Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Children keep on dreamin'

I've gotten so used to being around my mom that it's really just a shock that she's not with me right now. I keep feeling like she's just out, and will be returning to David's sometime soon. She wasn't supposed to leave tonight. I was supposed to keep myself together when I said bye to her, because I hate her seeing me hurt. I hate seeing her hurt.

But it's hard to hold together your composure when you hear balling while she gives you a hug. It's hard hearing that without us, her kids, she feels like there's no other meaning in life. All of us lose a little bit of ourselves whenever we have to say goodbye to her, and the only time that piece comes back, is when we get to see her again. David really tried to keep it together. And he can keep a straight face, but red eyes give it all away. He needs her. He tries to keep it casual when he says "Oh yeah, come back anytime." and "Oh yeah I love you, have a safe trip home." But you can see how much he wants her to stay.

I miss her so much. I had one of the best talks with her this spring break while I was at her house. After dad called me telling me he found the things I wrote. After he told me everything I fear. You know what I'm talking about. For once, somebody understood why I did the things I've done the past few months. My mom told me that if you ever want change. Real change. You have to destroy everything in front of you. You have to reach the point where you're completely helpless and then find your greatest strengths to put yourself back together again.
At some point, we all have to hit rock bottom.
It felt so good being reckless.. Knowing that afterwards was going to be the greatest up rise. And it was. And it is. And it has been. I've truly tested myself. I've shown myself how much I can take.

Thank you for taking your eyes of worry off of me. Thank you for understanding.
I think about the next time I get to see you every single day.
You are the closest thing to me. You are the best thing that I have.

I love you, Mom.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Free fallin, fallin'

It's a really good feeling having my mom in town. I loved being in Idaho. It's such an escape. With no cell phone service, no computer, and no way of getting a hold of anybody, it's such a perfect time to do whatever "self repair" is needed.

And although it was only a week, I came back changed. Like always.

Today was so good. It started out with a cup of coffee, and a haircut. I loved today because for the first time in a long time, I saw David happy. And really happy. It felt so good having my car back. And I really loved going around town trying to find the perfect gift for David. I would've spent all of the money I had in my wallet on him, if I knew what else to get him. I went to dads for a little, and talked with him, and watched Susan talk to Dustin on Skype. Dad was on the boarder line of drunk. Dad never drinks. But it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. We're getting along so well. What I loved, was being able to walk away from the house, and drive to another house where my mom was. It felt unreal.

Saying, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Hearing, "It was nice to see you again."
Feeling like I was independent.
Hearing mom say, "I'll see you soon."
I'm not used to any of this.

And knowing that Mom, Walt, David, and Alyssa were waiting for me at Davids house with a freezer full of ice cream, and a DVD. Every one's asleep right now and I just want to go wake all of them up. My mom's still here, and I already miss her. I just wish it was always like this.

Friday, March 27, 2009

When every little thing fell through

I regret doing every thing that I did to help you out because you're unappreciative and ungrateful.

I don't know what else to say..

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Every prayer inside I'm clinging to. A promise of a lifetime.

I woke up this morning to Susan standing in my doorway. I could only see the silhouette of her standing there. And she was saying my name repetitively until I gained consciousness.

And then she said everything you fear the most coming out of a parents mouth.
"Me and you need to talk some day soon. Because yesterday, seeing what happened, it really got to me. And I really don't want to see you going down the wrong road. I know everything that's going on. And I can't keep quiet about it anymore." Her goal of waking me up was successful. Because after she said that, I was wide awake.
She said, "I know about the nights you snuck the car out. Because when we shared the car I watched the mileage go up when it shouldn't of." I would talk and defend myself but I'm trying not too lie all the time anymore. "I know you drink because when you'd go out with friends for the night, the alcohol cabinet gained a little more space the next day." But I couldn't sit there in fear listening to her nail me down with everything I've done. I had to say something.

"I don't drink."
No more lying. I have to fess up.
"And I know when your dad thinks he's counting his money wrong, you're taking it."
She's so good. How does she figure this all out? He can't even put it together.
"I would not take his money."
That was the last lie.

"I'm worried about you, Michael."
"I'm fine."
The biggest lie of them all.

"And you'd think I told your dad about this all by now. But I haven't. And I won't."
And I was silent.. How has she kept quiet about this for so long? Why hasn't she used it against me when I've been so terrible? How did I sink so low?

"You know we both love you."
I've never heard her say she loves me. I guess she never thought that it was her place to say that since she's my step mom and all. She always avoids saying or doing anything that a mother figure would do, because she thinks it would make me upset. I still sat in bed in silence. Nervously ripping the fuzz off of the blanket wrapped around me.
"I just hope that after the funeral yesterday, you realized we all need to make some change."

And she's right..

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

"Love is eternal. Family is forever." - Sam Baltzer

Tonight Susan, my dad, Matthew, and I went to Beau Baltzers memorial service. And it was really hard. It was really touching. And it was very real more than anything else. It was so hard watching his family during the service. I didn't know him very well. But my brother Matthew at one point was close friends with him. Beau was out at our house a lot when him and my brother were friends. I don't remember it, but he was around.

I've grown up going to the same schools as Abbie. And we haven't really talked since eighth grade, but seeing her tonight hurt so much. Her words towards Beau were so heavy. So powerful. You could hear the pain in her voice. And the stories they told, made you feel like you've known Beau your whole life. I haven't cried as much as I did, in such a long time. At one point, Beau's brother Chris talked about how much we communicate through technology. We say it through texts, we say it through myspace, we say it through the phone. But we don't say "I love you" enough to the people that we really love. So he said, "Beau, let me say it to you face to face. I love you."

And chills ran through me.

All the pictures that were displayed, all the songs that were played, all the words that were said, meant so much. The room was packed full of people that Beau has made an impact on. Even when all the seats were filled, any empty spots were covered with more people sitting on the floor. Every single person in there, was there for him. And you could feel the love. I wish he knew he was cared for. I wish he knew he wasn't alone..

It's really scary how fast things like this happen.
And I can't imagine how hard it would be to experience a loss like that.
To lose somebody that amazing. But he will always be remembered. And he went down with such a great reputation attached to him.

Stay strong, Baltzer family.
And Rest In Peace, Beau.

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I looked at a couple pictures.
I listened to a couple songs.
And somehow, after that, got this rush. And something told me to message you.

Whether the message is replied to, or left as read.
I said what I wanted to say.
I've done what I've needed to do for so long.
I'm really proud of myself.

There's not enough time to carry these grudges anymore.
I can't let it haunt me any longer.
I can't keep living with constant curiosity and doubt. Maybe doubt was replaced with hopefulness. And maybe my hopefulness will be replaced with disappointment..
Which I'm scared of..

Something tells me that saying what I needed to say isn't going to be enough for me.
I don't think I should get my hopes up.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

You're keeping in step, in the line

Sometimes we all want to be on display.
Sometimes all we need is someone to feel exactly how we feel.

And you're getting pretty good at this whole "capturing other peoples emotions" thing.

So keep your chin up high.
Because everybody is watching. Everybody knows.
And as much as you don't admit it, you love that all eyes are on you.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Don't waste your time with politics

If I'm standing by people, I am always eavesdropping. No matter how uninteresting they are, I can't help but to listen. I know people in my photography class. People in that class know me. But I don't talk to any of them. None of them talk to me. I guess I'm bad at that sort of thing. The whole, talking to old friends thing. After you stop talking for a couple years, things are just straight up awkward. Because of course you both are different people now. It ends up being the both of you regathering memories, or talking about the people you spend your time with now, or talking about other people. Because that's the easiest thing you can do when you don't know what else to say. Say something about someone else. I'm getting off subject from what I was trying to say. But basically, I don't talk to anybody in that class.

Today, while I was sitting at my table, I listened in on the sophomores that sit at the table next to me while I was putting my photo book together. They kept talking about how much "Drama" they have in their life. How much they hate "Drama." How she called her this. And he said this. And How pissed they were. How life sucks. And "I just want to go to a school with no drama."

And I couldn't help but laugh. These sophomores sitting next to me, with their eyes glued to their phones, and their excessive gum popping, don't seem to understand how ridiculous they sound. There's a fine line between life's consequences, and problems that you create on your own. And then I think, they don't realize how boring their life would be with out it. And then I listen to table to the other side of me, and I hear two girls talking about school. And their honors classes. And how much time it takes up. And all the work they have to get done. And it hit me that with out chaos, we would have absolutely nothing. And in reality, nobody really wants it to go away. No one wants their stress to be gone, or their lives fixed, or their problems gone.

Because then what would they have left? Just the big, scary unknown.

If the moon fell down tonight

"Everytime I see your smile
it makes my heart beat fast
And though it's much too soon to tell
I'm hoping this will last

'Cause I just always wanna have you
Right here by my side
The futures near but never certain
At least stay here for just tonight

I must have done something right
To deserve you in my life
I must have done something right along the way

I just can't get you off my mind and why would I even try?
Even when I close my eyes I dream about you all the time

And even if the moon fell down tonight,
There'd be nothing to worry about to worry about at all,
because you make the whole world shine
As long as you're here everything will be alright"

I love you

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

When you sent me off to see the world

My dad already thinks I'm destroying my life, but he doesn't know much about me. I think if he were to break down the walls I've built to keep him away from knowing me, he'd realize I'm such a stranger. If he were to look at my life, if her were to see the things he doesn't know, he'd see sides of me he never knew existed. He'd see nights where I snuck out and took the car, he'd see parties I've thrown while he was out of town, alcohol bottles, and untrustworthy people. He'd see lighters, hidden progress reports, money stolen from his wallet, receipts for expensive things, and pointless things. Days spent at home instead of school. He'd see me talking on the phone all night and falling asleep two hours before I had to wake up for school. He'd see me stealing my phone back when he takes it away, and a car full of people that aren't allowed to drive with me for another five months. And if he saw all that.. If he knew that side of me.. I don't think he'd want to call me his son. When he already has a hard time trusting me or putting faith into me at all.

If he knew that I'm struggling, he'd have a hard time accepting it.
I tell him what he wants to hear. And hardly let him get close to me at all. But when it comes to my mom.. She knows it all. She knows all of that about me. And I'm tired of making her worried sick about me. Because she's hundreds of miles away. And yes mom, dad threw me up against the wall. And we yelled words full of hate towards each other. But I promise we're going to be fine. I'm going to be fine.

"Mother Mother, how's the family? I'm just calling to say hello.
How's the weather? How's my father? Am I lonely? Heavens no.
Mother mother, are you listening? Just a phone call to ease your mind.
Life is perfect. Never better. Distance making the heart grow blind.

If I tell you what you want to hear, will it help you to sleep well at night?
Are you sure that Im your perfect dear? Now just cuddle up, and sleep tight.

I'm hungry, I'm freezing, I'm losing my mind. Everything's fine."

Monday, March 9, 2009

Survival of the fittest

What we do is we get close to someone,
We observe and learn everything about them. Their weaknesses, their fears, their annoyances, and when we need to, we pull it out on them.

It's what can make someone you love into an enemy.
It's the only thing we have against anyone.
Someones weakness can become your power.

And there's no stopping it.

It's a cold world. Bundle up.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I can't out run you

"You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend

It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me

And I can't outrun you"

Monday, March 2, 2009

Fakin' a smile with the coffee to go

Today was a bad day. Nothing unfortunate happened. No one did anything wrong, but I haven't really seen anybody today. And I haven't engaged in much conversation. For some reason I avoided any form of human contact. I got annoyed with every "Hello" and got a little more pissed off at anyone who bumped into me in the hallways. I even got frustrated having to reply when Mr. Linear called out my name for attendance. I felt very different from everyone today because everyone else seemed to be in a good mood. I don't really come across many days like this. No matter what, I usually always consider every day a good day. I guess I just let my bad mood take over.

But tonight when I was pulling out of dutch bros, I came to a red light and I was singing to the song on the radio. And I usually feel stupid singing in the car alone, but when I looked over at the car next to me, I saw them mouthing along too. They were listening to the same song. Singing the same song.

And just that, made my feeling of being disconnected from people today, go away.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


Fake excuses can get anyone through anything.
And even if they're obviously not true, sometimes they're enough to make someone forgive.

All I know is sometimes I compare myself to you, and I feel so much more sane.