Thursday, November 29, 2007


Time for more spill outs

  • I really hate the weather. It's slowly starting to bring down my mood. And it's making everybody all pissy and depressed. It's really annoying.

  • I really like the song shoreline. It inspires me to do something great.

  • People just don't seem to be motivating me lately. Which is unusual.

  • Tomorrow's the last day of November

  • I really can't stop thinking about how much is going to crash down December + January

  • I don't think this blog is doing anything except make me think more, and make me feel even more stressed.

  • But I'm still writing because when I need to spill everything out, this is where e I do it.

  • This week went by so slowly. For so long the weeks were going by fast. Now they're just getting really, really, long.

  • I'm always in pissy moods during the week days. And I'm the happiest person on the planet during the weekends.

  • My dad told me tonight I think too much. I told him I agree.

  • My mom told me tonight that she's doing good. And that makes me feel good.

  • My brother told us tonight he wants to get his life back on track. And I really think he means it.

  • I need to give Mackenzie her book back. Or buy her a new one since I completely ruined the cover. I feel bad.

  • I WANT TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHY NEXT SEMESTER. I went into that classroom. It's so laid back. So cool.

  • I'm supposed to hangout with some old friends this weekend. It'll be so great. And all my other plans sound gooood.

  • Then the weekend after this weekend, family party in Portland. So pumped up.

  • No homework tonight. Finished it all in class. Thank god.

  • I hate going anywhere for lunch, or first period now since it's so cold. I prefer just staying in the library with the whole group there.

  • I love hanging out with everyone in the library. Even if the librarians a bitch.

  • Go Rayven for making a petition to get her out of this school!

  • I keep getting text messages and I don't even wanna read them tonight

  • Every thing's bugging me. Susan talking so loud. My room being messy. The fact that I'm always so tired lately. How lately I always shake. Actually, it's been like that forever. I always shake for some reason. I can't keep my hands still right now. It's annoying. My dad says it's because of my poor diet.

  • Caitlin and I are falling behind in Advanced TV

  • I'm almost to my hundredth post on here.

  • I'm gonna clean my room now.
  • Tuesday, November 27, 2007

    I love third period

    Multicultural studies is by far the best class I've taken so far in high school.

    Really. It's so interesting. Today we did this thing called the spirit walk. Where we all stand in one big group and Jose (the teacher) calls out certain things such as "If you play a musical instrument. Step forward" and if the thing he calls out applies to you, you step forward and turn around and look at all of your class.

    He called all these different things.
    "If you have somebody in your family that's an alcoholic step forward"
    "If you've lost somebody important to you"
    "If you've been treated with racism"

    And then

    "If you've ever been mistreated, humiliated, or betrayed by somebody at Sheldon high school. Step forward."

    I think everybody except for about five people stepped forward for that one. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if those five people were being honest. Maybe they were. I don't know. Not like it's important.

    Then after he ran out of things to call out, Jose asked us if we have any other ideas of things to call out. And a few people named some things, and some people stepped forward. And you just learn a lot about everyone in the class. And it breaks a lot of stereotypes that I've thrown on people in there.

    After the spirit walk we all talked about what we thought of it as a class. And it was really interesting to hear what everybody had to say. There's this blind girl named Jessica in our class. And I swear, even though she can't see, she's the happiest person on this planet. Jose asked her what she thought about this activity. And she said

    "You just learn a lot about people. And you learn that people put up with the same things that you put up with. And even though I can't see. I could hear and feel everybody walking forward with me when you asked who has been mistreated at Sheldon High School at least ONCE. And it's really nice to know that I'm not alone. Because I've been feeling that a lot lately."

    I think Jose's eyes started watering up on that one.

    I swear that class is making my views towards everything even stronger.

    Sunday, November 25, 2007

    Dreams of limping & crawling

    So the past two nights I've had these dreams where I keep trying to get somewhere and I can't because it hurts to walk. So I start limping. Then it hurts so much when I'm limping so I start crawling and that hurts too. And it happens in stages. And it was like that for so much of the dream. Me just limping and crawling to get somewhere. Since I had the dreams two nights in a row I looked up what it means

    Uh and surprisingly it's all true.

    Trouble Walking

    To dream that you have difficulties walking, indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences. The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing.


    To dream that you are limping, refers to a lack of balance in some relationship in your life. You feel that the relationship is one-sided. Perhaps you feel that you are giving more than you are getting back or vice-versa.


    To dream that you are crawling, indicates that you are approaching your goals with careful forethought and preparation. Alternatively, you may be lowering yourself and your standards. You may be doing less than your best.

    Sunday, November 18, 2007

    Changing + growing

    "No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow."

    Now I'm really gonna try to make this blog short and simple. But I don't know if I'll be able to. Here we go.

    "Change" it seems to be the only thing that's on my mind lately. Really. I really can't believe how much has changed, how much I've changed, and how much my life has transformed into a complete new one over one term of the year. It's so much, it's kind of scary. I like this change though. For once, I feel like everything is right. I can actually say I'm really happy. I guess some of my actions have changed. I guess I'm growing. And as Cameron pointed out to me, as I change, and as I grow, I'm going to lose people. It happens. Not just to me, to everybody. And I keep trying to get these friends back, and I keep trying to relive moments that I miss, and I keep trying to hold people back from walking out of my life. But he tells me, "Just let them go. If you were to try and get the friendship back, the friendship just wouldn't be real anymore. And it's the way it has to be."

    After hearing that I'm looking for reasoning for the way things have to be.

    I hate to let things go. I hate to give up on people. I hate feeling like I've abandoned somebody. So many people think I like going through friends as if they're nothing to me. You don't even know how many people say that to me. Or ask me "Who's your best friend now? Haha!" as if it's funny. I really never chose to lose people in my life.

    Cameron pointed out to me that as you grow, your actions change. You can still act the same, but when you change your actions, you ARE a different person. And people that were once close to you can drift away from you because they don't believe you're "new" actions are correct. God this would be so much easier to explain if I could just use the persons name, but I would hate to throw our problems out to the Internet. This friend that I'm losing has different morals and different beliefs than me. And I hate that we're losing our friendship. But in order for me to save it I'd have to become the type of person he wants in his life. I'd have to change my actions, I'd have to change my beliefs, I'd have to change my morals. I'd have to change myself. Cameron tells me that once you've changed, you've changed. And you have to accept it, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much you think you still are exactly the same, sometimes other people can see it in a complete different way. I hope you're still with me. I'm REALLY trying to make this make sense. He tells me that if I'm not going to be the friend that this person needs, and if I'm going to keep letting him down, then I need to detach myself from him, and let go of this friendship. I just don't know if I can do that. I don't know how I could do that. Because I can try to get the friendship back that we once had, and I can try to pretend that every thing's still the same, but change has played it's course. We're starting to lack similarity. And my god, it's the hardest thing ever to accept. All I can say, is I'm happy right now. And I can't change myself. The person I once was has died. I'm someone new. I have different views towards things now. I have a different way of living. I'm just playing around with different ways of living. Cameron honestly is the smartest person that I know. He really has opened my eyes towards my other friends view towards all of this. And I'm sorry to the friend I'm losing. I'm sorry that I can't add up to your expectations (not sarcasm, and that's not supposed to sound mean) I'm sorry that I let you down, and I'm sorry that I can't be the friend you need. I just wish we could go back, to how it was.

    el oh el

    Thank god

    They got a call from them.
    Everythings okay. I feel better.

    Everytime stuff like this happens I always feel so much closer with my family. I can't explain it.



    I'm sitting in my bedroom waiting for a call from my dad.
    My brother and uncle have been out hunting since 6:00 this morning. It's now four and it's starting to get dark. We can't get a hold of either of them. And they were supposed to be back three hours ago. We've all been calling over and over. And there's been no answer back.

    My brother and dad are going up to the woods to look for them right now
    If we don't find them, we're calling for help. I'm getting nervous so I wanted to spill this out. Damn it.

    Saturday, November 17, 2007

    I can't stand my step mom

    I really can't stand her anymore.
    She's such a little snoop. Reading my text messages. Trying to fish stuff out of my friends. Screw you Susan Hinkle

    You don't even deserve to have the last name Fitzgerald

    The show was great. Even though it was like a crowd of thirty.
    Okay I'm leaving. I'm pissed off. I'm probably in the worst mood I've ever been in.

    Wednesday, November 14, 2007


    I laughed at it
    Hahahahahaz - Watch more free videos


    Three blogs in one night?! What the hell is wrong with me

    Sometimes the pictures are gay and don't load:

    I'm in construction

    This is just spilling out every word that runs across my mind. Each paragraph might not relate to the one before, but I just have a lot to say, and I'm trying to fit it all onto one blog.

    I'm starting to make it better. I still don't know what I need. I still don't know where I'm going. I still don't know what I'm doing. But "I'm enjoying it all and that's all that matters"

    I wish I didn't care so much about your opinion. But I do. You're words of advice intrigue me like no other. Don't think that I don't care about you trying to guide me. I do. I know that you care more than many other people in my life. And I wish I didn't make things hard when you're trying to help. But I just don't think I can make the change for you that you want me to make. I'm constantly adjusting, changing, and fixing who I am. I'm in construction. I'm building myself every single day. And I'm starting to get annoyed by how cliche this sounds. I'm never going to be the exact same as I used to be. And I'm sorry that I promised you that. I just wish you could see the great in me that there is right now. I don't care if that sounds weird. There's a lot of great in me, there's a lot of bad in me. I'm a changed person. But I'd like to believe I've mostly changed for the better. I'm so much stronger than I ever was.

    Lets do a spell check real quick. Score! No missed spellings found!

    ON ANOTHER THOUGHT: I just talked to an old friend. It was nice. I like that we have conversation now. I really like that we're so content with each other. At least.. I think we are. I hope we are.

    I talked to Justin the other day on the phone. You know, my old best friend. Actually. He still is my best friend. No matter how long it's been since I've talked to him. I think I can always consider him my best friend. Anyways, we were probably on the phone for an hour. Talking about it all. Catching up. It was great. We planned to hangout and I couldn't get into town in time, so we didn't. But hopefully we'll get some hanging out before he leaves for Arizona.. That's gonna be really hard for me. He leaves in December. I feel like a fucking idiot for not asking him to hangout earlier. Okay I need to stop thinking about this subject.

    No really! I'm going to go do my homework now. I think..


    What I've been up to? A lot of nothing. But all of this nothing is so great.

    I guess the only down side of what's been going on is there's no more free fourth periods. No more seeing Chelsea and Caitlin every single day. I really hope Caitlin and I don't lose touch with Chelsea. I would hate for that to happen.

    Yeah, there's new classes now. I love my classes. Okay, my schedule:
    Free first period with Andrew and Avieta. I love it. It's always fun.
    Second period, math.
    Third period is Multicultural Studies (GREATEST CLASS)
    Fourth period is advanced TV with Caitlin.

    Really, I love Multicultural. Even though I know nobody in that class other than Stefanie. Today we did all of these little games to break the awkwardness. But really it just made everything even more awkward. We had to go around and ask people questions, get them to sign their names, all that jazz. I guess it was sort of fun. Then we all got in this big circle and we had to stare at the person next to us, straight in the eyes, for thirty seconds. Dead silent. It was so awkward. And the point of it was, to study the person with in the thirty seconds and put together what type of person you think they are. Then, you write down how you see them, and what you think about them on a note card. I guess we're doing that tomorrow. It should be interesting what the girl says about me because I couldn't be serious at all. I kept cracking up while we were staring at each other. Oh man.. I love that class.

    I really can't think about what else I've been up to. Advanced TV is nice. Caitlin and I are gonna do a documentary on Chelsea Hunt. Or on Patrick Green. "What's a Chelsea Hunt?" Hahahahahah oh my god, that was probably the funniest thing I heard all day.

    Uh, I took a nap today. For an hour. I woke up by Katie jumping on my bed, turning on all the lights, and taking off my socks. It was funny. I love having her around at the house.

    I guess I'm going to do my homework now. So I don't have to do it when I'm around Andrew and Avieta tomorrow during first period.

    Monday, November 12, 2007


    "People die so many times in their lifetime. To me the death of a person means they have changed, and they are no longer that person. Everytime someone changes, they become someone new. That person they once were is dead, non existant. At the same time they are themselves, so we should learn to accept the change in people. That's why memories are important to try and get every day you can. Try and get some of everyone inside a single person. People have an inconistant way of living, they change so much. I believe that people should not try to stop their friends from changing, because with that you end up with a non-existant un-real friendship, or fake friends. Don't keep someone around just because you used to be real good friends with them, they might have changed, keep that person in your head and save those memories, and leave the murderer alone, unless the murder was for a greater good. A change that was a necessary one. The terrible tragedy of life that people change, and no one wants to except it. I miss a lot of things, I miss certain moments and people I have had in my life, and to miss something I had to have a memory of it, so I want as many memories as I can get. Sometime you have to beat yourself to move one from things, and you have to beat yourself just so you don't feel that pain of loss ever again. We lose people more often than people think, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. I feel fortunate to have built a group that survives and is constructed for change, we change, and I feel I manipulate the structure to work." - Cameron Wray

    Friday, November 9, 2007

    Oh SO good

    Yesterday was so great. Such a good way to end the week.
    For everyone that was there, here are all the pictures:

    ^ Jacob, are you sure you want to put that up? Hahahaa!


    ^ And in that one

    ^ Kelli took that

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    ^ Slow synchro mode

    "So Patrick, how do Austrians see white people?" lmao

    Great great great great

    Thursday, November 8, 2007


    Last night my dad told me it was a no for Portland. He told me it was because I had a party. I went off at him. Yelling at him, arguing the whole night. I guess I went a little over board. I guess he has a reason to be upset. But I was just mad that I couldn't go to portland. We haven't talked since last night. He hasn't answered when I called either

    : /


    I read my horoscope this morning in photoshop.
    It said:

    April 20-May 20
    Daily Overview: November 08, 2007

    You may be pretty sensitive, especially where family is concerned. Remember that before you react too strongly to small transgressions -- it's far better to wait than to blow up over nothing.


    Tuesday, November 6, 2007

    Halloween night

    Brand New! Best concert of my life. I wanna go back.
    Sorry if the video's gay and doesn't load

    The other videos:

    Monday, November 5, 2007


    I'm really liking November. It's really a good month. I don't know if it can add up to how good October was though. Maybe it will, I don't know! Tonight was really great. Cammisha and I walked around Coburg, even though it was freezing (which I enjoy) I like actually love the freezing cold lately for some reason. Anyways, we got pizza and walked back, and watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. It was really great. REALLY great. And she just left. And I'm already getting tired. And I've been listening to David ford all night. I FINALLY FOUND "There is a light" I remember I messaged him saying "Put back up There Is a Light! That's my favorite" and he said "I'll keep it in mind, Michael!" and he did it! Woo! It really is one of my favorite songs.

    It's only nine thirty, and I'm already tired. Well, there was a time change. So it would really be 10:30 right now. I'm so not used to this time change. It was completely dark at 5:30. That's so insane.

    Okay I'm going to go get some cranberry grape juice, listen to David Ford, and then watch TV until I fall asleep. I really wish I could find my ipod. Goodnight!

    Sunday, November 4, 2007

    I'm back on blogger

    It wouldn't let me get on my BlogSpot for so long. I don't even know why. I had the password right and everything. I don't know. BUT, I'm back on and I'll have more posts now. I've been wanting to write everyday on here but I wasn't able to.

    Hmm last night was fun. I had people over. We blasted music. We partied to my strobe light. They left. I cleaned, and I was home alone and bored. So Cameron, Austin, and Alex came over and spent the night.

    This weekend was insane. So much fun. But almost a little too much to deal with.
    I don't know. I'm really excited for next weekend though. Goin' to Jacob's condo in Portland. As long as my dad says yes. Patrick's coming with us too. It'll be fun.

    Yesterday Caitlin, Andrew, and I walked around the duck game (outside of the duck game actually) going to random tailgaters. Trying to find me a Sierra Mist. We were probably walking around for about 3 hours maybe even longer. I don't know. It was so much fun though. I'm actually really starting to enjoy winter. Afterwards they came over, with everyone else and made grilled cheese sandwiches.

    My dad and Susan are home. I cleaned the house so well so they don't even know people were over ;) YOU KNOW MEH! I actually feel guilty about having people over for some reason. I don't know. I would just hate to lose trust with my dad. I'm doing nothing today. Homework, and laying around I guess? I don't know I want to go somewhere but I don't wanna find a ride.