Friday, February 26, 2010

"Sometimes your best way to deal with shit, is to not hold yourself as such a precious little prize."

After what felt like forever of waiting in a waiting room, filling out papers and looking at the clock, my name was called and my weight was taken. And after some talking and confessing to some things that are hard to even admit to myself, he gave me two pieces of paper. And it's pills, or it's talking, and I told him pills can't teach you anything except to go straight to the bottle when you need an escape. Pills can't help you cope. Pills just make it numb. And so he wrote down the name and number and I went into my dads car. And after my dad asked me what I was thinking, I told him I don't really know, but I feel like I'm starting something new. And after we drove in silence he dropped me at home, and I came in and pulled out the questionnaire and answered all the questions. The 1 through 5 scale for everything you feel. I sealed the envelope and I called the number, and I left a message, and I hung up the phone.

I've felt like my pride can get me through anything. But for once I'm admitting that I am unhappy, and angry. I'm scared of myself, and I'm scared of my future. But I'm not hopeless. This battle has gone on inside me for too long, and I'm ready for it to end.

I don't deserve the best, and I don't deserve the worst.
I just deserve to feel okay.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Neither of us, uncertainly

It bothers me that I don't know what to call us. It hurts that I feel I can't get you to listen to me anymore. That you're not here when I need you to be. I know I've fallen through with some plans, and I know I haven't been the most lively person to be around, and things have felt a little more off than usual when we're together. I know I wasn't straight forward about things I should have been. I know that there were days that you wanted to see me when I would go to my brothers or home instead. I know you didn't like when I smoked. I know I kept doing it. I know that I always had to go home when the moment was so perfect for me to stay. I know I made you feel like the time we spent together wasn't enough, but it was. I know I always talked about my plans with you, but I was always willing to wait. I still loved every moment spent with you. I feel like you should understand more than you do sometimes. Because I know you've felt this way. Like it's been too hard to follow through, and that your whole world was put on pause because you had some things to figure out. And the more I look back on it, the more I'm proud of myself for not being upset with it. Because it's okay that you needed your time. And it's okay that I need mine, too. And I know you think my words are all I have, but I have a lot more to me, too. And I'm sorry that I can't show you those parts of me.

You're a beautiful person. One of the most beautiful people I've ever met in my life. And I've never let you go because I know I will never find somebody as amazing as you. I know I can find someone that can love me all the same. But I can't ever find somebody that has a mind like you. I can't ever find somebody that can put the pieces into my life that you have. Because you're one in a million. And you have strengths that are hard to find. But as terribly hard as it is to admit, one of the biggest conflicts with myself, is not loving myself, whenever I feel like you don't love me. The more you ignore me, and the more you stray, the more I hate myself. And it's not all your fault. Because everything you do isn't for me. But I think about it, and our relationship has made me like this because it's something I've just brought myself to expect. I've let too many days be ruined by one thing I've suspected just to find out it was nothing. I've let jealousy take over me for things that never really end up mattering. I've stayed awake too many nights thinking about the things I do wrong and thinking about the things I know you want me to be. And I'm starting to feel like no matter what I do I can't be right for you. Like the things I see as no harm, you see as something so different. And I guess that's just what we both have done. I've beaten myself up with things I can't take back. And I feel like I'm stuck in this pattern that neither of us will ever let me change. I feel like you deserve somebody who's confident in what they love, and I feel like I deserve the same.

I can't blame this on anyone, or anything. But I'm starting to think maybe we were good for each other, and that good things don't last forever. But where do I go now? Because I've felt so comfortable having you with me this whole time. And I know that nothing in the world can make me feel the same. And what happens when I'm happy, and when none of this matters, where will you be? I'm so tired of being on the edge. It's hard feeling trapped, and it's getting scary trying to move. But I wanna fall asleep in ecstasy and wake up in certainty. I want to know that tomorrow, you'll still be there.

'And you try to find not much for you to hold
The more that you hold the more you feel alone

And wait
Until you can wait
Until you can wait
Until you can wait
No more'

Monday, February 22, 2010

So please forgive what I have done, no you can't stay mad at the setting sun

I feel like such a let down. It's so much easier to be by myself lately, and it's so hard to talk with anyone these days. Because the same thing keeps racing through my head. And I keep chocking on my words because I've been trying to do the opposite of what I've felt everybody else around me has been doing, saying things that sound nice, but not really paying attention to what they mean. Contradicting what they say they believe, making plans that won't happen. But most of all I've held back on speaking because I know that once words come out, things will never be interpreted in the way you meant for them to be. And the day that they understand exactly what you're feeling, will never come. I've kept my thoughts safe because I've felt you have to hold close the only thing that's yours.

I'm depressed. And I've been looking for a core reason but it's really just a combination of things that have been eating away at me. Things that keep occurring every single day. It's this nervousness that won't leave me alone. I've had too much time to recognize my feelings and find truth in things that I've been overlooking for a long time now. Nothing has ever felt so real in my life. I've never felt so fragile.

The other night I finally went out, to expose myself to faces and places and try something new, even though I knew it wasn't something I was ready for. It was nice spending time with Sydney again. The whole night didn't go the way it used to go, self wise. I looked around the party and everyone was having fun, and I at least can pretend but I wanted to feel it. I was pissed and so annoyed with myself for not even socializing like I could have been. After we left, I knew Sydney had a good time. But the whole drive I couldn't stop myself from thinking. We had really good music playing really loud and she looked at me smiling and said, "I love times like this. When you feel nothing, and nothing matters." I nodded, and agreed. But my eyes started to water up because I wanted that exactly. I couldn't. Because the whole time I would be looking out of the corner of my eye wondering what they were texting about, or thinking about my dad waiting at home, and thinking about how at that very moment I was breaking all the promises I made him on the first night I came back home. I was thinking back to the conversations I had that night, and thinking about what I could of said instead. I felt like nothing could get me away from myself. No person, no song, no substance, no liquid, no miles, no pill. I've been questioning my meaning so much lately. Not my purpose. My meaning. And I know there's worse things than being alone, I do. but right now I'm thinking that I've had too much. I've never felt so out of place. And I've never felt so much that I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. More like a burden than a cause. I can't speak up, and I can't care for the things I love like I should. I never wanted to break hearts in the process of mine being broken too. But my dad just confronted me about the empty bottles in the cupboard, and in about ten minutes he will get another call from the school about how I missed the whole day. And now I can't get around to see the people I want to see. And all my promises are turning into nothing.

I've spent too many days ignoring calls, and driving away from the places I should be. But now my car's broken down, and my thoughts are too heavy. And for once, I just want to be saved.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

We must stumble blindly forward

I'm back at home. It's always hard to decide where I feel like I fit into place more. Here, or at Davids. But no matter how many times I run away, I always know that eventually I have to come back.

When I first walked into my room my clothes were folded and layed out on my couch. I went and sat down and my dad walked in and sat on my bed. I didn't want to talk. Because our talks don't run the way they should. All we do is say everything we hate about each other and own up to nothing from ourselves. The whole time we were sitting apart from each other, one of us was looking at the wall, and one of us was looking at the floor. We never make eye contact anymore, or at least I don't. So he just looks away, too. It's weird looking at a face that you haven't seen in a while and how you notice all the details so much more. And when I finally looked at my dad, I realized how old he's getting. And it hurt me for some reason. I started thinking back to my talks in the middle of the night with Alyssa while staying at Davids and she said to me, "I know it's scary to think like this, but you're dad's not here forever. And I don't even mean that life long wise. One day you'll move away, and you're going to have your life, but right now is what you're going to remember." She said, "If you don't let any of your relationship be good, it's going to haunt you for so long. You'll want to go back and love him." And with every thing she'd say I'd find some way to reply by saying I just don't care. I don't care to try anymore. That there's nothing to try for. That my dad and I are two completely different people that were never meant to get along.

While I was sitting with him in my room, I tried to find any way to stop the conversation from being wrapped up. Because I never feel like I get enough out of ours. He talked to me about respect and about honesty, and how those are two traits that just aren't in me. Then he asked me,
"Why don't you let me get to know you?"
I told him, "Because you won't like who I am."
I talked about how I tell my mom everything. Every little thing that happens in my life and she accepts me with all the secrets, with all the lies, with all my flaws. And I told him that's a relationship him and I will never have. That he will always have expectations for what he wants me to be, and I will always destroy them and let him down. I told him I avoid him because I don't think I can let him down anymore. He puts too much hope into me, and I don't give him anything to make it burn.

What upset me so much was something him and Alyssa both said to me. "Your mom and you have a great relationship, but it wouldn't be the same if she lived with you." My dad said, "You'd hate her too, just like you hate me. She doesn't have to deal with the things I deal with, with you. She doesn't know how hard it can get. She doesn't have to try to get you to come home, doesn't have to get calls every single day from school." I said, "No. But she gets calls from us updating her on our tragedies just about every single day, and can do nothing to help us, except listen."

It was quiet for a while and my dad said, "I just wish you'd try for us."
And I said, "I just don't see the point anymore.. We are both stubborn people and I don't think we will ever make the changes we need to for each other."
He asked me why don't I come out and talk to him. I said, "I just don't know what I would talk to you about. The things I want to talk about the most, you would have no interest in or make me feel ridiculous." I said, "I just don't feel like we could ever be close." He looked upset and hurt. He told me, "Well then go ahead and stay here for this last year and we'll both be just two people that live with each other. You do the things I need you to do, and I'll do the same. And we'll both go our own ways. I can't be your Mom. I can't make you feel okay about your mistakes. This is all I have to offer. I have fixing your car for you while you talk to me, the TV and movies, and the dinner table. I don't have an exciting life, and I'm not an interesting person. But I'm your Dad." I stayed silent in shock because I had never heard him say something like that before. I've stayed silent ever since.

I love my dad, I do. He may not be able to fix my problems, but he can fix my car. And he might not be able to find the right words to say, but he can find something else to distract me instead. What I never did, was argue against what he said about us not trying for each other anymore. I didn't agree, I didn't disagree. He told me that my problem is I think I know everything and think he knows nothing. But I told him neither of us know everything, just the things we do know, and the things we believe in, are so different. But what I never told him after our conversation ended, is I'm willing to drop those things while I'm here at home. Because the fact that I've been denying this whole time is, I do want a relationship with my dad. I just don't know how to connect with him. I don't know how to step out of my room, sit on the couch next to his chair, and make it feel real. I don't know how to apply that I care. That's my biggest problem lately. But I'm willing to try. While I was at Davids we talked about how our Dad has never really accepted us for exactly what we are. We said how he needs to lower his expectations just about all the way, and accept what he has. But it's funny how our advice can turn around on us. Accepting my dad for what he is, is exactly what I need to do, too.

"I tried talking, just whispered, "So selfish.." He stopped me and said, "Child, I love you regardless. And there is nothing you could do that would ever change this. I'm not angry. It happens. But you just can't do it again." And so now I try to keep up, I’ve been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I’m rubbing my eyes cause they’re starting to bother me. I’ve been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery, to love and to be loved. Let's just hope that is enough."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Running up that hill - Placebo

No matter what anybody says, I feel absolutely alone. I've never wanted to be like my dad. I have always said that I will never let myself be as stubborn and close minded as him. And I fight it as much as possible in every situation that I face with him. No matter how angry I am, no matter how many times he presses ignore or turns off his phone, no matter how many times he tells me I wont graduate, and tells me I can't do the things I want to do. I fight against my anger and tell myself to open my mind and shut my mouth. And when I want to fight against that too, I push myself farther. I say, "Open it more." and I feel his anger. I give up, and I give in, and I set down the phone, and I feel stronger. And then my revenge, is my personal gain.

But sometimes I slip. And tonight I realized that everything me and him do for each other, isn't really out of us caring. It's still out of revenge. Him trying to prove me wrong off of the things I said, me trying to do the things he tells me to do so I can get the hell out of there. It's not generosity. It just comes off like that. Him and I really will never be able to have a relationship like a Dad and son should. Tonight I slipped because I was in shock. Because even after things calmed down, after the adrenaline stopped rushing, he's still able to say, "I think you need to start planning to leave soon. I think it would be the best for everyone around here." I was silent. He says, "I don't know what to do with you anymore." And nothing is fucking wrong. I've been okay. We've been okay. I'm in my night school classes, I'm going to class, I've been working and coming home. But he will always base things off the past, or off of anything that happens in the moment. And to be honest.. I don't even know what happened in the moment that started all of this. He will never let me be, and I will never be able to fixed. He will never let me forget and he'll never allow me to grow. He said, "I don't plan on buying graduation cards for your graduation, or your cap and gown. I don't see the point. You're not going to graduate." I said, "I hate you." He tells me to go get my stuff and leave. And once again we're back to yelling. As he's scrolling through the pictures on my brothers memory card he found on the big screen. All pictures you would never want your parents to see. He says, "I don't want you to come to California. I want people there that I love. I don't want to be around something like you." Not someone, something. A picture comes up on the screen of my brother hidden behind a cloud of smoke. My dad looks pissed and disgusted. My dad looks back at me, "Why are you still here? Get the hell out of my house." I look at the screen, "Are you proud of your son? He's never happy with you. None of us are. We all hate you. And he'll be leaving soon. Why can't you ever understand that it's you that's the terrible disgusting thing that is causing the problem with us. Why do you think David will never call you." He looks back and throws the remote at me. I keep yelling the same things over and over. He says, "You're stubborn and care about nobody but yourself. You don't know how to love or care about anyone or anything." But how would he know when he doesn't even know me. He said, "You don't listen. You always talk. That's your problem." Which is something I've always wanted to say to him. I wanted to go upstairs and grab the card I wrote him on his birthday and burn it. The one thanking him for helping me grow. The one that said "I hope you really know how great of a person and a father you really are." But I wouldn't. Because when I said that, I meant it. When I wrote it I really loved him. I let us be okay. So I didn't take back those things, even if I hate him now. My revenge was packing my bags, and saying those terrible things. Throwing at him the things that could hurt worse than anything else. Things that could echo in his head, just like he does to me. And I left.

I hate myself for letting me be him. For not biting harder on my tongue. For hurting him and destroying words that once held love. For losing all of my personal gain I had, and only walking away with a closed mind and an open mouth. With hate and anger inside of me, which is taking over.

If I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places.
Be running up that road, be running up that hill, with no problems.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Fake it till you make it

I'm thinking about what Bryant was like when I first met him, in the Portland airport, when we both ran into each other there while we were waiting for our planes. And what he was like the majority of the time we were friends. And it's what makes me hate that he left, so much. He was spontaneous and consistent. No matter the period of time in between, it never came in between. We never stopped talking after all the times we flaked out. And he still always asked, "What are you doing this weekend?" when he knew my only reply would be, "Work"

But what Bryant did, taught me a lot. From the day I picked him up in the parking lot at school with his dog, when he told me he lost everything, from the times having to go pick him up at Motel 6, the nights driving around with him when I couldn't even get him to respond to me, when he couldn't even function, figuring out where he's going to sleep. The lies to his friends, and the lies to himself. The trip to the airport that had no reason behind it. Taking him to Corvallis just to take him back. Every time we would be driving, I would look in my rear view mirror and look at him sitting with a blank face or laying down and asleep and kept asking myself, "What happened?" I honestly felt like he died. We said bye three times, everytime was supposed to be for good. And then a couple hours later it would be, "Can you come pick me up?" He set out his whole life like it was ruined and he focused on it being ruined, when in all reality, when nobody really knew, it was still all together. I believed him through everything, and I don't regret that. I refused to leave him at the airport, or to even take him home. But what happened after the airport is where the lesson really came in. It was hard taking him back to his house, and I was still stuck in shock when not even the slightest bit of emotion came out of him when we actually pulled up to the front of his door.. "It's time to go home.."

I didn't hear from him for two days. Nobody did. Nobody wanted to. Because he made us feel used, foolish, and upset with how emotionless he was towards everything. His exit failed, and when I dropped him off that night I thought for sure that would be the last time I'd see him. But two days of all sleep pass, and I get a call. And what Bryant tells us is hard to believe. It didn't all add up, that he just couldn't remember anything. But it didn't matter.. He was talking, and eating, and breathing just like a normal person again. He was home and he was okay. And he was still leaving, but it wasn't just something he was convincing himself this time. He was back to exactly what I remembered. I wasn't scared of him anymore. We were with him, and we were laughing, and it's like everything that had happened just didn't matter. What he taught me is that it doesn't matter what happens to you or what everyone believes, if you can make yourself believe something and make yourself jump into something that quickly, that's all that matters. He went back to normal just like that. And I know he was still unhappy, because in reality, he was still running away because he didn't know what else to do with his life. But he forced himself back to his old ways for his friends, for his family, for his pride. What Bryant showed me was that we can make our lives into whatever we want it to be. Where we are, and where we're going, is all under our control. He showed me that to get back up on your feet again, you have to make yourself believe all sorts of things. We're all stuck in something that we can't get out of. And I feel like sometimes we have to force ourselves to let things be okay, even if we're not. That just because everything feels destroyed, doesn't mean you should keep destroying. Just because you feel like you lost your grip, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get it back. And when you truly believe you can't, do it anyway. Fight against your negativity, your grudges, and your fears, or else they have control. And things slip away so quickly when you let them.

I don't know if he'll come back. And I don't know why people always leave at the worst times. But I'm realizing more and more that it's time to focus on my next steps, too. It's time for me to fight against the current.

Some lighter heads for our heavy hearts

'And now I don't know why, but I still try to smile
when they talk at me like I'm just a child.
Well, I'm not a child. No, I am much younger than that.

And now I have read some books and have grown quite brave.
If I could just speak up I think I would say that there is no truth.
There is only you and what you make the truth. '

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Drop The World

I've got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind.

I can hardly talk to people anymore, even the people who love me the most. Because everything that runs through my head I can't even put into words, and when I try I end up feeling like it's misinterpreted or made into something else. The things that I've seen and the things that have been played out in front of me the past few months have changed my world. And I'm feeling so far from everybody else, but I've never felt closer to myself. I've let fear and anxiety take over the majority of my life and can hardly enjoy myself wherever I am. I feel so closed off. As lonely as I've been, I still haven't been left alone. But it's my biggest fear. And I'm just in shock with how fast things can happen, all at once.

Cammisha moved out, so the house is more quiet now. But last night she came over and even though it was a bunch of silence, through our car rides, or sitting in my room, at one point she asked me, "When do you think this started?" And I tried to think back.. Which is what I've been trying to do for a while now, think back to the last time I was happy, and figure out what took me away. But I couldn't. Then she asked me, "How will you get out of it?" And that question keeps burning, too.

Yesterday, I forgot my own dads birthday. And the only thing he got from me was an argument over the phone. By the time I realized it, I was rushing to get home, and he was already going to sleep. Tonight I looked through pictures of the dinner they had, and felt disgusting not being able to say I was there. I've been torn apart, and torn away. From just about every single thing in my life. The last shift of work I worked was on Saturday. Mon pulled me to the back at the end of the night and told me she's changing up my shifts for personal time off. When I asked her why, and she said, "I look at you from when you first started, and you now, and see something missing.. And I think the best thing I could do for you right now, is to give you time to yourself." And I was thinking, "I already have enough of that." But I took it anyway. It's funny how most of the time, when I think I have things hidden so well, I don't realize how obviously they're being displayed. How when I think what I'm doing is only changing my life, I'm changing the lives around me, too.

These past few months have pushed me to rely on my own strength more than ever before. But I'm learning, and I'm keeping all these thoughts sealed safe in the back of my mind. Because all these things I've learned are things that nobody can ever take away from me. A strength that can never be broken.