Memories for better times

Tonight I called off work because david was in the hospital again. I had to show up and tell the front desk I'm his ride home so they could give him his shot. It's a shot that drugs him up so he'll be numb to the migraine for the night. They told me he shouldn't have even driven himself there. That his migraine is so bad that he can hardly even see straight.

My dad and Susan showed up to pick up his car for him, and alyssa came to give him a ride home. We were all silent in the waiting room. I looked over at my dad, he had his head down in silence. He said, "I'm so sick of coming here. I'm so sick of david not changing anything in his life to fix this." He crossed his arms and looked up and says, "I give up. I can't try anymore. I've tried long enough." We all stopped talking and looked over at the door each time it opened, thinking it was him. It wasn't. My dad says to Alyssa, "It really hurts me that he never answers my calls. He never will text me back. He never comes when I invite him to dinner. I've tried everything I can.." And I was shaking my head out of anger.. "There's nothing else I can do." My dad and I started to argue about what trying really is. I told him if he really cared, if he was really trying, he would never give up. I told him that caring isn't calling to say, "You need to quit all that crap and pull yourself together." That isn't going to make David want to change his life. My dad has never been able to understand us at our weakest points, and never trys to. He forces us out of it by making us feel even more weak. I don't think you can force change on somebody, but it's easier to pick yourself up when you know somebody believes you can. When somebody understands where you are at. Alyssa said to him that when David looks back on all of this when he's better, he needs to know that we were all there caring for him. He doesn't want to look back on all the people that gave up on him.

Dad goes, "Dustin, Susans son lives in China. He's in town for the month and I see him more than I see my own son that lives 15 minutes away. Dustins across the seas, and I feel jealous about their relationship because even that's something I don't have.. Sometimes I wish it made it easier to pretend that Dustin was my son."

The doors opened and David walked out into the waiting room pale white and taking his steps very slowly. He was shaking and wrapped in his brown coat he always wears that seems to be getting bigger and bigger on him. It's so hard looking at him. He was staring straight forward towards the ground with his dialated eyes. In the middle of my dad telling him about a doctor he found, in the middle of Alyssa telling him to call in sick to work, in the middle of susan talking about how much eating habits can change, he looked up at me and said, "Thank you for coming." And he tried to smile. As we all walked outside, my dad trailed behind david and said, "You should come to the house sometime and see everything that I've remodled since you've last been there." You could hear the desperatness in his voice. But David was too doped up to reply, and so my dad just kept walking behind him. Before they got in the car my dad tried giving david a hug but it ended up being him putting his arms around david and holding on tight while david gave him a small pat on the back.

I went to my car in the parking structure and I sat there for a minute shivering and waiting for the car to warm up, and I cried. I wish David wanted to help himself, and I wish my dad knew David loves him but doesn't know how to show it.

Finding where you found me

Last night was the first night that I actually made myself go do something after work. I spent it with people that I usually don't, or people that I don't even like all that much. But it was nice because it was something new. For once. I grow addicted to nights like last night because it's all things that I know won't be predictable, like my life is now a days. It's all a bunch of conversations that normally wouldn't be said, and things that will be forgotten, a lot of, "Lets do something next weekend." A lot of swapping numbers and new contacts that you never really even end up texting.

At one point while at Adias I snuck away from everybody and went upstairs where no one was and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the counter and pulled out my phone. I wanted to call you.. And I didn't know why. But I knew you wouldn't want to hear what I was doing or why I didn't come over. I called Michele. We were laughing as I was quoting to her all the things people downstairs were saying to me, and telling her all the convestaions I had with people about her. After she hung up, I sat there for a little bit longer and thought about stopping by Stephanies. By suprise. Showing up to say hi. I had my fun. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be there. Then I remembered I had to give rides home. I remembered that I was drunk. So I went back downstairs and I stayed.. Went back downstairs and listened to Mariah tell me about the girl she wanted to fight, and talked to Paige about how she hates being the one who has to drive her drunk best friend around every weekend. Smoked with Adia outside, and kept drinking the drinks I was handed from people I don't even know. Going up to old friends and talking to them about why we stopped talking, posing in pictures and smiling really big, laughing so hard at Joey mopping the floor with the biggest mop I had ever seen, listening to Parkers stories, and watching Taylor and Joey tango.

It's nice to get out of my house and feel things that aren't so real. But it doesn't make me any less alone. It doesn't make anything easier the next day, because the next morning when I wake up with my head pounding and hungover, the first thing I think about is you after reading your message you had sent when I got off work asking me what I was doing. Somehow I make myself think that it was wrong of me to go out.

Vulnerable

"Why didn't you sleep last night?"
"Over something stupd.."
"What?"
"Waiting for her to call."
"Why did you want her to call? What'd you have to say?"
"Nothing really I just wanted to talk."
"And did she end up calling?"
"No.. And then I was just angry.. Which is what kept me up"

"Where are you going after third?"
"I don't know, she's not answering so I guess home."
"Do you want to go some where else?"
"No, not really."

But most important..

"It takes away a lot of my energy."
"What does? Work?"
"No. Her. And the time I spend hanging how I feel onto what she ends up doing. If we make plans and she ends up doing something else she doesn't care enough to call or tell me. And then it's me just basing my day off of guessing what she'll do, or what I should do. Nothing is ever straight forward, because she makes it that way."
"Don't you realize what you were trying to do from the start?"
"I sort of forgot what or why."
"You told me that you were trying to love her without depending on her, or even being around her because you knew that was taking too much of you. What happened to that plan?"
"I gave in. Because I still care."
"You'd still be caring both ways.. Just with your original plan you weren't being so vulnerable.."
"So what do I do?"
"You wait. You can love her all you want but I know it hurts not feeling loved back. You wait until she's ready to love you by more than just saying it."

Breakeven

It's so selfish of me to ask you to pay attention to us when you need to pay attention to you more than anything else. I'm lying if I say I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore. Because at the end of the night, I still love you. When I don't want to be anywhere else, I still want to be with you. No matter how upset I get with the things you do, it doesn't make me hate you. There is a lot of hurt in our relationship, yeah. But there's so much more between all of that. I can't make myself stop wanting this. I can't tell myself to keep going and not look back, and actually do it. I can't push myself away from what I feel.

I don't know what will happen, if everything will happen all over again, or where we'll end up. But it doesn't matter right now.

Molli said to me, "No one can prepare themselves to fall in love, and you can't prepare yourself for what happens when you fall out."

It's the in between part we have to enjoy. Not where it ends up. Because it will end up the way it's meant to end up. And there is no reason to back away from something that you strongly believe and know you need.. I love you. And I'll be here for you as whatever you need me to be.. Whether we're together, or if I'm just there as your friend. I'll always listen, and I'll always help. And if we both decide that I do need to move on, it doesn't mean I have to walk away. That's not the only way to move on. And if we're ever apart, it doesn't mean we can't still love. I'll do whatever it takes for you to love yourself. Even if that means you not loving me anymore.

Add to the list of all the places we hate

Tonight is one of the reasons that I know that we are both ready to get out of this town. You need to escape this more than anything. And no, I don't want to leave to escape anything, but what thing that we do have that's mutual about our wants for leaving Eugene is because we both want to feel something new. I can't even remember the number of times I've sat on the phone with you while your mom is screaming in the background. You'll set down the phone and I just hear it continuing. She always comes in when we're in the middle of talking about something good. Which seems to be her pattern of doing things, coming into the middle of good things to ruin whatever she can. I hate her for the things she says to you so much. There have been so many times where I want to hang up on you just so I can call her and yell out the things I was holding in the whole time listening to you two fight.

This has always been a usual things for us, having to laugh off everything she's saying. Things that could hurt us so bad, but we chose to ignore. Her saying, "I'll call Michaels dad and tell him what your father's doing to me. He'll listen. I'll tell him what he did to Michael's mother."

That's one thing I hate her for so much. It's either, "I know what happened to Michaels mother." Or it's, "I know what Michaels mother did to them." and then she yells, "She left them." The worst thing anybody could ever say to me is something about my mom. You don't touch that. It's not your fault she says all of these things, and you don't have to feel guilty for it. Nothing she said tonight made sense what so ever. And I hope that those things, the ridiculous things she said tonight do not eat away at you. And I hope you know that nights like tonight, when you're in your room reading, and she's screaming and crying and throwing things downstairs, telling you about ending her life, you can always call me and I'll grab my car keys and be right out the door to pick you up in my car with the heater on and music playing, and a blanket for you in the front seat. To take you to dennys where we get hot chocolate and talk for a couple hours. You are always safe here, you're always safe with me.