Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I know, I haven't posted anything in here for a while. It's almost as if I've had writers block lately. I can't put all of my thoughts into words. It's actually sort of upsetting.

Tonight was really great. Here, I'll describe it for you. I was sitting down in the basement, and I was talking with Lauren. And I hadn't talked to her in a long time. And while we were talking I realized how wise she is. And I started to think about what I'm going to be like when I'm her age. And she asked me "how's life?" and I really couldn't even put it into words. Maybe she asked "what's new?" I don't know.

Every thing's just so great. And I told her that. And I told her that I think I'm worried I'm just making conclusions too fast. And I can't really explain what I mean by that. But I think once again, I'm starting to fear unhappiness too much. I mean, why don't I just enjoy this? Being so content. And she told me "Because you're afraid you're going to lose it." I realized that, and I knew that. I just didn't know what to say back.

We started talking about my friends. And I talked about ones I don't know anymore. And we talked about ones I'm afraid of losing. And we talked about ones that are so good for me. And we talked about ones that are bad news. And I told her I consider myself a good friend. I just easily get upset with people, which I'm trying to change. And I told her how attached I get. And surprisingly enough, that's normal. I didn't think it was. I thought I was just really clingy or something. I guess people just don't show it. I know that I don't show it.

An hour had probably gone by and we still had so much to talk about. We were laughing at everything, and cracking jokes about some of the things I do. And it really put me in a good mood. I love conversations like those. I love people that have the ability to keep a serious conversation going, without it being awkward. And I love it when people throw their real opinions of me, towards me. I really like knowing them. Whether they're bad, or good. They're just nice to hear.

I loved tonight.

Monday, October 22, 2007

I'm sorry

About all of my stupid, immature posts below

And I'm sorry about all this nonsense that I've been writing about.
I'm sick of always repeating the same things on here. Complaining about the same things that I cannot change. I'm done. So here's a new start, to writing about things I haven't written about. Writing about things that I actually want to write about.

Today my mom talked to me about how worrying gets me no where.
And she told me to not let everything get to me. And she told me to stop putting so much thought into everything that happens. It's true. I put SO much thought into everything that happens. I over-think every single situation that happens. Idk if that's a good thing.

I don't know. I'm gonna stick to what she said.

She also told me I'm so good at reading people, and understanding people, and how I should work with people when I'm older. I just laughed. But it's true. I really do know how to read people well.

Friday, October 19, 2007


Ignore all the posts where I wasted my time typiing about them. I'm going to talk about things that are actually important. Good thtings.

Everything is going really great right now. I think this weekend should be really good. Even though I'm not allowed to stay the night anywhere. Today should be good, tomorrow night should be great, I have no clue what I'm doing Sunday. I miss hanging out with Nick. I hungout with him in the library this morning.

OH! I've been working with my dad lately to save up money so I can buy my camera. Since mine is broken and all. I really need to stop breaking camera's. I didn't spend my lunch money all week so it can go towards my camera. Yesterday was a half day. Today's a half day. Yesterday was so much fun. It's always fun at Jacob's house.

Okay well I guess I should get back to "working" in photoshop
too bad all of my work is done and I have nothing else to do besides blog, and myspace.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007



Even though the thing you wrote on your page sort of made me upset
(Me being number five)

I know you're just trying to look out for me. But I don't like that you're making assumptions! I like how good you are to me! You're a really great friend. But I mean, I really don't want you saying what's GOING to happen to me. You don't know what's going to happen to me. I love you to death. And I miss being close with you. I miss our friendship. But please. Stop. I know you're basing it off the mistakes that you've made. And I know you're just being a good friend, and caring. But REALLY assumptions are not good. I want to have a talk with you. I miss you a lot!

It's getting on my last nerve

How you guys think you have me so figured out. How you think my life is just going to all come crashing down. And how you think my friends are just going to turn on me and leave me behind. I'm sick of hearing how much I'm going to miss you guys. I'm sick of hearing how I'm with the 'wrong crowd'

Since when has the right crowd been people that lower your self esteem, make fun of you, never support you, and call you ugly? Don't deny any of that. Since that's all you guys really do. Deny things. You know what? Ignore all that. The thing that bugs me the most is that you guys think you know me SO well. And you think you know exactly how things are going for me. You have no idea. I've been so happy this year. I wish you just weren't in the picture. I wish you'd stop trying to ruin my happiness. I could tell you guys "You're all going to get sick of each other's fake personalities, and constant back and fourth insults" but that's not going to help anything. Because I'm sure you guys are happy right now too. The thing I don't understand is, if I'm not in you're life anymore, why the hell are you trying to tell me what mine is going to turn out like. I'm sick of hearing your assumptions. I'm sick of you guys and making 'big deals'

You guys have pulled through for me so many times. And you guys have been there for me so many times. And at this point I really don't know what I want from you. Every single day I think about what I've lost. And every single day I think about what I'm gaining. Just hearing you guys talk sometimes makes me feel sick. You're still exactly the same. So dramatic. So, I don't know. Just so the same. I keep bouncing back from strong to weak. I want you guys back in my life so bad. But at the same time, I just want you guys out of my head. I don't want to have to deal with you anymore. I wish the good days were back. I wish I actually meant something to you guys when I was around. I wish that I didn't have to be in this situation right now.

I think I should stick with my view towards you right now. Actually, I don't know what my view is towards you guys right now. You were good for me, you were bad for me. You put me through the best, and you put me through the worst. I've lost you guys. You guys have lost me. And I don't think we can get this back. I don't know if we want this back. I don't know if we know what we want.

All I want is for you guys to stop making assumptions.
And I want you guys to stop talking about me.
And I want us all to be OKAY. Even if we aren't friends. And I want to know why you guys care about what I do, if you don't care about me anymore.

I can't even explain myself or how I feel about you guys.
You are the most difficult group I have ever came across in my life.
Now go call each other up and laugh about this whole post! I'm sure you will.

I really can't believe this is happening.
I really wish this wasn't happening.

I wish I could enjoy the friends, and the life I have now, with out you guys interrupting. My god I'm so back and fourth with you. All the good times are coming back to me tonight. And it's the hardest thing ever. But then I think about the bad times. Like the day before I left for Idaho, oh god, lets not get into that. But I remember when you guys called me and told me you missed me. And I felt so happy, so wanted. I don't know what I'm trying to say in this post. I know you never wanted to hear me say this, but I miss you guys. I'm done denying it. But I don't think I can put up with you anymore. I'm like a god damn broken record. I keep saying the same things. I'm done.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Enjoying the small things

I was just on the phone with my mom. And we were talking. About the way I live. And about how the only time that I actually feel bliss is when so many big, great things are going on. And how I'm always looking for something extreme. And how I never really take time to enjoy the small things. And how sometimes the small things, are the things that make us the happiest, the things that make us who we are, the things that really matter.

I think I've gone over this before but I don't think anybody really knows how to 'live their life to the fullest'

So many people state that they live every moment to the fullest, and that they are completely satisfied with everything going on in their life. And maybe they are! And I hope they are! But I don't think they really know how to actually LIVE to the fullest. I'm not going to say I know how. Because I don't. But I'm slowly trying to figure out how to. And you might stop reading here because you probably think this all sounds so cliche. But it really is something to think about. I think that despite what bad is going on in your life, despite all of the things going wrong, you should always use the small things in life to keep you motivated, and to keep you going. What are the small things in life that are the greatest? Sitting with your friend, talking about everything or nothing at all, or going on drives blasting your favorite band and having a destination of no where.

I think that the moments where absolutely NOTHING matters, are the moments you should take advantage of. You know what I'm talking about. The moments where you're with your friends having the time of your life. Even if you guys aren't doing anything great. When nothing is on your mind except for how much you care about the people you're with, and how much fun you're having. Or the times when you lay in your bed, And you think back on the day, and you have nothing more to worry about because the day is over. Or the times when you look back at everything and feel so infinite, so complete, so full. I think THAT'S the feeling of living. It seems like when people think 'live your life to the fullest' they think, if you're not constantly happy, if you're not constantly doing something AMAZING then you're not living it to the fullest. You're never going to have constant happiness. Nobody does. Nobody will. That's just the way it works out. Stuff happens, things get hard, but you take the small things and use them to make you better. No, you don't always have to be doing something amazing to be living. All that matters is if you're happy. All you have to feel, is complete. And that's when you're really alive. You just have to find the things that make you complete. And stick with it. Even if it does require some change in your life. Even if it's the SMALLEST things that seem to do that to you. And I know I'm starting to sound like I'm repeating myself, and this all might be confusing to you, and it probably doesn't make sense. But I'm trying to put it all into words. And it's really not easy.

I guess that's all I can say about 'living'. We over look the small things, and we look for the big, adventurous things, because we think the big things are our entrance to happiness. You don't have to have a million people in your life to be happy. You don't have to do the most adventurous things, you don't have to always be extreme. It's nice to just relax, and not set such high expectations for the way you live. It's all your decision. I really don't think people think about that. I hope I'm making sense to you. I hope you understand what I'm saying. And I really hope you guys learn something from this. Create your own happiness. Only YOU know what really makes you complete. Stop looking for so much, and enjoy the little things that are in your world.

Friday, October 12, 2007


BY THE WAY! There might more then one about you.
There will be some of them where I will refuse to tell you who it's about. So don't bug me about it. But go ahead and post a comment and guess. Don't forget to say your name.

1) I think you're a really nice person. But I try not to talk to you as much because our conversations are always really awkward. Most of the time it's you talking, and me just trying to get a word in. You're just so.. talkative.

2) I miss talking to you. It's sort of hard to hangout with you now since I'm not really in "the group" anymore. I wish you would hangout with me and my friends more. Because you're so much fun. And honestly, we're so much alike. You're a really great person. And I hate seeing them turn you into somebody you're not. Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe you've always been that way. I don't know. I just miss talking to you.

3) I can't believe that just a few months ago I liked you. You're actually really mean to me now. Actually, no you're only mean to me when you're around HER. She's changed you so much. I can't stand it. Everything I say you look at me like I'm so stupid. You treat me like an idiot. But I love how you are at school. It's like you're two different people around her, and at school. Honestly, I would give you the advice to stay away from her. But I know you wouldn't listen. I don't know if I can say she's a bad person, because she's really nice to me. But I think you're better without her.

4) You've become such a good friend. If only you went to Sheldon. I love hanging out with you, even though our plans usually always fall apart. But the thing that I love, is you ALWAYS stand up for me. It shows that you actually do care. You're brave enough to stand up for me, no matter what the situation, no matter who it is. I look up to you in so many ways. Thank you for always looking out for me. I love you I love you

5) I'm so grateful for you. But I seem to lack importance in your life sometimes. I don't know. It seems like I'm always kind of picked last. You're one of my best friends. I know this year has been hard for you. I can see it. I know you're going through a hard time. I just wish you would come to me with your problems more, to talk about them. I love you to death.

6) I really don't like you. And I don't even know you. You're a Junior, or senior? I don't know but it seems like you think you're the coolest guy around. It really bugs me. For you're age you're really immature. Haha! I shouldn't even be saying this. I don't know you at all. But whatever. Grow up d00d! You're not as cool as you think you are.

7) I think it's wrong how you get people to like you, and then mess with their heads.

8) You're such a good friend. We met in computers last year, and ever since then, we're always hanging out, always texting, always going somewhere fourth period. I'm scared that once we don't have a free fourth anymore, we'll start to drift apart. I really hope that doesn't happen. You really are the greatest friend someone could ask for.

9) You've become a really good friend this year. It's been a while since we last hung out. It's kind of weird. We were hanging out every day for a while. I don't know. I realized that you never have much to say when it's just me and you hanging out. And then when we're hanging out with other people you have so much to talk about, and you're so much more outgoing. I've felt like lately I have to invite myself places. I'm never really invited as much anymore. Okay no, that's a lie. I don't know. We've had a lot of great times. The few times we hung out in the summer were so much fun. And the time's we've had this year have been great. The only thing I realized is you often rely on me to make the plans for everything. That's not always easy. I don't wanna always make the plans. You're a lot of fun to hangout with, and you're a really great person, and a really great friend. I really hope we continue to hangout as much as we have been lately.

10) We hung out freshman year, around winter break. And then all of a sudden we just stopped talking, stopped hanging out. And now we're talking again. I've only been to your house twice this year, and you've only come with us fourth period about twice, but I can already tell that we're gonna be good friends. You're really fun to cheeeeel with.

11) You're one of the funniest people that I've ever met. You're so much fun to be around. But you have so many people in your life that it's like it's hard to fit myself into it, you know? I think we have a really strong friendship. But I wish we had an even stronger one. Because you're such a fun person. THE ONLY THING IS, I wish you could just relax a little. You can be so dramatic sometimes. About the smallest things. It's such a middle school way to act. I'm not saying I don't do that at times, because I do. But I just want you to enjoy more things, more often. You have a bunch of great people, and a bunch of great things going for you. If only you could just enjoy it.

12) The thing that bugs me, is you think everyone hates you.

13) We're starting to be friends again. I'm actually really happy about it. You were always a true friend. I just think we need to make sure not to get too much of each other like we did last time. That's kind of what made our friendship fall apart. You can be very impatient, repetitive, and you have a history of compulsively telling lies. But at the same time I used to be really unfair to you, but I really don't think I'm like that anymore. I hope I'm not like that anymore. I know there's somethings you can't change. I know it's something I just need to get used to. I just sort of wish you could try to fix it. But whatever you're a great person. A great friend. And you're hella funny. And I think I need to stop trying to force change into you. And just let you do things on your own, and make decisions on your own. If I fail to do that, just let me know. Honestly. I've had some of the greatest times hanging out with you. And I know this year will be great since we're friends again.

14) You're really fun to hangout with. I would actually really like to be good friends with you. But it seems really hard to. I rarely get invited to do stuff with you and you tend to never answer text messages, or phone calls, for anyone. Hahaha I'm such I hypocrite. I don't answer phone calls either. But I don't know. You never answer when I need to know what the plan is.

15) You're the biggest flirt. It almost makes me like you sometimes. You're just such a fun girl.

16) I can't decide if I can call you my best friend or not. Because you've been so distant towards me lately that it's actually scary. I can't remember the last time I stayed at your house, or the last time you replied to my text messages, or the last time you asked me to hangout. I know you're disappointed in the choices I've been making but I never thought you would want to eliminate me from your life. It's really hard for me. You seem to be such an ass hole towards me when we're hanging out with other people. To the point where I don't want to invite you to come with us anymore. I just wish our friendship could go back to normal. I realized that we hung out so much that we started to become EXACTLY like each other. It's really been bugging me lately. I like having friends that are opposite of me. Not just like me. I'm becoming like you too at times. I guess our personalities are just starting to rub off on each other. I really hope you're not wanting to give up this friendship. Because I really don't want to do that. I wanted to ask you to hangout tonight. But I got nervous to ask because I don't want you to reject it. It's sad that we're to the point where I'm nervous to ask you to hangout. I just wish that you'd realize that I'm still the same exact person, even if I have been making different decisions. I really need our friendship.

17) You're the funniest person that I know. Seriously. I laugh my ass off when ever we hangout. You've become a really good friend. It's been a while since we last hung out too. You're raves at your house are so fun. Partying with your mom and all. Lmao! dude you're awesome. I'm really happy that we're friends.

18) Sometimes I want us to be 'cool' but I would be scared that if we were 'cool' I would want to draw myself close to you again. And I really can't do that. I just hope you know that I don't hate you. I don't have a grudge against you anymore. I just think you handled this all terribly. We both handled it terribly. But I don't think there's much we can do about it anymore. When I said I don't have a grudge about this anymore, that was a lie. There's still so much anger in me about all of this. I don't know when it will ever go away. I just hope you read this, and I hope you see the sentence where I say "I don't hate you" I never have and I never will. That's all you need to know. And I really DO hope you have a good life. And I really hope that you're happier now! (That's not sarcasm) And yes I miss you. But I just don't think I can do anything about it, at least not yet.

19) You're one of my best friends. Ever. I could say all the good things about you, and talk about all of our good times. But you've heard it all before. I'm the most comfortable around you. You really are the definition of a best friend. You're the only person that really understands my strangest thoughts, and opinions towards everything. You can predict everything that I have on my mind. It's so insane. The only thing I could say as advice to you is, you need to accept more happiness. I think sometimes you almost don't let yourself enjoy the good things in your life because you don't think you deserve it. Or maybe you just don't know how to. I don't know. I'm not saying you do that all the time. Just a lot, you know? It seems like you want SO much in our friendship. It seems like I'm always doing SOMETHING wrong. I'm not calling enough, or hanging out enough, when really, I've been trying to A LOT more lately. Seriously. I understand why you want to hangout more. Because that's what best friends do. But even if we do start to hang out a lot, there's something else there that just 'not right' for you. It seems like if I say one thing you will hold it against me until I do it. And you'll bother me about it repetitively. It seems like I'm never really a good enough friend. It seems like I'm always doing something wrong. And sometimes you can make big deals out of small things. And I'm not talking about what you recently made a "big deal" about. Because that was necessary. I'm talking about a lot of other times, when it's just so NOT necessary. When I think about it, I'm never really coming to you and telling you what you're doing wrong. I just enjoy our friendship, with the flaws in it and all. I'm not saying you shouldn't tell me the things that I've been doing that bug you. Because you can come to me with that anytime. I just wish I didn't do SO many things to make you upset. You seem to get really easily upset. Even if you don't want to confess to that. Sorry if that's putting words in your mouth. I am SO grateful for you. I love you to death. It just seems like when you're not stressed, you find something else that's going wrong. I want you to just enjoy the good things, I want you to enjoy the good people in your life, and I really am trying to be a better friend. I just wish you'd notice the change a little more. Maybe you do? I don't know. I love you! And no matter what, NOBODY can add up to as good of a friend as you are. Please take note: you are the longest paragraph in this blog.

20) You're such a great friend. It's just sometimes, you can say the meanest things to me, to everybody. It's not that often, but you do it A LOT! But the thing I like is you always say sorry afterwards. Or you always feel guilty about it afterwards. It shows that you actually do care about my feelings, and about other peoples feelings. I just know that you're a bigger person then that. I love talking to you, I love hanging out with you, and I really am glad I met you. I often worry that you talk bad about me to your other friends though, or I'm just a back-up friend to you at times. I don't know. I know you'd never do that. So just ignore that sentence. We hated each other at first, and now we're so close. It's insane. Hahahahaha

21) We only talk through text messages, and on myspace, but I feel like we have this really strong connection.

22) You often say you're going to things, and then you never follow through. You're all talk. But that's okay.

23) I actually kind of look up to you. You've made such a big impact on me that it's changed me into a completely different person. It's insane. I really think you're something great.

24) I love you. You're so much fun, you're so funny. It's funny that I liked you for a while. You're way out of my league. But whatever. You're so much fun to be around. But my god, you can be two-faced. And you lie so much. It actually worries me because I don't know how much I can trust you.

25) I want to be just like you. And I really don't think idolization is healthy.

26) I miss hanging out with you. I really hope we can start hanging out some more with out the rest of the "group" because you were always so much more fun with out them. I just hope you've kind of changed your ways. You're another person I can't be around too much or else I start to go insane. Because we both really know how to get on each others nerves. Besides all of that. You're one of the greatest people that I know. You're really wise, and really brave, and honestly I know you have feelings. I think you just have a REAL hard time showing them.

27) I think you'd be so much fun to be friends with. I don't know how I would ever get myself to hangout with you though. Because I'd have to get myself into your "group" and most of your group hates me.

28) I saw you the other day. You seem to be the same. I miss you a lot.

29) We don't really talk that much anymore. But you've kind of changed. I think you're getting to caught up in your reputation. And I think you can get too hyper and too emotional sometimes. I like how you used to be. Just so layed back, and so funny, and you didn't give a damn about your popularity status. I just think you're trying too hard to impress everyone. I don't like it. I don't really know who you are anymore. I don't mean to completely shove you out of my life, but I have a hard time being around you anymore.

30) Ah, you're so nice. Even though I'm not in the group anymore you still care about me. I remember when we were texting a few weeks ago and you told me you were worried about me and you cared about me. And that really meant a lot to me. I miss you. I'm glad we're still cool.

31) I can't stand you. That's all I can say. Oh and you're really obsessive. It's weird.

32) Ha! And I thought we were gonna start being good friends, and start hanging out a lot. Too bad all you care about is being popular. And you don't know how to make time for anybody except for the people you consider cool. Thanks for leading on my best friend and then letting her down. You're a great guy, you just need to learn how to fit more time for people.

33) I miss you more then anything. I'm glad you found somebody you're happy with. I'm sorry that he had to take over your life though. I hope someday you realize what you've lost. You let go of all your best friends for him. Because he didn't want you to have them. I think that's terrible. I really wish he never came around. We would still be best friends.

34) You used me. You didn't even like me. You fake bitch. I hear all the bad things you say about me. Hahahahaha this sounds like something an 8th grader would type or something. I really wish I never went out with you. You're a terrible girl. And I say that truthfully. You disgust me.

Friday, October 5, 2007

I know I just posted one

but I'm posting another

I was so close to trying to start conversation with you.
But I got too nervous.

I wish that we could be 'cool' with each other. Not friends, but not enemy's, it would just be nice knowing that we don't have this bad tension between us.

ten, five, two thousand and seven

Today was absolutely terrible.
I left Jackson's house around 11:00 this morning and took the city bus home. Then I get to the house and realize that I don't have a key. And all of the doors were locked. So I took the screen off of my window to try to get through my window. But my window was locked. Same with all the other ones. I would of called my dad but he was out of town, and my phone was dead. Susan was working. My brothers were working. So I had no option but to just sit in my dads truck in the driveway and listen to music. After about 4 hours I was going out of my mind. I was pretty miserable.


Last night was a lot of fun. Just "the normal group" at Jackson's I guess. About 90% of the time I was just watching them play halo. But it was still fun. His house always is. And I got to talk to Joseph for the first time in a long time. It was cooooool.

I just cleaned my room. It looks really good. And I have my window open. And I'm listening to Built To Spill. And Susan has this cinnamon candle lit in the kitchen and it smells really good. It's starting to feel like winter again. OH BY THE WAY! WHY DID I EVER SAY I WAS GETTING TIRED OF THE HEAT? My god it's starting to get cold. I wish I could do something with people tonight. But I can't because my Grandma's 80Th birthday party is tomorrow. Maybe I can sneak out if someone can give me a ride. MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.

I need to start saving my money to get my new camera. Since mine is broken. I'm just gonna buy the same one that I had. I think I'm gonna go mow the lawn so I can make some $$$! I wanna read my book, but I can't. I need to get my backpack out of Cameron's car. I hope Natasha isn't mad at us about last night. Hmm. If you're reading this Natasha, we're sorry. And I'm just rambling on right now. So BYE!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

It's been like two days

since I've posted anything.

This week went by fast. But it was just one big mess.

I can't really write about anything exciting happening, because nothing exciting has happened. Seriously. Nothing. WAIT NO THAT'S A LIE. Tuesday Cameron and I didn't go to school. We played hookey. And oh my gosh.. it was fun. That day made me miss summer. I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I know that tomorrow night I'm staying at Nicks moms house. Saturday I might be hanging out with Maddi and some other people.

Today I have a green tea vitamin water. I just took a sip of it. Sick. That was the worst thing ever.


I promise I'll have better posts later. Haha

Monday, October 1, 2007

Random thrown out thoughts

  • I really don't want to go to guitar practice tonight. I'm too tired.

  • I'm really glad that I finished all of my homework. I feel so accomplished.

  • I wanna be chillin' with people at somebodies home right now

  • Happy birthday Caitlin Joyner. I'm sorry the milkshake I bought you was gross.

  • My dog just ran away. My step mom's going crazy about it. I'm scared too.

  • LMAO people need to stop lurking my comments

  • Actually I do it too. So whatever. I just need to be more careful about what I say on MySpace

  • I'm tired of that freshman girl that always says hi to me awkwardly. She came up to me today and said "I think you're really cool. I'm seriously not even kidding." Chelsea and I laughed.

  • I wanna keep reading my book. I can't set that thing down.

  • Susan just walked in. I wonder if she found the dog.

  • Ooops I never finished me vault. It's probably flat now.

  • She found the dog

  • I want to clean my room. And then just sleep.

  • My camera is broken. I'm gonna buy a new one. Or try to get this one fixed. My mom said she'll help pay for it. I love my mom.

  • It's my Moms birthday tomorrow. I called her and yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" today. And she was all "UHM, IT'S NOT TIL TOMORROW YOU RETARD" I laughed.

  • I don't know what I'm doing this weekend. Except for Thursday and Friday

  • No school on Friday

  • I spent just about all of my lunch money today (twenty dollars)

  • I'm obsessed with Landlocked Blues

  • I guess I have to get ready for guitar. I want to just skip when they drop me off and go to Jamba Juice and call people.


    We created war

    We started this argument between us two. And little by little people are throwing their selves into it. More and more people are getting involved in it just about every day. This has become something I never wanted it to become. I never wanted you to hate me. I never wanted people to get in to it. I never wanted people to start yelling at you for me. But I can't blame them can I? They're just my friends. Trying to stand up for me.

    I'm sick of so many people being in the middle of this.
    Because nobody knows both sides of the story. They listen to one. And stick with it.

    I know this week is going to be hell.

    Here's a new month. I'm ready for some good change.

    Kind of an 'add on' to the previous blog

    I was just texting Cammisha

    I think she helped me realize that I just need to take life a little slower. And stop looking for happiness, and stop looking for what I need. And just let it come to me.

    Cammisha: I like your blog. I have noticed change in you. I didn't want to say anything.
    Me: What change have you noticed?
    Cammisha: I can't really put my finger on it. Just your so busy. And you're trying to MAKE yourself happy, instead of just letting it happen.
    Me: You're exactly right..
    Cammisha: You're just kind of distant. It's like I can't find you.

    Thank you Cammish. And I'm sorry. You giving me the truth is actually really good for me right now. I was talking to Susan about all these friend issues and she said word by word: "As long as you have one good friend like Cammisha, then everything's fine"

    She's exactly right.


    I'm glad you told me how you were feeling about the change in me. I'm glad you can actually tell me the truth. I needed to hear that. I know I was kind of getting upset. But it's because I wasn't letting myself accept it. You're such a good friend to me. I hope that no change in me weakens our friendship.

    As for everyone else
    please don't try to LOOK for change in me, just so you can point it out. But if you need to talk to me about it, talk to me about it.