I know, I haven't posted anything in here for a while. It's almost as if I've had writers block lately. I can't put all of my thoughts into words. It's actually sort of upsetting.

Tonight was really great. Here, I'll describe it for you. I was sitting down in the basement, and I was talking with Lauren. And I hadn't talked to her in a long time. And while we were talking I realized how wise she is. And I started to think about what I'm going to be like when I'm her age. And she asked me "how's life?" and I really couldn't even put it into words. Maybe she asked "what's new?" I don't know.

Every thing's just so great. And I told her that. And I told her that I think I'm worried I'm just making conclusions too fast. And I can't really explain what I mean by that. But I think once again, I'm starting to fear unhappiness too much. I mean, why don't I just enjoy this? Being so content. And she told me "Because you're afraid you're going to lose it." I realized that, and I knew that. I just didn't know what to say back.

We started talking about my friends. And I talked about ones I don't know anymore. And we talked about ones I'm afraid of losing. And we talked about ones that are so good for me. And we talked about ones that are bad news. And I told her I consider myself a good friend. I just easily get upset with people, which I'm trying to change. And I told her how attached I get. And surprisingly enough, that's normal. I didn't think it was. I thought I was just really clingy or something. I guess people just don't show it. I know that I don't show it.

An hour had probably gone by and we still had so much to talk about. We were laughing at everything, and cracking jokes about some of the things I do. And it really put me in a good mood. I love conversations like those. I love people that have the ability to keep a serious conversation going, without it being awkward. And I love it when people throw their real opinions of me, towards me. I really like knowing them. Whether they're bad, or good. They're just nice to hear.

I loved tonight.

I'm sorry

About all of my stupid, immature posts below

And I'm sorry about all this nonsense that I've been writing about.
I'm sick of always repeating the same things on here. Complaining about the same things that I cannot change. I'm done. So here's a new start, to writing about things I haven't written about. Writing about things that I actually want to write about.

Today my mom talked to me about how worrying gets me no where.
And she told me to not let everything get to me. And she told me to stop putting so much thought into everything that happens. It's true. I put SO much thought into everything that happens. I over-think every single situation that happens. Idk if that's a good thing.

I don't know. I'm gonna stick to what she said.

She also told me I'm so good at reading people, and understanding people, and how I should work with people when I'm older. I just laughed. But it's true. I really do know how to read people well.

ANYWAYS

Ignore all the posts where I wasted my time typiing about them. I'm going to talk about things that are actually important. Good thtings.

Everything is going really great right now. I think this weekend should be really good. Even though I'm not allowed to stay the night anywhere. Today should be good, tomorrow night should be great, I have no clue what I'm doing Sunday. I miss hanging out with Nick. I hungout with him in the library this morning.

OH! I've been working with my dad lately to save up money so I can buy my camera. Since mine is broken and all. I really need to stop breaking camera's. I didn't spend my lunch money all week so it can go towards my camera. Yesterday was a half day. Today's a half day. Yesterday was so much fun. It's always fun at Jacob's house.

Okay well I guess I should get back to "working" in photoshop
too bad all of my work is done and I have nothing else to do besides blog, and myspace.

GOODBYE

THE LAST POST

THAT LAST POST WASN'T DIRECTED TOWARDS YOU

Even though the thing you wrote on your page sort of made me upset
(Me being number five)

I know you're just trying to look out for me. But I don't like that you're making assumptions! I like how good you are to me! You're a really great friend. But I mean, I really don't want you saying what's GOING to happen to me. You don't know what's going to happen to me. I love you to death. And I miss being close with you. I miss our friendship. But please. Stop. I know you're basing it off the mistakes that you've made. And I know you're just being a good friend, and caring. But REALLY assumptions are not good. I want to have a talk with you. I miss you a lot!

It's getting on my last nerve

How you guys think you have me so figured out. How you think my life is just going to all come crashing down. And how you think my friends are just going to turn on me and leave me behind. I'm sick of hearing how much I'm going to miss you guys. I'm sick of hearing how I'm with the 'wrong crowd'

Since when has the right crowd been people that lower your self esteem, make fun of you, never support you, and call you ugly? Don't deny any of that. Since that's all you guys really do. Deny things. You know what? Ignore all that. The thing that bugs me the most is that you guys think you know me SO well. And you think you know exactly how things are going for me. You have no idea. I've been so happy this year. I wish you just weren't in the picture. I wish you'd stop trying to ruin my happiness. I could tell you guys "You're all going to get sick of each other's fake personalities, and constant back and fourth insults" but that's not going to help anything. Because I'm sure you guys are happy right now too. The thing I don't understand is, if I'm not in you're life anymore, why the hell are you trying to tell me what mine is going to turn out like. I'm sick of hearing your assumptions. I'm sick of you guys and making 'big deals'

You guys have pulled through for me so many times. And you guys have been there for me so many times. And at this point I really don't know what I want from you. Every single day I think about what I've lost. And every single day I think about what I'm gaining. Just hearing you guys talk sometimes makes me feel sick. You're still exactly the same. So dramatic. So, I don't know. Just so the same. I keep bouncing back from strong to weak. I want you guys back in my life so bad. But at the same time, I just want you guys out of my head. I don't want to have to deal with you anymore. I wish the good days were back. I wish I actually meant something to you guys when I was around. I wish that I didn't have to be in this situation right now.

I think I should stick with my view towards you right now. Actually, I don't know what my view is towards you guys right now. You were good for me, you were bad for me. You put me through the best, and you put me through the worst. I've lost you guys. You guys have lost me. And I don't think we can get this back. I don't know if we want this back. I don't know if we know what we want.

All I want is for you guys to stop making assumptions.
And I want you guys to stop talking about me.
And I want us all to be OKAY. Even if we aren't friends. And I want to know why you guys care about what I do, if you don't care about me anymore.

I can't even explain myself or how I feel about you guys.
You are the most difficult group I have ever came across in my life.
Now go call each other up and laugh about this whole post! I'm sure you will.

I really can't believe this is happening.
I really wish this wasn't happening.

I wish I could enjoy the friends, and the life I have now, with out you guys interrupting. My god I'm so back and fourth with you. All the good times are coming back to me tonight. And it's the hardest thing ever. But then I think about the bad times. Like the day before I left for Idaho, oh god, lets not get into that. But I remember when you guys called me and told me you missed me. And I felt so happy, so wanted. I don't know what I'm trying to say in this post. I know you never wanted to hear me say this, but I miss you guys. I'm done denying it. But I don't think I can put up with you anymore. I'm like a god damn broken record. I keep saying the same things. I'm done.