You don't have to be alone

"If it wasn't for my boyfriend, I'd still have all of my friends."

We left because of you. And I hope one day you learn to stop passing the blame over onto everyone else. I feel sorry for you, because I know you want your friends again more than anything. I should of never talked to you again. Because I know it completely messed with your heart. I do miss the fun we used to have together, so much. But I liked the things we did, and the places we went, all the things that made me happy, more than the base of our friendship itself. It was good. It was really good for a long time. But I know better. I know that anybody that can't feel love for themselves isn't going to be able to be the friend I need them to be. You drove me into hate, too. And it was ruining so many things around me. It's hard because, I don't want to be your friend, and you're trying so hard to make it like it used to be. Every day that I've re spent with you, the only words that came out of your mouth were negativity towards people that really care about you. And it wrapped me back to the beginning.. You never appreciated the things you had.

I hope you will let yourself hate me. Because I won't be the friend you want me to be, not again. I don't have any desire for it back. It's hard seeing the excitement in you when we're all around. Last night I knew how hard it was for you. I can say in your position, I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I couldn't believe the things they were saying to you. It's hard seeing you cry, and knowing how unhappy you are. If you think it's cruel that I push you away, when you need the opposite so badly, you have to remember I still have feelings. I am not heartless. Maybe this is a perfect time for you to for once, take care of yourself. Now that there's nobody else to worry about. I do have hope for you, and really, I do hope for the best. I want to see you happy. Last night, when you were in the same room as emilee I hope you saw it as a perfect chance to put everything that happened with her in the past. You have spent two years trying to let go. Do it now. Don't let yourself stay in this rut any longer. Run away while you can.

Fair was never a part of the game

'I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning with out you on my mind. So you're gone, and I'm haunted. And I bet that you're just fine.

Did I make it that easy to walk in and out of my life?'

Cammisha stayed at my house last night. And she listened to me. And for a while we sat in silence, because there wasn't much to say, but she was there. And I'm just happy about that. She fell asleep long before me. I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking. It made things a little easier when I woke up this morning to see my best friend across the room sleeping on the couch. In the morning we drove to school and it was silent. The whole time. When I was walking to class, she texted me.

"Last night I had a dream that we were at a bank and every man in front of us looked sketchy, looked like a robber, and we kept getting tense, and nervous, but each one would receive their money, and then walk away quietly. As we approached the counter the man who was standing behind us who looked completely normal, one we never were scared of. he pulled out a gun. we ducked down in front of him. In front of the counter. As he proceeded to rob the bank. Out of the whole group of people, the one we least expected to rob us, was the one who did."

She said, "It's weird finding messages in our dreams. It feels like our unconscious mind can completely spell out what our awake mind is trying to say."

And it's true that fear is the heart of love

Last night before a couple hours of tossing and turning. I read over our message one more time, and I fell asleep feeling better. Waking up was the hard part. Going through today was the hard part. But I keep fighting to remember that it's okay to feel like this. I don't have to pretend I'm okay. I don't have to push this away, at all. Because it's real, and it happened.

"I just want to know how do you let go of something you don't want to let go of, something that you thought you've always known."

"Why do you feel like you need to let go?"

"Because I don't think I get it back this time. I don't think I can go back anymore."

"there are a lot of questions I could ask, like if you love her, and if you feel like you need her...or if you feel like part of your happiness depends on her being around. it just depends. If you really feel like you need to let go, then do it. it's not about knowing how, it's about making a conscious decision to do it. a lot of people skip that step."

"It's really hard. Because I feel everything you described. I do feel like I need her. It hurts because she said "there's no reason for falling out of love, it just happens" She destroyed us, and I feel like next she will destroy me.
And I'm all I have left."

"michael, you're allowed to love her without being around her. it's just a different kind of love. love what you had and what could possibly come. keep positive thoughts. that really is so important...because the more you look at it as a bad thing, the more it will hurt, and harder it will be to move on. as important as I believe love is...the love for yourself is far more important. love yourself and let go if you really feel like it's what you need to do. take care of you right now."

And what helped me the most..
"do not be afraid of feeling lost or confused or scared.
because if you work it out in the end, it will only make it better.

but,
...Never be afraid of the things you love."

Dear Michael,

"I'm about to write you a meaningful letter to you, so when you're reading this, set your phone aside and enter a quiet room.. Let me list some of the things I love about you. I love how you randomly hug me throughout the day. We always act as if we haven't seen each other in a long time, when really it's only been a few days at the most. I love your smile. I love when you look me in the eyes. I even love the way you walk. There's something special and unique about everything you do. I love how sometimes when we kiss, you'll put your thumbs through the belt loops of my pants to pull me closer.

My favorite nights of the summer are the ones spent with you, doing things like eating Arbys, going to Blockbuster, and ending the night in bed talking.
I love who and how I am around you. I even notice a difference in my laugh whenever I'm with you. I love how the smallest things you do can bring me comfort, or make me want to lean over and kiss you. Like, when we're holding hands, and you'll lightly move your thumb over my hand. I may sound like a creep, but it's the little things like that, that I notice most.

I can't even imagine you doing all the things you do with me, with another girl. This may sound selfish, but I never want you to feel the way you do about me for anyone else. I know that I could never feel this way about anyone but you. Each and every time I see you, I fall more in love with you. I'm in love with you and all the things you do.

That one night when we were in my backyard with Jimmy and Pj, we ended up talking about who we'd end up marrying and I said, "I really wonder who I'll be married to later on." I secretly wanted you to get sad about that, or elbow me and hint towards how you wanted us to stay together in the future. During all that time, I could honestly picture our lives together, staying together.

Love,
Stephanie"