All of my advances were shut down in the end

I feel cursed.
And it's the curse of falling in with the wrong people, at the wrong time.

I've held back so many words. And I've shrugged off a lot. But right now, I'm just angry. I don't know how to react anymore. I hate that if I do react it creates some huge problem. If I do say something though, it can't get turned around on me. There is no way I could be involved in any of this. So I'm going to try.

I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut.
And more than that, I'm tired of watching you keep yours shut too.

Tonight this road home feels a little longer

If I could do anything for anybody, if I could hand over a better life to anyone, it would be my brother. I would make my brother happy.

I don't think you understand how much we all worry.
I keep thinking about that night, and the things you said, and the text messages you sent. And I hope I never feel that feeling again. I can't even explain how scared I was. I was willing to stay out all night looking for you with Alyssa.

I don't think you realize how much fear was put into me after that night. The fear of losing you is unbearably painful to think about. And every time I hear something is wrong, that feeling comes back. And each time it feels worse. Sometimes I get so frustrated when I stop and look at what you do to us. Because at times, it's selfish. But other times I don't think you realize at all what you're doing. And I know you don't have control over it.

I just want to know what's going on.
Mom thinks you hate her. She calls daily, and she's been doing it for weeks. And she gets the voicemail each time. Apparently she couldn't hold back from crying on the last voicemail she left you. And when dad called, all you could say was "Things just aren't good" That doesn't tell me enough. I need to know that you're going to be okay. I know you and Alyssa aren't doing good, and I don't know what you'd do if you lost her.

I wish you didn't have this mental sickness.
I wish you didn't have to take all of those pills, every god damn day.
I wish you didn't hurt all the time.

And most of all, I really wish you'd accept our love.

Come to your senses

They say, watch out for him. He'll take you and make you into a concept.
A lesson taught, a story to tell, a memory to reminisce on.
A piece of absolute nothingness.

I really just want everyone to stay.

I'm just here to learn and to love.

Untitled

I know it seems like I don't care. And I know I flake out all the time.
But I think it's just because I don't want to let you down.

I really really miss you. And every time I say something like, "Lets go to lunch this week" I actually do want to. But it never happens. Neither of us make it happen. The other day I was going through some of my old comments on myspace, and there were so many pages that were all you on there. I remember how excited I was to start being friends with you. I remember when I first added you on myspace, you had a song by Brand New. And then I remember stealing all of your music. And I remember finding the song "Reinventing Your Exit" because of you and always listening to it. And still every time I listen to anything by Placebo, you're the first thing that comes to mind.

I think about winter when I think about when we started being friends. I remember going downtown, chai tea, going to your house, texting all the time, and getting in trouble all the time for laughing at everything and everyone in science class and english class.

I liked it when I knew you before everyone else did.
Before they dragged you to all their parties.
And before they all complained to you whenever you'd hang out with me.
You used to always make fun of my friends and tell me how stupid they were. And you'd tell me how they're not good to me. I always doubted you, but you were right. Even though you never completely got to know me, I think you can predict me better than a lot of people. I think you always knew what was best for me.

Japanese Gum

"And this is what she sang,

I just want every one I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself

And he said,

It's not like I am weak
Or that I don't know how to leave
It's just that every time you cheat
You bring me closer to defeat

Until there's nothing left to love
Until there's nothing left to say
I know that you need help
But even I can't save you from yourself"