Changing + growing

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow."

Now I'm really gonna try to make this blog short and simple. But I don't know if I'll be able to. Here we go.

"Change" it seems to be the only thing that's on my mind lately. Really. I really can't believe how much has changed, how much I've changed, and how much my life has transformed into a complete new one over one term of the year. It's so much, it's kind of scary. I like this change though. For once, I feel like everything is right. I can actually say I'm really happy. I guess some of my actions have changed. I guess I'm growing. And as Cameron pointed out to me, as I change, and as I grow, I'm going to lose people. It happens. Not just to me, to everybody. And I keep trying to get these friends back, and I keep trying to relive moments that I miss, and I keep trying to hold people back from walking out of my life. But he tells me, "Just let them go. If you were to try and get the friendship back, the friendship just wouldn't be real anymore. And it's the way it has to be."

After hearing that I'm looking for reasoning for the way things have to be.

I hate to let things go. I hate to give up on people. I hate feeling like I've abandoned somebody. So many people think I like going through friends as if they're nothing to me. You don't even know how many people say that to me. Or ask me "Who's your best friend now? Haha!" as if it's funny. I really never chose to lose people in my life.

Cameron pointed out to me that as you grow, your actions change. You can still act the same, but when you change your actions, you ARE a different person. And people that were once close to you can drift away from you because they don't believe you're "new" actions are correct. God this would be so much easier to explain if I could just use the persons name, but I would hate to throw our problems out to the Internet. This friend that I'm losing has different morals and different beliefs than me. And I hate that we're losing our friendship. But in order for me to save it I'd have to become the type of person he wants in his life. I'd have to change my actions, I'd have to change my beliefs, I'd have to change my morals. I'd have to change myself. Cameron tells me that once you've changed, you've changed. And you have to accept it, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much you think you still are exactly the same, sometimes other people can see it in a complete different way. I hope you're still with me. I'm REALLY trying to make this make sense. He tells me that if I'm not going to be the friend that this person needs, and if I'm going to keep letting him down, then I need to detach myself from him, and let go of this friendship. I just don't know if I can do that. I don't know how I could do that. Because I can try to get the friendship back that we once had, and I can try to pretend that every thing's still the same, but change has played it's course. We're starting to lack similarity. And my god, it's the hardest thing ever to accept. All I can say, is I'm happy right now. And I can't change myself. The person I once was has died. I'm someone new. I have different views towards things now. I have a different way of living. I'm just playing around with different ways of living. Cameron honestly is the smartest person that I know. He really has opened my eyes towards my other friends view towards all of this. And I'm sorry to the friend I'm losing. I'm sorry that I can't add up to your expectations (not sarcasm, and that's not supposed to sound mean) I'm sorry that I let you down, and I'm sorry that I can't be the friend you need. I just wish we could go back, to how it was.