I have been here before

Nothing is ever natural or genuine anymore.

I just don't want happiness to be something that I have to fight for.
Half of my head is always trying to think positive.
And that half of my head is just pissing me off lately.

I miss the still of the silence

I want to go back to all of the times that I let go of what I had because I was unsure of what I wanted, I was never willing to push through for what needed to be held on to. Oh, if only I could show each one of you how much I've grown. How amazing of a person I've become..

It was hard sitting a couple feet away from you guys yesterday
And it's still hard seeing you guys every day
I know that forgetting is what's best, but it's a really hard thing to do

There are so many people that I miss having around

Like a haunting melody

More than anything, I just want something, just one thing to be what it's made up to be. Give me something that is actually what it looks like it is. Because I keep looking at everything around me lately and realizing the things I build up to be what I really want, end up turning into something so different. I'm really sick of having to dig so deep into everyone and everything to get a small ounce of answers. It's always little things that should be straight forward, and should be easy to figure out, that take all of my energy. Things that can be easily solved or avoided. I'm constantly asking myself, and everyone around me,
"Why does this need to be made into a problem?"
Why can't we all just pick and chose what we let get to our head?
And what we react to.

Everybody keeps contradicting the things I believe.
I keep finding things that prove to me, as much as I think I have things figured out, I can be so clueless sometimes.. And I'm starting to feel like I have so much control over myself, but none over everyone else.

I've been having a lot of mixed thoughts this week.
Just about everyone I know, comes to me with their problems. I consider that my gift, but I also see it as my curse.

Sometimes I just want to feel appreciated. And really appreciated.
Get the credit I deserve. Give myself more credit.
I guess I just have a hard time giving advice and watching people follow it oppositely. I know that people have to do things on their own, make their own decisions, their own mistakes. But at least keep in mind the things that were talked about with me. I just don't want my words to go to waste.

I will never one, two, three, forget

I remember once, Justin told me he didn't understand why people would get upset when they'd assume someone is using them. And he said, he doesn't care if people use him. When I asked him to explain he said "Because, who ever is using me, is using me because in some way, I'm an advantage towards them." He said, "We're all using eachother for our own advantages." And that makes sense. "As long as I'm needed by them in some way, then I'm okay. And when we lose friends, it's because we ran out of things to give."

Despite what we call it, love, friendship, whatever, we're all just using each other. And that's not a bad thing. People use you for their benefits. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways. You bring something into their life. They need you for some reason. And obviously, they give you advantages, otherwise you wouldn't keep them around.

He said, "I say it's okay to use me because, who doesn't want to be needed?"

And your vicious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine

Dad, don't you see I'm too happy to react right now?
I just got hired. For my first job. This is all you've wanted from me, all year.
I could feel how proud everyone was. Except for you.
I'm so happy with myself. I tried so hard to get hired. It paid off.

When we're not even talking, you start conversation with me to bring up what punishments you came up with for me. When there's not tension, you make some.
When you don't know what to be mad at, you turn to me.

Things have been perfect ever since spring break. And I wanna keep it like that. So I'm not going to react. You're not going to disrupt the positive thinking I've had going on, because that's all that keeps me motivated. It's been putting so many things together in my life. And I know, for sure, it is making me a better, happier, stronger, smarter person.

Me and you.
We're funny.
You take, and I give.
You give, and I take.
We yell, but we love.
I lie, you deny. We forgive, and we forget.

This has become such a cycle. How could I not treat it normally?
I accept your punishments. I didn't before. I do now.
If this is what you have to do, this is what you have to do.

Tonight I handed him all the things he decided to take away, including my car keys,
and asked, "Anything else?"