Murphy's Laws

I stared at this blank screen for a long time and tried to figure out how to start this, but I don't know how. I'm happy lately. I guess that's a good start. My best friend is living with me, I haven't missed one class for two weeks, and I'm actually trying to put myself back together for once. Because when big details in your life collapse, you can't let the rest of the little ones that hold you together collapse, too. I am taking fear out of my life as much as I can. I fear for everything. And it's what has lead me here. I've learned a lot about myself and so many people in my life with in just the past month. And the last two months really have been the most significant to me..

The first night Cammisha moved all of her things into my house, after all the yelling, and chaos, after everything calmed down, she was sitting on her new bed in her new room with all of her suitcases and boxes around her. She told me about Murphy's Law. Which states, "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." You're supposed to hate the law because it's all things that make a bad day. I was upset when I read, "A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation." But I disagree.. Because I do believe once you stop hoping bad things won't happen, you'll stop hurting when they do. They're all negative, and they're harsh and brutal honest.. But that's the point. Life is not fair and it never will be. Murphy's Law is to not expect anything to go the way you want it to, and learn to accept that everything goes wrong. Every harsh honesty comes with a lesson, and every pain we need to learn how to take. It's not about looking for the positive in bad things, because that's something you have to do entirely on your own. It's about knowing that nobody gets it easy or can get around anything, and no matter how much you want to avoid the bad, it will always come. And you can't let the good slip away from you because of it. Things go wrong to test our strength. You make yourself strong by knowing what will always be around the corner. It's about things that don't really have a bright side. But as long as you know it's coming, that's all that matters. It's all about the truth. Things we look past. It's all about the things we try not to follow or believe. There's this big list I found of ones he's created and ones that other people made based off of Murphy's main ideas on life, love, war, music, and everything in between.. I liked these ones the most:

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.
You will always find something in the last place you look.
If your looking for more than one thing, you'll find the most important one last.
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

The other line always moves faster.
Doing it the hard way is always easier in the long run.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Everything takes longer than you think.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.
If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face.

Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.

If success is at first not achieved, every effort will be made to hide the fact that it was even attempted.

People who smile when things are going wrong have already thought of who will get the blame.

If you cannot convince people, confuse them.
If everything is coming your way, watch out.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk a lot less.
Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do when everything goes wrong.
The length of a minute depends on what your are waiting for.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Things always get worse before they get better.
Bad weather reports are right more often than sunny ones.
The first place to look for something is the last place you expect to find it.
As soon as you switch lanes, your old lane speeds up.
The worse the haircut, the slower it grows out.
Anybody who says they have no regrets, is lying.
We all come alone, we all go alone.
The more hungry, the less food in the fridge.
Nothing will ever be exactly how you picture it.
The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed.
Your favorite coworker will end up leaving.
If you're running late the bus will be too.
Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.
All bleeding stops... eventually.
Friendly fire - isn't.
Love will be lost.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
The later you are running, the slower the people in front of you, and on any accessible side are going to drive.
Your phone will die when you need it the most.

If you have a pen, there's no paper. If you have paper, there's no pen. If you have both, it will be a wrong number.

When you try to prove to someone that a machine doesn't work, it will always work perfectly once you show them.

Law of Planning: Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to really plan anything.

When the world solves one problem, the solution will usually create another problem, far worse than the first one.

Progress is the endless exchange of one problem for another.
Just because you studied, doesn't mean you'll pass.
Whatever plan you make, there is a hidden difficulty somewhere that will derail it.
The one emergency for which you are fully prepared will never happen.
Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
No one can ever leave anything well enough alone.
Whatever happens, look as though you intended it to happen.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
When things go wrong, they go wrong all at once, and at the worst possible time.
Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone. The worst happen when you're with somebody that you're trying to impress.
When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.

Nobody can truly ever understand how you feel.
Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.
Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.
Enjoy the good, because it's not as bad as you think, there's worse to come.
It takes forever to learn the rules and once you've learned them they change again.
You will find an easy way to do it, after you've finished doing it.
Accept the fact that nothing is fully yours.
Whatever you want to be, expect it to change.
If you plan too much, it's going to be a disaster.
You are not going to win the lottery.
Your spouse wins, then leaves you.
The more you try to sleep, you won't.
Common sense is not so common.

Two wrongs don't make a right. It usually takes three or four.
The key of happiness is to be okay with not being okay.
You're only lost if you admit it.
Don't do it if you can't keep up.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Nothing improves with age.
Love obscures common sense.
If you love a person let them go. If they don't come back, they weren't worth it.
The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most.
Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.

Hiding things doesn't really keep them away.
Don't deny being addicted, you'll become even more addicted.
It doesn't matter how many times you've done it, that doesn't mean you know it.
If you're expecting they won't call back, they won't call back.
If you expect someone to never leave you, you're setting up for disaster.

We build ourselves too much off of expectations for the better.. Knowing that there's a high possibility of so many things going wrong, isn't supposed to depress you. You're supposed to be able to laugh off the things that pop up in your day. You're supposed to know to keep going. Expect the worst. Love the best. And don't underestimate anything.

It's not something to live by, it's something to accept.

"But, remember, just when you think you know all the laws, another one appears."

Special Needs

I was going through my old facebook messages tonight in my inbox, just because I don't really know how to make myself fall asleep anymore, and there was this message from you that was sent in July. I was at Kyles house and he was on the phone with Rayven, while Nick was asleep on the floor. And we were sending video messages to each other back and forth. And I remember that night, kyle was getting annoyed cause I kept laughing loud and was scared I was going to wake up his parents. Tonight I scrolled back up to one of the videos I forgot to watch and it's just you saying, "I love you, Michael." And I felt how amazing it feels to hear that. I think about our conversation last night.. And I still can't even put together words to say back. I'm stuck in between feeling shock and repetition and I don't know what to believe anymore. All of a sudden everything that has hurt so bad these past couple weeks has me thinking, "Then what the hell was that?"

The whole time I was out last night, I couldn't even speak. I kept repeating in my head how all I've been thinking about is you. I thought about the things I was pulling together, and the things that were pulling me apart. The past few nights that I had to get high just so I could stop thinking and fall asleep. I drew myself away from everything and the whole time would be defending us whenever I'd talk about it. Defending your feelings for you. To everyone, and to myself. I'm thinking.. even if it was a short period of time, how come I still loved you through out every minute of that hell, but you didn't? How could you now? What brought it back? How could you say it was never going to happen again, make me draw all these conclusions, and then bring me right back to where we started?

I'm at a loss for words, and actions. We both want to be in each others lives but I'm starting to think maybe it's for different reasons. That you need me when you need somebody to fill in a space, and I always need you. That maybe you want me around, but in a different way, a way that you can distance yourself from every once in a while because it'd be a friendship, and it'd be okay to do that way. A relationship, a steady relationship, maybe isn't something you're ready for. Something you can stick your feelings to.

I keep seeing myself in so many different ways, but don't know what one seems better. A life where I move on with myself, or a life that I move on with you. I've thought about me leaving town at the end of this summer and thought, my life will keep moving both ways.. But what about while I'm still here? I still love her. I do want you back in my life even if we're nothing but two people that love each other, even if we're just friends, even if we don't know what we're doing. When I asked if you were busy, it's because I wanted you to come over. I called and then I hung up. Because I didn't know what I'd say.. I want you back but with a brand new start. Maybe that's what I was starting already without you. But you're here now.. and you do care, and I felt it from the day you said you didn't. And now my plans and beliefs once again have taken a sharp U turn and I'm stopped facing ahead and trying to figure out where do I go from here? Where do we go from here?.. And the question that I kept pleading out on the phone is repeating again, "Just tell me what you want.."

If you're going through hell, keep going.

"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost.
Doesn't mean I'll stop, doesn't mean I'll cross.
Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt.
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve..
No better and no worse..

I just got lost, with every river that I tried to cross.
Every door I ever tried was locked.
And I'm just waiting until the shine wears off."

I'm trying, I'm really trying, to keep on.
But I know that the ways I'm doing it are unhealthy.
I'm reminding myself that this isn't going to be forever, this pain, or what I want. That one day I'll get there. But it's so hard to keep moving.

Looking For Alaska

"Because you simply can't draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the band-aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved."

"I'm not going to be one of those people who sits around talking about what they're going to do or become. I'm just going to do it. Imagining the future is kind of nostalgia. You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how amazing it will be, and imagining the future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."

"Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the war."

"It's not about life or death, the labyrinth."
"So what is it?"
"Suffering." she said. "Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?"
"What's wrong?.."
"Nothings wrong. But there's always suffering pudge. Homework or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away. Suffering is universal and it's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about."
I opened my mouth again but this time not to speak, and she reached up and put a finger to my lips and said, "Shh. Shh. Don't ruin it."

You should love your crooked neighbour with your crooked heart.

Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

..."Ya'll smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die."

I found myself thinking about President William McKinley, the third American president to be assassinated. He lived for several days after he was shot, and toward the end, his wife started crying and screaming, "I want to go too. I want to go too." And with his last measure of strength, McKinley turned to her and spoke his last words: "We are all going."

There comes a time when we realize that our parents cannot save themselves or save us, that everyone who wades through time eventually gets dragged out to sea by the undertow- that, in short, "We are all going," McKinley said to his wife, and we sure are. There's your labyrinth of suffering. We are all going. Find your way out of that maze.

"Everything that comes together falls apart," the old man said. "Everything. The chair I'm sitting on. It was built, and so it will fall apart. I'm gonna fall apart, probably before this chair. And you're gonna fall apart. The cells and organs and systems that make you you- they came together, grew together, and so they must fall apart. The Buddha knew one thing science didn't prove for millennial after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."
It applies to turtles and turtle necks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did.

Because even memories fall apart, too. And then you're left with nothing, left not even with a ghost but with its shadow.

He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.
I would never know why she left, but not knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart.

I still think that sometimes, that maybe "the afterlife" is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled. But ultimately I do not believe she was only matter. The rest of her must get recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than just the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you still do not get her. There is something else entirely. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed.

...Energy is never created and never destroyed.

Forgetting her mother, failing her mother and her friends and herself- those are awful things, but those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it can't fail.

A cold comfort for change

I want to go back to that phone call. I want to take back taking those shots, and emptying those cups. Every little detail matters. But that doesn't mean it would change everything. I didn't understand you stopping, but I know you did love me. Every break up, every single time we ended my friends, my family, everybody important in my life would tell me to not go back, and I always did. Because when you'd get confused, and you'd give yourself space, you'd come back again and say you still love me, and I knew you meant it every time. I took us back every time because it wasn't dead. It did all mean something.. That no, we weren't perfect. But we were real.

I want you to know that every single thing I've written, said, or felt for you has been 100% real from the bottom of my heart. But that phone call, that night.. was me at my worst. It was an absolutely desperate, crying, scared, hopeless version of me. And the whole time I was making myself think of things that I ignored, things that I never objected to, things that I always pushed aside for us. I thought about nights when you were so unpredictable with what you would do, like Halloween night, when you wouldn't know what to do with how you felt, so you threw it at me. But it never led me to stop forgiving, or stop trusting.. I trusted you the same in our relationship, I trusted you the same as a person. But most of all I cared for you all the same. I stuck by my feelings for you no matter what we went through. I kept my love for you because it was too important to get away from me..

It's like I go through these outcomes and I try to make them as good as I can.. You broke up with me, but you still love me, that's okay. I'm okay. And then, You don't love me, but you're still with me, and that's okay. But when you don't love me, and when you don't need me, and when you're not with me, I'm not okay. And I know you're not coming back, and I know that I have to keep moving.. but I still carry you with me. That's the hard part. My feelings for you are still with me. And I'm okay with it.. What I felt for you was real, and what I feel for you is real, and I can't push it away on my own. The other night at work Cammisha said to me, "Not trying to stop your feelings for her is like knowing you have cancer and not fighting it. You have to find your cure." It gave me chills and it really got to me, but every single day I'm realizing that it has always been impossible for me to just stop. That I feel like walking away from something I can never get back. Maybe once this gets easier, once everything doesn't feel so heavy, it'll be easier to put those feelings in the past.. I know that one day it will be okay, I will be okay. But it's so hard to picture when you were always what made me okay.

I am so sorry for saying you didn't care.. Maybe disliking me makes it easier for you, and maybe even that will fade into nothing one day. But maybe we just don't understand each other anymore. What I always loved about you is you always told me that people are so often misunderstood, that their actions don't always define them enough.. That there's so much more behind what they do, what they say, what they are.. I badly want so much from you that I know I can't have, but all that I need from you isn't to understand me, or my feelings for you, or what I want, because I know that you can't do that anymore. I just want you to understand that I know you loved me.. I really do.. No matter what we went through, you couldn't have loved me better.. and to know that I have always loved you. Maybe that doesn't mean a whole lot to you but really, that means everything to me. Because everything we were, is all that I have left.