Children keep on dreamin'

I've gotten so used to being around my mom that it's really just a shock that she's not with me right now. I keep feeling like she's just out, and will be returning to David's sometime soon. She wasn't supposed to leave tonight. I was supposed to keep myself together when I said bye to her, because I hate her seeing me hurt. I hate seeing her hurt.

But it's hard to hold together your composure when you hear balling while she gives you a hug. It's hard hearing that without us, her kids, she feels like there's no other meaning in life. All of us lose a little bit of ourselves whenever we have to say goodbye to her, and the only time that piece comes back, is when we get to see her again. David really tried to keep it together. And he can keep a straight face, but red eyes give it all away. He needs her. He tries to keep it casual when he says "Oh yeah, come back anytime." and "Oh yeah I love you, have a safe trip home." But you can see how much he wants her to stay.

I miss her so much. I had one of the best talks with her this spring break while I was at her house. After dad called me telling me he found the things I wrote. After he told me everything I fear. You know what I'm talking about. For once, somebody understood why I did the things I've done the past few months. My mom told me that if you ever want change. Real change. You have to destroy everything in front of you. You have to reach the point where you're completely helpless and then find your greatest strengths to put yourself back together again.
At some point, we all have to hit rock bottom.
It felt so good being reckless.. Knowing that afterwards was going to be the greatest up rise. And it was. And it is. And it has been. I've truly tested myself. I've shown myself how much I can take.

Thank you for taking your eyes of worry off of me. Thank you for understanding.
I think about the next time I get to see you every single day.
You are the closest thing to me. You are the best thing that I have.

I love you, Mom.

Free fallin, fallin'

It's a really good feeling having my mom in town. I loved being in Idaho. It's such an escape. With no cell phone service, no computer, and no way of getting a hold of anybody, it's such a perfect time to do whatever "self repair" is needed.

And although it was only a week, I came back changed. Like always.

Today was so good. It started out with a cup of coffee, and a haircut. I loved today because for the first time in a long time, I saw David happy. And really happy. It felt so good having my car back. And I really loved going around town trying to find the perfect gift for David. I would've spent all of the money I had in my wallet on him, if I knew what else to get him. I went to dads for a little, and talked with him, and watched Susan talk to Dustin on Skype. Dad was on the boarder line of drunk. Dad never drinks. But it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. We're getting along so well. What I loved, was being able to walk away from the house, and drive to another house where my mom was. It felt unreal.

Saying, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Hearing, "It was nice to see you again."
Feeling like I was independent.
Hearing mom say, "I'll see you soon."
I'm not used to any of this.

And knowing that Mom, Walt, David, and Alyssa were waiting for me at Davids house with a freezer full of ice cream, and a DVD. Every one's asleep right now and I just want to go wake all of them up. My mom's still here, and I already miss her. I just wish it was always like this.

When every little thing fell through

I regret doing every thing that I did to help you out because you're unappreciative and ungrateful.

I don't know what else to say..

Every prayer inside I'm clinging to. A promise of a lifetime.

I woke up this morning to Susan standing in my doorway. I could only see the silhouette of her standing there. And she was saying my name repetitively until I gained consciousness.

And then she said everything you fear the most coming out of a parents mouth.
"Me and you need to talk some day soon. Because yesterday, seeing what happened, it really got to me. And I really don't want to see you going down the wrong road. I know everything that's going on. And I can't keep quiet about it anymore." Her goal of waking me up was successful. Because after she said that, I was wide awake.
She said, "I know about the nights you snuck the car out. Because when we shared the car I watched the mileage go up when it shouldn't of." I would talk and defend myself but I'm trying not too lie all the time anymore. "I know you drink because when you'd go out with friends for the night, the alcohol cabinet gained a little more space the next day." But I couldn't sit there in fear listening to her nail me down with everything I've done. I had to say something.

"I don't drink."
No more lying. I have to fess up.
"And I know when your dad thinks he's counting his money wrong, you're taking it."
She's so good. How does she figure this all out? He can't even put it together.
"I would not take his money."
That was the last lie.

"I'm worried about you, Michael."
"I'm fine."
The biggest lie of them all.

"And you'd think I told your dad about this all by now. But I haven't. And I won't."
And I was silent.. How has she kept quiet about this for so long? Why hasn't she used it against me when I've been so terrible? How did I sink so low?

"You know we both love you."
I've never heard her say she loves me. I guess she never thought that it was her place to say that since she's my step mom and all. She always avoids saying or doing anything that a mother figure would do, because she thinks it would make me upset. I still sat in bed in silence. Nervously ripping the fuzz off of the blanket wrapped around me.
"I just hope that after the funeral yesterday, you realized we all need to make some change."

And she's right..

"Love is eternal. Family is forever." - Sam Baltzer

Tonight Susan, my dad, Matthew, and I went to Beau Baltzers memorial service. And it was really hard. It was really touching. And it was very real more than anything else. It was so hard watching his family during the service. I didn't know him very well. But my brother Matthew at one point was close friends with him. Beau was out at our house a lot when him and my brother were friends. I don't remember it, but he was around.

I've grown up going to the same schools as Abbie. And we haven't really talked since eighth grade, but seeing her tonight hurt so much. Her words towards Beau were so heavy. So powerful. You could hear the pain in her voice. And the stories they told, made you feel like you've known Beau your whole life. I haven't cried as much as I did, in such a long time. At one point, Beau's brother Chris talked about how much we communicate through technology. We say it through texts, we say it through myspace, we say it through the phone. But we don't say "I love you" enough to the people that we really love. So he said, "Beau, let me say it to you face to face. I love you."

And chills ran through me.

All the pictures that were displayed, all the songs that were played, all the words that were said, meant so much. The room was packed full of people that Beau has made an impact on. Even when all the seats were filled, any empty spots were covered with more people sitting on the floor. Every single person in there, was there for him. And you could feel the love. I wish he knew he was cared for. I wish he knew he wasn't alone..

It's really scary how fast things like this happen.
And I can't imagine how hard it would be to experience a loss like that.
To lose somebody that amazing. But he will always be remembered. And he went down with such a great reputation attached to him.

Stay strong, Baltzer family.
And Rest In Peace, Beau.