Children keep on dreamin'

I've gotten so used to being around my mom that it's really just a shock that she's not with me right now. I keep feeling like she's just out, and will be returning to David's sometime soon. She wasn't supposed to leave tonight. I was supposed to keep myself together when I said bye to her, because I hate her seeing me hurt. I hate seeing her hurt.

But it's hard to hold together your composure when you hear balling while she gives you a hug. It's hard hearing that without us, her kids, she feels like there's no other meaning in life. All of us lose a little bit of ourselves whenever we have to say goodbye to her, and the only time that piece comes back, is when we get to see her again. David really tried to keep it together. And he can keep a straight face, but red eyes give it all away. He needs her. He tries to keep it casual when he says "Oh yeah, come back anytime." and "Oh yeah I love you, have a safe trip home." But you can see how much he wants her to stay.

I miss her so much. I had one of the best talks with her this spring break while I was at her house. After dad called me telling me he found the things I wrote. After he told me everything I fear. You know what I'm talking about. For once, somebody understood why I did the things I've done the past few months. My mom told me that if you ever want change. Real change. You have to destroy everything in front of you. You have to reach the point where you're completely helpless and then find your greatest strengths to put yourself back together again.
At some point, we all have to hit rock bottom.
It felt so good being reckless.. Knowing that afterwards was going to be the greatest up rise. And it was. And it is. And it has been. I've truly tested myself. I've shown myself how much I can take.

Thank you for taking your eyes of worry off of me. Thank you for understanding.
I think about the next time I get to see you every single day.
You are the closest thing to me. You are the best thing that I have.

I love you, Mom.