore. She was on to the next one, and every year I saw her less and less.

Yesterday she added me on Facebook. A couple years ago she deleted everyone she had known off of Myspace and Facebook when she switched schools. I was surprised to see we had no mutual friends, she added me first before anyone else.. But what surprised me more, was what she had become. She's engaged, and there's all these pictures of her her and her fiance who now live with each other in Washington. She's 18. Now she loves big trucks and shotguns. She likes country music and dresses like a "cowgirl." She is everything that she would make fun of in the past. Posting pictures she of herself that she would make me delete back then. It's like she had all these social rules before, that she completely dropped now. It's all so different to the point where I wondered if she's even really being serious. Like maybe this is just another lifestyle she's testing out.. Because I had watch her switch her rolls so many times before. But when I thought about it, and when I kept looking through the pictures, I was thinking maybe she really is happy now. Maybe going to Washington was her final exit, and maybe she's in the place she always wanted to be before. I think she was miserable being stuck in what she had to be here in Eugene. And I think we're all just waiting for our turn. For everything to fall into the places we want them to be. She ended up happy with things that could have never pleased her before.

If I would of told julia this is how she would turn out four years ago, she would of laughed, and told me to shut up. And that's what makes my head spin. If there's one thing I can expect, and accept, it's that my roll will change one million times, but I myself, will end up happy too. Our future really can't be seen.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Murphy's Laws

I stared at this blank screen for a long time and tried to figure out how to start this, but I don't know how. I'm happy lately. I guess that's a good start. My best friend is living with me, I haven't missed one class for two weeks, and I'm actually trying to put myself back together for once. Because when big details in your life collapse, you can't let the rest of the little ones that hold you together collapse, too. I am taking fear out of my life as much as I can. I fear for everything. And it's what has lead me here. I've learned a lot about myself and so many people in my life with in just the past month. And the last two months really have been the most significant to me..

The first night Cammisha moved all of her things into my house, after all the yelling, and chaos, after everything calmed down, she was sitting on her new bed in her new room with all of her suitcases and boxes around her. She told me about Murphy's Law. Which states, "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." You're supposed to hate the law because it's all things that make a bad day. I was upset when I read, "A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation." But I disagree.. Because I do believe once you stop hoping bad things won't happen, you'll stop hurting when they do. They're all negative, and they're harsh and brutal honest.. But that's the point. Life is not fair and it never will be. Murphy's Law is to not expect anything to go the way you want it to, and learn to accept that everything goes wrong. Every harsh honesty comes with a lesson, and every pain we need to learn how to take. It's not about looking for the positive in bad things, because that's something you have to do entirely on your own. It's about knowing that nobody gets it easy or can get around anything, and no matter how much you want to avoid the bad, it will always come. And you can't let the good slip away from you because of it. Things go wrong to test our strength. You make yourself strong by knowing what will always be around the corner. It's about things that don't really have a bright side. But as long as you know it's coming, that's all that matters. It's all about the truth. Things we look past. It's all about the things we try not to follow or believe. There's this big list I found of ones he's created and ones that other people made based off of Murphy's main ideas on life, love, war, music, and everything in between.. I liked these ones the most:

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.
You will always find something in the last place you look.
If your looking for more than one thing, you'll find the most important one last.
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

The other line always moves faster.
Doing it the hard way is always easier in the long run.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Everything takes longer than you think.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.
If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face.

Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.

If success is at first not achieved, every effort will be made to hide the fact that it was even attempted.

People who smile when things are going wrong have already thought of who will get the blame.

If you cannot convince people, confuse them.
If everything is coming your way, watch out.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk a lot less.
Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do when everything goes wrong.
The length of a minute depends on what your are waiting for.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Things always get worse before they get better.
Bad weather reports are right more often than sunny ones.
The first place to look for something is the last place you expect to find it.
As soon as you switch lanes, your old lane speeds up.
The worse the haircut, the slower it grows out.
Anybody who says they have no regrets, is lying.
We all come alone, we all go alone.
The more hungry, the less food in the fridge.
Nothing will ever be exactly how you picture it.
The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed.
Your favorite coworker will end up leaving.
If you're running late the bus will be too.
Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.
All bleeding stops... eventually.
Friendly fire - isn't.
Love will be lost.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
The later you are running, the slower the people in front of you, and on any accessible side are going to drive.
Your phone will die when you need it the most.

If you have a pen, there's no paper. If you have paper, there's no pen. If you have both, it will be a wrong number.

When you try to prove to someone that a machine doesn't work, it will always work perfectly once you show them.

Law of Planning: Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to really plan anything.

When the world solves one problem, the solution will usually create another problem, far worse than the first one.

Progress is the endless exchange of one problem for another.
Just because you studied, doesn't mean you'll pass.
Whatever plan you make, there is a hidden difficulty somewhere that will derail it.
The one emergency for which you are fully prepared will never happen.
Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
No one can ever leave anything well enough alone.
Whatever happens, look as though you intended it to happen.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
When things go wrong, they go wrong all at once, and at the worst possible time.
Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone. The worst happen when you're with somebody that you're trying to impress.
When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.

Nobody can truly ever understand how you feel.
Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.
Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.
Enjoy the good, because it's not as bad as you think, there's worse to come.
It takes forever to learn the rules and once you've learned them they change again.
You will find an easy way to do it, after you've finished doing it.
Accept the fact that nothing is fully yours.
Whatever you want to be, expect it to change.
If you plan too much, it's going to be a disaster.
You are not going to win the lottery.
Your spouse wins, then leaves you.
The more you try to sleep, you won't.
Common sense is not so common.

Two wrongs don't make a right. It usually takes three or four.
The key of happiness is to be okay with not being okay.
You're only lost if you admit it.
Don't do it if you can't keep up.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Nothing improves with age.
Love obscures common sense.
If you love a person let them go. If they don't come back, they weren't worth it.
The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most.
Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.

Hiding things doesn't really keep them away.
Don't deny being addicted, you'll become even more addicted.
It doesn't matter how many times you've done it, that doesn't mean you know it.
If you're expecting they won't call back, they won't call back.
If you expect someone to never leave you, you're setting up for disaster.

We build ourselves too much off of expectations for the better.. Knowing that there's a high possibility of so many things going wrong, isn't supposed to depress you. You're supposed to be able to laugh off the things that pop up in your day. You're supposed to know to keep going. Expect the worst. Love the best. And don't underestimate anything.

It's not something to live by, it's something to accept.

"But, remember, just when you think you know all the laws, another one appears."

Monday, January 11, 2010

Special Needs

I was going through my old facebook messages tonight in my inbox, just because I don't really know how to make myself fall asleep anymore, and there was this message from you that was sent in July. I was at Kyles house and he was on the phone with Rayven, while Nick was asleep on the floor. And we were sending video messages to each other back and forth. And I remember that night, kyle was getting annoyed cause I kept laughing loud and was scared I was going to wake up his parents. Tonight I scrolled back up to one of the videos I forgot to watch and it's just you saying, "I love you, Michael." And I felt how amazing it feels to hear that. I think about our conversation last night.. And I still can't even put together words to say back. I'm stuck in between feeling shock and repetition and I don't know what to believe anymore. All of a sudden everything that has hurt so bad these past couple weeks has me thinking, "Then what the hell was that?"

The whole time I was out last night, I couldn't even speak. I kept repeating in my head how all I've been thinking about is you. I thought about the things I was pulling together, and the things that were pulling me apart. The past few nights that I had to get high just so I could stop thinking and fall asleep. I drew myself away from everything and the whole time would be defending us whenever I'd talk about it. Defending your feelings for you. To everyone, and to myself. I'm thinking.. even if it was a short period of time, how come I still loved you through out every minute of that hell, but you didn't? How could you now? What brought it back? How could you say it was never going to happen again, make me draw all these conclusions, and then bring me right back to where we started?

I'm at a loss for words, and actions. We both want to be in each others lives but I'm starting to think maybe it's for different reasons. That you need me when you need somebody to fill in a space, and I always need you. That maybe you want me around, but in a different way, a way that you can distance yourself from every once in a while because it'd be a friendship, and it'd be okay to do that way. A relationship, a steady relationship, maybe isn't something you're ready for. Something you can stick your feelings to.

I keep seeing myself in so many different ways, but don't know what one seems better. A life where I move on with myself, or a life that I move on with you. I've thought about me leaving town at the end of this summer and thought, my life will keep moving both ways.. But what about while I'm still here? I still love her. I do want you back in my life even if we're nothing but two people that love each other, even if we're just friends, even if we don't know what we're doing. When I asked if you were busy, it's because I wanted you to come over. I called and then I hung up. Because I didn't know what I'd say.. I want you back but with a brand new start. Maybe that's what I was starting already without you. But you're here now.. and you do care, and I felt it from the day you said you didn't. And now my plans and beliefs once again have taken a sharp U turn and I'm stopped facing ahead and trying to figure out where do I go from here? Where do we go from here?.. And the question that I kept pleading out on the phone is repeating again, "Just tell me what you want.."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

If you're going through hell, keep going.

"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost.
Doesn't mean I'll stop, doesn't mean I'll cross.
Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt.
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve..
No better and no worse..

I just got lost, with every river that I tried to cross.
Every door I ever tried was locked.
And I'm just waiting until the shine wears off."

I'm trying, I'm really trying, to keep on.
But I know that the ways I'm doing it are unhealthy.
I'm reminding myself that this isn't going to be forever, this pain, or what I want. That one day I'll get there. But it's so hard to keep moving.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Looking For Alaska

"Because you simply can't draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the band-aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved."

"I'm not going to be one of those people who sits around talking about what they're going to do or become. I'm just going to do it. Imagining the future is kind of nostalgia. You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how amazing it will be, and imagining the future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."

"Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the war."

"It's not about life or death, the labyrinth."
"So what is it?"
"Suffering." she said. "Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?"
"What's wrong?.."
"Nothings wrong. But there's always suffering pudge. Homework or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away. Suffering is universal and it's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about."
I opened my mouth again but this time not to speak, and she reached up and put a finger to my lips and said, "Shh. Shh. Don't ruin it."

You should love your crooked neighbour with your crooked heart.

Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

..."Ya'll smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die."

I found myself thinking about President William McKinley, the third American president to be assassinated. He lived for several days after he was shot, and toward the end, his wife started crying and screaming, "I want to go too. I want to go too." And with his last measure of strength, McKinley turned to her and spoke his last words: "We are all going."

There comes a time when we realize that our parents cannot save themselves or save us, that everyone who wades through time eventually gets dragged out to sea by the undertow- that, in short, "We are all going," McKinley said to his wife, and we sure are. There's your labyrinth of suffering. We are all going. Find your way out of that maze.

"Everything that comes together falls apart," the old man said. "Everything. The chair I'm sitting on. It was built, and so it will fall apart. I'm gonna fall apart, probably before this chair. And you're gonna fall apart. The cells and organs and systems that make you you- they came together, grew together, and so they must fall apart. The Buddha knew one thing science didn't prove for millennial after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."
It applies to turtles and turtle necks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did.

Because even memories fall apart, too. And then you're left with nothing, left not even with a ghost but with its shadow.

He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.
I would never know why she left, but not knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart.

I still think that sometimes, that maybe "the afterlife" is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled. But ultimately I do not believe she was only matter. The rest of her must get recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than just the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you still do not get her. There is something else entirely. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed.

...Energy is never created and never destroyed.

Forgetting her mother, failing her mother and her friends and herself- those are awful things, but those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it can't fail.

A cold comfort for change

I want to go back to that phone call. I want to take back taking those shots, and emptying those cups. Every little detail matters. But that doesn't mean it would change everything. I didn't understand you stopping, but I know you did love me. Every break up, every single time we ended my friends, my family, everybody important in my life would tell me to not go back, and I always did. Because when you'd get confused, and you'd give yourself space, you'd come back again and say you still love me, and I knew you meant it every time. I took us back every time because it wasn't dead. It did all mean something.. That no, we weren't perfect. But we were real.

I want you to know that every single thing I've written, said, or felt for you has been 100% real from the bottom of my heart. But that phone call, that night.. was me at my worst. It was an absolutely desperate, crying, scared, hopeless version of me. And the whole time I was making myself think of things that I ignored, things that I never objected to, things that I always pushed aside for us. I thought about nights when you were so unpredictable with what you would do, like Halloween night, when you wouldn't know what to do with how you felt, so you threw it at me. But it never led me to stop forgiving, or stop trusting.. I trusted you the same in our relationship, I trusted you the same as a person. But most of all I cared for you all the same. I stuck by my feelings for you no matter what we went through. I kept my love for you because it was too important to get away from me..

It's like I go through these outcomes and I try to make them as good as I can.. You broke up with me, but you still love me, that's okay. I'm okay. And then, You don't love me, but you're still with me, and that's okay. But when you don't love me, and when you don't need me, and when you're not with me, I'm not okay. And I know you're not coming back, and I know that I have to keep moving.. but I still carry you with me. That's the hard part. My feelings for you are still with me. And I'm okay with it.. What I felt for you was real, and what I feel for you is real, and I can't push it away on my own. The other night at work Cammisha said to me, "Not trying to stop your feelings for her is like knowing you have cancer and not fighting it. You have to find your cure." It gave me chills and it really got to me, but every single day I'm realizing that it has always been impossible for me to just stop. That I feel like walking away from something I can never get back. Maybe once this gets easier, once everything doesn't feel so heavy, it'll be easier to put those feelings in the past.. I know that one day it will be okay, I will be okay. But it's so hard to picture when you were always what made me okay.

I am so sorry for saying you didn't care.. Maybe disliking me makes it easier for you, and maybe even that will fade into nothing one day. But maybe we just don't understand each other anymore. What I always loved about you is you always told me that people are so often misunderstood, that their actions don't always define them enough.. That there's so much more behind what they do, what they say, what they are.. I badly want so much from you that I know I can't have, but all that I need from you isn't to understand me, or my feelings for you, or what I want, because I know that you can't do that anymore. I just want you to understand that I know you loved me.. I really do.. No matter what we went through, you couldn't have loved me better.. and to know that I have always loved you. Maybe that doesn't mean a whole lot to you but really, that means everything to me. Because everything we were, is all that I have left.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

If I was occupied by the time that was given

I've come up for a million different reasons to hate myself because of this. I keep repeating in my head things I could have done or could have not done, and destroying myself over it little by little. But this is taking me nowhere. I know that sometimes, when you're in a warm place you want to stay there. Even if it's a place that's unhealthy for you to be.. But to get to a better place, a warmer place, you have to go out into the cold. I know that sounds so dumb, but that's what I've been scared of doing for the past year. Going through the part where you're not here. And even when you're physically not here, not letting you be more than just a part of me.. I'm keeping a promise to myself to not let myself be taken over with anger because even if what we have is terrible now, I don't want to touch what was once good. I don't want it to be looked back on as something different than it ever should be. It was what it was and I'm starting on my way to a life without you.

This doesn't feel like all the other times we ended. I have never felt so away from you or myself. This is a pain that I'm not used to, but because all the other times I still had so much faith in me left for us, but that's shrinking. That should be gone. What we have is done, and that is it. I miss you and I shouldn't. I've been told I shouldn't, and I feel like it's so wrong of me to still feel anything for you. I still want us back so bad, and I'm so angry with myself for that, for never being able to give up. I have nothing but myself and my regrets, and I want to hate you for this, but I'm thinking one day I'll thank you for this.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Room 257

I don't understand how I can go from sipping champagne in a hotel room with my friends, laughing so hard that I'm falling off the bed, watching a movie- to having my emotions taken over by you just a couple moments later. I should of looked at that text differently, the one I got a 4:00 in the morning. "I'm going crazy thinking about everything we've been through." I said, "Just call me." You said, "Sure." I went to a stair case by the room and sat there shivering. I wish I hadn't been drunk but I still remember all the details of the phone call. Even though the phone call somehow seemed to take away any feeling of intoxication that I had just a couple minutes before. I don't think you'll ever know what you have really done to me after last night. It's little things like getting on facebook this morning and seeing "Add as a friend" It's knowing that if I texted you, you wouldn't reply, if I called you.. you wouldn't answer.

You said, "Lets wait to talk about this on Monday like we planned."
But I kept saying no, because I needed to now.

"What do you want me to say.. there's nothing to say.."
"I just want to know what you want."
"I don't want to be friends, Michael. We can't be friends. We never were friends."
"You don't have to hate me or push me away to make me move on.. You can't do that to me. If you really cared you wouldn't do that to me."
"Then I guess I don't care, Michael."
"I'm not talking about loving me. I understand you don't love me. But you don't want me in your life at all?"
"No. I don't. It can't be the same anymore."

I was trying to breathe quietly between crying and shivering and it felt like I'd go on with that for so long while you'd just listen. And I think what mostly what would get to me is when you'd stop me and say, "Give it time. I promise you'll be able to forget me. Just give it time.." Like that was the only faith you had left in me, helping me break us apart. I said, "You never cared. If you did you wouldn't be doing this to me right now.. Please don't do this to me."
"I did care."

I say "If you don't care then why are you on the phone with me. If you really didn't care you wouldn't take the time to listen to all these things I'm saying to you. If you don't care, then hang up on me."
"Michael you need to hear all this. I don't want you to have no answers."
"But how could you want me in your life at all? How is it so easy for you?"

Everything I'd say, your response would sound like a wrap up of the phone call. Or like you've heard it all before and you didn't want to bother explaining again. "I just don't care for you anymore.." I said, "If you really don't care, then hang up on me." And the call is ended. Every feeling I feel for you was still rushing through me. All I wanted was for you to stay on the phone. When I asked if you wanted to see me again you said no.

I unlock the rooms door and pushed aside all the bottles and set the key down, stumble down the stairs to my car and drive home. My phone started ringing over and over but I didn't answer, I kept getting texts saying, "Where are you going? Don't drive." I didn't want to go back, I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to be anywhere. I wanted to disappear. I walked in through my front door and apparently it was loud, because it woke up my dad. I knew he'd be upset because he didn't want me out late and I didn't check in. He walked into my room to me laying on my bed in all of my clothes on top of the sheets. I didn't want him to come close because I was sure I had the scent of alcohol and cigarettes so I went under the sheets and tried to turn away from being able to see him. He did a laugh where he exhales loudly through his nose and walked away. And it wasn't a "Haha" laugh, it was more like a, "You're pathetic" laugh.

I kept thinking why can't you love me?
What's wrong with me? And kept thinking about you saiyng, "It's not anything you did."
I got too tired to think anymore.

I fell asleep feeling absolutely alone, and worthless.
I woke up feeling absolutely alone, and worthless.