If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you

I'm home sick. And I shouldn't be. I love it here at my brothers. Today he made me a house key and told me I'm welcome to stay here as long as I want.

"Our house is your house."

I won't forget this, Dad.

I hate it that it wouldn't feel right if I were in my own home. I hate it so much that I don't feel welcome there anymore. Hell, even if I wanted to go into the house, I'd have to knock to get in since you keep the doors locked and took away my key. I bring out the worst in you. While you were taking apart my car engine I stopped and watched. And I laughed. And I know that's what set you off. When we were in each others faces screaming, we both just wanted to back down. I could see the pain in your eyes.

"I hate this." And I push my arms into you.
"I hate hating you. I don't want to hate you anymore." My voice was straining. And my yell started to turn into a normal tone. But yours was still so aggressive. You looked me right in the eyes as you yelled the worst things a dad could say to his son.

"I don't care what you want, or don't want. I don't love you anymore."
And then you tried to think of what else would tear me down the most, but your words just turned into stuttering.
"I don't. I don't want. I don't love you anymore."
And it hurt so much. Not just because of what it meant. But the fact that I brought you to the point where you couldn't hold back those words from coming out.

And my head started to spin. And my hands started to shake. And I felt nothing.

"I don't love you anymore."

I got picked up from the house not knowing where I was going to stay that night. I had no way of getting around that whole night. And you made it clear that you didn't want me around, anymore. You didn't care if I was out on the streets. I still feel like I shouldn't come back. Like you really don't want me back. Yet the whole time I've been gone, every night at 9:00 you send a text saying, "I love you, goodnight." It gives me guilt that I really don't know how to deal with. You make me feel so many things at once and it's overwhelming. I miss you. I hate knowing that you're all alone at the house right now, while Susan's in California. I wish I could of come home and told you about my promotion at work and told you how much I love it. Cause I know that would make you proud. I haven't had an appetite the past few days, I've slept a total of a couple hours, and haven't even wanted to leave the house. I know you didn't mean what you said. But I'm not sure how to get it out of my mind.