A stereo and a pile of cassettes

"Your love in a car
and you promised her every thing
not knowing what every thing really was
She's the first girl you kissed
She's the first girl you miss
when you're feeling like this

broke and in the dark

Her hair was a setting sun
her mascara was born to run
you got scared when she started to show
one more thing you'll have to let go"

It's like it's all we have

'So I'll run away to the hopes that I have
but still I fall asleep in the arms of my past
and when I wake so helpless and thinking of that, just lay back down again

every day'

May 14th 1992

One thing I try to avoid ever feeling is insecurity. Most of the time, I love myself exactly the way I am. I do care about looking good. And I do it for myself only. Everything I buy, everything I wear, is because it's what I like. I've grown and I've fixed the things I've always wanted to change, and learned to love the things that I can't change.

I try to remember, there is no such thing as ugly.

My mom was on a lot of medication for her migraines after she had my two brothers. I was not a planned baby. It was actually really rare that I was born in the first place. Technically, she was in a place where having a child was a very little chance. When she found out she was having me, she had to go through genetic therapy, or birth therapy. She became dependent on the medication the doctors put her on and when she found out she was pregnant, she had to be taken off of all of the medications at once and left with the pain. But still, she was pregnant with me, and the medication was taken before she even knew I existed. They told her I was going to be born with birth defects. Which is why the therapy was needed in the first place. They said there was a high chance I was going to be born without a jaw bone and with out arms below the elbows. Or, just no elbows. When I was born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and they were fighting to keep my alive. My mom said it was the scariest feeling in the world not knowing if I would make it or not. I was born with a perfect face. Jaw bone, and all. Of course, she knew that before, from the ex rays. But she said when she saw me, she knew I was such a miracle baby.

I am grateful for the way I turned out. And for the fact that I'm alive.
I don't feel insecurity anymore because I know that I am meant to be here and that I am meant to be this way. I'm happy to have a mother that loves me, and that I know how to love myself.

When all the years broke down, and the truth opened up

This weekend Justin came into town. I spent my summer staying on the go, and staying busy, and pressing "Ignore" every single time he called. And not because I didn't want to talk to him. I did.. Because he's my best friend. But I was scared. We both moved at the exact same time, from the same neighborhood. He moved to Cottage Grove. I moved to Coburg. And from freshman year until now we had only seen each other one time. At one point I decided I was ready to put mine and his friendship in the past. I felt like I spent too many years wanting it back.

I answered his call this time. And he said he was staying at his Aunt Hollys. Their house used to be mine, too. In a way. I was always there. Or he was always at mine. It was rare that we ever had a day apart. Everyone knew we were best friends. And it always shocked everyone, because of how "opposite" we are. Even though we completely balanced each other out. I didn't hesitate on saying yes to coming over. But I did pull over just to gather my strength to keep pushing on my gas peddle to get to his house. And I kept thinking, "Why is this so hard for me?.." I was scared of what it was going to be like. I was scared because whenever we'd text, I never even understood what he was saying. I didn't know what he was like now. He doesn't know what I'm like now.

We walked to the park. One we used to always go to when we were younger.
He told me about the place he was sent, for troubled teens. And I asked why he was sent there.

"Get this. I was beat up. Really bad. They slammed my head into a fucking pole." I had noticed the scar tissue on his face that went deep into his cut right above his eye. "And after that, I started to feel crazy. I thought for some reason everyone was reconstructing their faces over the summer before they went back to school and felt like I had to reconstruct mine."

...

"And then I didn't think my mom was my mom."
"Justin.. why.."
"I don't know! I thought it was somebody else in her body. She was saying things all weird, and shit. I told her to get out of my house and started throwing things at her. Nobody around me felt real anymore. So she called my uncle to come pick me up, and then he takes me to this place and tells me that I need to get help or whatever"

I didn't feel scared anymore. For a second I thought, "God. He's insane now." But I realized Justin has always been different. He said, "So I was sent to this place. Where all you do is stay in a room with another crazy person. You eat. You sleep. And then you do it again. We did these activities to gain points and to better our selves. I left there with hella points and a couple bottles full of medication. Multiple pills that I have to take every night to balance out the chemicals in my brain."

Later that night we sat out on the back porch. We were smoking from this really big hookah that Kayla has. We were out there for about three hours. It was freezing. All the neighbors around his house were having parties because the football game had just ended. There was multiple genres of music playing around us from each house. We talked about a lot. I got him caught up on a lot that has happened to me, and it felt like he didn't have much to catch me up on at all. He remembered so many things that I forgot about. I told him that surprised me, and he said, "Well it's because it's all I have to look back on. Our younger lives. The past three years all I've done is sit around at home, and smoke cigarettes. There's nothing else to do in that town. I don't have any friends. You're my only friend." And even though I do the same, I'm just so glad he still considers me his friend. He adds on, "We've always been best friends, you know?" I pointed out were still exactly the same. I said I always pictured graduating with him in my class. I always pictured being on Luella street. He lit another cigarette, "It's funny how things end up, huh?" Just about every couple hours he'd say, "I really like hanging out with you again. We need to more often." I'd always just say, "Yeah, I know."

That night we went to Taco Bell and bought a bunch food. We came home and watched music videos. Kayla was showing me the new tattoo she just got. Kayla used to feel like my sister, too. His other sister Hannah had just gotten back from a concert and was so excited, showing me pictures of her meeting the lead singer. And I felt like I hopped right back into all of their lives at such a random time. But it was like I was never gone at all. I felt like I was back with my family and the only thing that was different about them was the way they looked. I fell asleep in the same room as all of them and at one point woke up and felt so.. good. Looking around. All of them spread out on the floor and the couches. I know that some things, just don't come back. That nights like these, nights that used to happen over and over again, narrow down to every once in a while. Every couple months. Every other year. Sometimes they never happen again. I tried to hold onto that feeling. I was hoping maybe I could change that. Maybe since I have a car now, I can go pick Justin up more often.

The next day during my break at work, I drove him home. On the way I asked him when he'll be coming back again. He said, "Probably in a couple months." When I expected a couple weeks. I asked him if I picked him up, would he be able to. He said his dad will probably say no. We got to his house and I wished we hadn't. I didn't want to picture my passenger seat being empty again. He thanked me for the ride and we "pounded fists" before he got out. He said he'd text me.

I already really miss Justin and I'm not sure when I'll see him next.
But I know, and he knows, that our friendship will always be one that can never be forgotten, broken, or changed. I will never forget that night.

Katrina

Tonight I worked my last shift with her before she leaves for California.

The whole way home I cried. She's one of the only people I've ever met that genuinely cares about somebody before she even knows them. For this first month of my senior year, I sometimes felt like she was my only best friend I would talk to at the end of my day. She was who I spent my weekend nights with from four until ten. She made me feel important when I told her things that everyone else would see as unimportant. She really rubs off on people. She really gets people attached. I'd see her friends, or people that know her, come into the restaurant all the time, and they'd be talking with her, and laughing, and she always knew what to say. She always was good with anything on the spot, and then she'd get busy, and have to walk away and they'd still be there and you could see that they just wanted to her to come right back.

She taught me to drop things that shouldn't stay in my head too long.
She made me laugh my real laugh.

I learned a lot about people and myself because of her.
She has changed me in so many ways.

It's hard letting go. Especially with people like Katrina.
She will always be such a big part of me.