A simple plan for life is change, find yourself the nicest range, then you see the light...

I spend more time running around on my own lately, and staying at my parents house simply because I'm not as interested in some of the friends or the lifestyle I'm around now or have been around for too many years. It's okay to be bored, or to want something new, or to not stay with something just because it's all you've got at the time. I remember living by the day, and I remember being with people who didn't complain so much about who or what they don't have, what they don't want. We were already happy and entertained with each other. We didn't bring people in and out that we had no interest in, just so we had people around. We didn't get thrills off conflict, or carefully work around each others feelings so we don't offend. Where we didn't move at a slower pace cause we weren't busy reflecting back on things that have happened. It never had to feel so forced just to enjoy ourselves and we didn't worry so much about representing ourselves or our pride the wrong way, because we didn't take ourselves so seriously all the time.

I'd rather walk out on my own, than settle for what doesn't make me happy.

As long as I can stay focused and happy going towards what I do want, I believe I'll get settled in on something I feel more than right with. I don't think it's that I'm never pleased. I just want the best for myself. Sometimes you can't have it all at once, but there shouldn't be so many acceptations... What I desire is what I deserve.

I think it's safe to say that my biggest problem has always been I don't let myself completely pursue, enjoy, or even think about something until I know it's the right decision, or if it fits for someone else.

I think at some point I lost trust in my life. And I tried to take control of almost every aspect. Manufacturing it so I would never have to come across something that would bring me back to this emotionally vulnerable person I have been constantly trying to forget existed. Being shielded makes you feel like you have something to look out for. Instead of having faith in myself, I tried to keep myself in line. I don't believe that's living.

It's exhausting to work around other peoples feelings before you handle your own. And I think that truly has continued to batter me down as a person. It's scary to think that being too selfish might leave you alone. Do I really have to worry about that? Doing good for me has been my main focus lately. It's really easy to get wrapped up in perspectives. All of a sudden you're watching yourself through every eye in the room. I try to remember to always make myself the most comfortable everywhere I go, and comfort will surround me back. It proves every time. That confidence in yourself is the most important thing you can conquer. It can get you anywhere.

I give myself as my second option, it makes it so easy to find my way out. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm happier without people. I think I do have weaknesses in the form of friends. I think I always have. I have a lot of people that doubt me. But criticism scares me and moves me. There's people who are really just trying to push the best out of me, and people who are trying to point out the worst. It's getting a lot easier to pick and chose what's good for me and what's not. But sometimes it's hard to narrow it down... what you really prefer, what's really a problem, and what's worth waiting out.

Before Cammisha left for Portland we drove around for about an hour in my car talking about this and that, but mostly our living situations. She said she was afraid of what I was going to become without her. She said, "I think there's a lot of people in your life that don't see the beauty in the person you really are." I disagreed because I had a lot of people who loved what I was. But it took me a while to figure out that I wasn't always being real with myself. It's hard to get respect for the person you are, when you don't know who you're even being. That sounds so stupid, but I've spent a lot of time trying to make myself a perfect match for everybody I'm faced with. I'm gifted with it. But it became much more than just a habit. The more I pretended, the more I drew in things and people that I didn't want. I'm done dimming myself down for any negativity in somebody else. We are all fixated on what we want, and I don't think you should ever try to change somebodys mind.

I finally have trust back in my life and in my instinct.
If I ever thought that it isn't possible to be happy with yourself if at all moments somebody else isn't, I was so wrong.

"When are you happy?"
"Maybe I give off the impression that I'm never happy."

"I'm not happy in the club. I'm not happy in the movie theater. I'm happy when I'm doing things that I never thought I could do, but that I prayed that one day I would be able to do."

"My happiness doesn't come from money...or fame. My happiness comes from seeing life without struggle."

Separate

'Forget where your body lies and I'll forget mine as well
you have as much hope as you have hopelessness
but can you identify just what keeps you down like this

Do you feel the pain
Or do you feel the memory?

Whether you're sound asleep, whether I'm wide awake
Brother, you live and breathe, whether I've gone away
Do you pass through the world lost in the rendering
of life as it felt before estranged to the passing day?
Do you feel the rain
Or do you feel the memory?

There's no need to get depressed
there's no need for anxiousness
'cause the words won't come easy
there's more to your work than this

Do you feel the pain...
Or do you feel the memory'

The hope I have for you. I want the world for you.

I'm in portland sitting on the yacht at Pat's boat house. Matthew's next to me, and Stephanie's sitting down with Saleigh in her lap. It's our last night with Matthew. I really wanted to grasp it. He's here today, he's gone tomorrow. I couldn't stop looking at the time, and counting down how much of it we had left. My phone goes off and I look down, "We're here." And my stomach dropped.

There was an hour left with him, and I was leaving.
I was getting picked up from my friends.
I left on my last night with my older brother. Goodbye was going to happen at some point, and it was now.

Matthew was always the stubborn one. He was also the most protective one... He looked out for every single thing I did, and put his whole heart into helping me out of my ruts. I love him for staying up with me all night on my last week of senior year so I could graduate. And for covering for me all of the times I would throw parties at the house while my dad was gone. Even though all I used to do was get him in trouble. He doesn't show how much he cares all of the time, infact sometimes I convinced myself that he hated me. But then the suprise of him proving me wrong makes me more grateful than ever. When he shows he really does care, and really does want me around, it's an acceptance that I can't get from anybody else. I love him for his honesty. For his ambitions. Everything was wrapping together right there and then. When I'm in town to visit, he won't be there. For Christmas, he won't be there. A picture of his face, and his memory in my heart is all I have to take with me. When I got in the car Mitchell and Avieta were playing music so loud that I was drowned out. My phone went off again and it was Matthew this time, "Hey man don't worry that you had to leave. It means a lot that you come up here. Stephanie and I were talking about hiring you to take pictures at our wedding. You're very talented and would love if you could. Best luck to you in Portland. I love you bro!"

A little after I left, my brother couldn't keep down his nervousness. He ended up in the bathroom getting sick while my dad sat silently waiting for him on the couch. When he came out, he grabbed his things and they went to the car. My dad had to take him back to the hotel. Matthew said how much he loved my dad, and said goodbye, and walked with Stephanie to the front doors. They cried in each others arms. I can't imagine the pain, or the distance. My dad stayed in the car crying and gave them their time. Before Matthew went back in he wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his shirt and waved them goodbye. And that was it.

In Mitchell's car I looked out the back window and saw Portland in the distance as we drove off on the freeway. I started crying. I had such a mix of emotions. It was an overwhelming, happy, cry. Matthew left... And I'm leaving too. I'm going my separate way with every single person in my life and I don't know how to feel about it anymore. I'm saying goodbye to all of the most important parts of myself. But I know that I feel lucky. I'm so lucky. So incredibly lucky. I have been collecting hearts all of my life. And I am so strong because of the inspiration I get from the people I love around me. I am so lucky for the things they've done for me. Thing's they probably didn't even know they've done for me.

I have so much hope for the people in my life.
I just don't know what I'm going to be without them.