Monday, July 27, 2009

Crawling out of my skin

Fuck, I know I just feel like this in phases,
and I know things jump all around - from good, to bad.

But right now, absolutely nothing feels the same. I don't feel the same.

And I don't have anything to prove to me that it's going to be okay.
I'm going home tomorrow, and he's already trying to ruin the one thing I've been looking forward to the most all summer. The one thing that would make everything feel okay.

I know that sometimes you have to give in to win.
I know that's what I have to do.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you

I'm home sick. And I shouldn't be. I love it here at my brothers. Today he made me a house key and told me I'm welcome to stay here as long as I want.

"Our house is your house."

I won't forget this, Dad.

I hate it that it wouldn't feel right if I were in my own home. I hate it so much that I don't feel welcome there anymore. Hell, even if I wanted to go into the house, I'd have to knock to get in since you keep the doors locked and took away my key. I bring out the worst in you. While you were taking apart my car engine I stopped and watched. And I laughed. And I know that's what set you off. When we were in each others faces screaming, we both just wanted to back down. I could see the pain in your eyes.

"I hate this." And I push my arms into you.
"I hate hating you. I don't want to hate you anymore." My voice was straining. And my yell started to turn into a normal tone. But yours was still so aggressive. You looked me right in the eyes as you yelled the worst things a dad could say to his son.

"I don't care what you want, or don't want. I don't love you anymore."
And then you tried to think of what else would tear me down the most, but your words just turned into stuttering.
"I don't. I don't want. I don't love you anymore."
And it hurt so much. Not just because of what it meant. But the fact that I brought you to the point where you couldn't hold back those words from coming out.

And my head started to spin. And my hands started to shake. And I felt nothing.

"I don't love you anymore."

I got picked up from the house not knowing where I was going to stay that night. I had no way of getting around that whole night. And you made it clear that you didn't want me around, anymore. You didn't care if I was out on the streets. I still feel like I shouldn't come back. Like you really don't want me back. Yet the whole time I've been gone, every night at 9:00 you send a text saying, "I love you, goodnight." It gives me guilt that I really don't know how to deal with. You make me feel so many things at once and it's overwhelming. I miss you. I hate knowing that you're all alone at the house right now, while Susan's in California. I wish I could of come home and told you about my promotion at work and told you how much I love it. Cause I know that would make you proud. I haven't had an appetite the past few days, I've slept a total of a couple hours, and haven't even wanted to leave the house. I know you didn't mean what you said. But I'm not sure how to get it out of my mind.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Some tollerance. Some Safety.

"I don't see anything I don't like about you."
"But you will! You will.. and I'll get bored with you, and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.."

feeling so secure




and it feels so good to say

Saturday, July 18, 2009

"Tell me that you know another way to get it done
It’s not me or how I would be, but it’s a different situation, a different situation.
you lay awake in the night just staring at the ceiling above
pulling pieces of it out is such a waste of time
keep on fighting to remember that nothings really lost in the end

when you burn burn burn your life down

Get me to the door, out of bed, on the track, I’m not sure.
Starting over. It’s a different situation a different situation.
You wake up in the night and refuse to be afraid of it now.
Unfolding pieces of it faster don’t you waste your time.
You’ve been planning to remember this, so nothing will be lost in the end.

And you burn burn burn your life down
And you burn burn burn your life down"

Friday, July 17, 2009

"Eternity will never be enough for me

...And eternally will live our infallible love"

I can't even explain the anxiety I get when I know you're mad at me.
It's impossible to put a word on the feeling that runs through me when we're fighting. It's something I've never felt before. It's a fear I've experienced.

And it leaves so fast with one, "I love you."

You have a hold of a part of me that nobody else can seem to find or keep a grasp on. You bring out so many feelings in me I've never felt before. I think the most important part of loving somebody is keeping the love alive. Never letting that feeling die. I want to keep finding ways to keep us alive, with you. I want to feel more that I've never felt before.

"I want to just stay away from you now. cause from here on youre most likely going to hurt me even more. and thats really hard to say. I see you as the most careless person. I dont think I can really say know you at all, anymore. Its sort of hard to watch you sometimes. cause you can have everything going for you and then you just tear it all down and I don't know why you do it.

"Its not like you were my life. Its not like Im tearing down everything going for me by doing this. Im breaking up with you because I lost feelings. they're gone. It's gone. And its not like Ive changed. you still know me. dont say you dont. thats ridiculous. but yeah good idea. sure. Ill stay away from you too. because most likely I will hurt you again, because Im so unsure of my feelings. this whole time talking to you all I wanted to say is I love you. why is that? I dont know. I dont trust myself. so until I do, if you still want something to do with me, then bye. cause I cant take this."

You don't know this. But what you told me tonight was a lot bigger of a deal to me than I made it seem. It made me feel close to how I felt when we had that conversation.

Every time I fear us going back to that I remember how much we have fought to keep this alive. Us alive. Because then, it sounded like it was over. And that was it. That was when I could never see you. That was when our only communication was through keyboards and home phones. And that went on for nine months. It's been eleven months now, and I still love you. And you still love me. We kept it strong through countless break ups. I know we'll stay strong through anything.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

An ounce of peace is all I want for you

I love you for all that you've put into me.
I love you for never giving up.

"In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You made me compliment myself when it was way to hard to take"

I know being strong means never losing your self control

I never really have the fear of not having anybody to turn to.
It's the fear of having everybody to turn to, but nobody being able to help me.
Mostly the fear or having to turn to people to save me.

I don't ever want to lose faith in the strength that's inside of me.

What I fear the most, is falling so low that I can't even help myself.

Monday, July 13, 2009

And when your walls come crumbling down

...I will always be around

Sunriver was the best weekend I've had with my family.
I miss having us all in one house together.
I can't even explain how much I love them. Our happiness together is so real.

If anything, what I learned from these five days the most, is Matthew will always be the center of everything in our family. I can't explain how many times I heard him say, "Michael, take a picture." And there it is. A group family picture with everybody except me. Matthew right in the middle. I really thought after 23 years maturity would kick in with him, but it still hasn't. And I still don't care. I still love him all the same. He will always be my dads favorite. He will always make fun of me and then ask me to do him a favor. And I'll always do it. And that's how our relationship is. It doesn't end, or change. But it stays. And that's all I need.

Last night was our last night in Sunriver. Matthew drinks before the night even started. Matthew drinks so much. I drove him and Tyler around to every bar they wanted to go to. I'd drop them at the bar, go back to the Cabin. Go get them, take them to another bar, go back to the cabin. And at the end of the night drove them around so they could listen to Matthews music as I drive Matthews car. Tyler snaps pictures of Matthew drinking Matthews beers. On Matthews birthday spent drunk in the passenger seat. Tyler sticks his head out the sunroof as they sing to some Kid Rock song. And I was laughing, because the whole thing was so hilarious. I enjoyed that moment with my brother. I didn't care how annoying they were. I didn't care how tired I was. I was doing exactly what I wanted for so many years, spending time with my brother. It still hurts seeing him hung up on Amanda. I know they were yelling the lyrics to all of the songs, but the part when he yelled, "I was off to drink you away." Sounded like it hit home the most. I heard his voice strain so much more. We pulled up to the house and he complains about how I'm driving too slow. I accidentally put it in reverse instead of park and he calls me an idiot. I say, "Shut the hell up." and he told me to never say that to him again. He steals my bed in the Cabin and makes me sleep on the couch. And not once said thank you for taking him everywhere.

And the next day I text him to tell him sorry for getting mad. I meant it.
He doesn't do the same and apologize, he just texts back saying it's okay.

That is how our family works with him.
That is the way I love my brother.

Happy 23rd, Matthew. I love being your brother and love being your designated driver. I don't care that you're an ass to me, because at least you throw in a few laughs for me in between all of my anger. At least I know in the end you always care.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

After the fourth of July I'm ready to be done.
I never want to go back to feeling like that again. I made a best friend cry. I made my girlfriend leave. Bryant and I throwing punches at each other for no reason. My body bruised. My clothes destroyed.

Sydney, I'm sorry for being the first to bring you to all of those parties. And then bringing up things that happened at them that you wanted no one to know about. Something terrible came along with every single one we went to. And I will never forget the nights in my car where you were crying and telling me everything that you held back for so long. The alcohol brought out the worst in us.

Blurs are my memories from the night.
Sitting up in the tent and feeling the whole thing spin.
All of a sudden being outside, throwing up in the grass.
Hardly being able to focus my eyes on one thing. Or breathe.

Waking up and dealing with the consequences and the dirty looks the next morning.. Looking through my phone and seeing that there were text messages I sent to my dad. The night never really ends. It carries on to the next day, and the next, and the next. Last night I walked through Coburg at 1:00 in the morning talking with Steph on the phone and trying to convince her that I'm done and that I'm sorry. And I can't explain the feeling I get when I fear I'm losing her. Or the feeling I get hearing her cry and knowing I'm the reason.

I'm sorry for kissing you and then walking back to the bottle.
For not taking you home when I should of. For my friends making your brother, and you so uncomfortable.

It's come to the point where I have to gain back your trust.
And basically have to show a different side of myself to everyone that cares.
Today I'm going pay him for the half gallon he bought us.
And today I'm going to tell him I'm not buying from him anymore.

Monday, July 6, 2009

We pulled too many false alarms

You put happiness, love, and fear into me all at the same time.

I want to be able to love you with out the fear of losing you.
I wanna be able to know your ways, but I don't want to wait or predict on what you're going to do next.

I don't always want to take every little thing you do to heart.
Because it makes me a wreck.

You're perfect for me.
I just want to stop guessing if I am for you.