You know that I could use somebody

Thank you for proving to me that waiting and giving out more than two chances was worth it. Thank you for not listening to what other people said and for making me such a happier person. And for coming to my house and staying with me until two hours before we had to wake up for school. For showing me how comfortable we are around each other. For sharing headphones and loving all the music I do. For bringing me Japanese candy. For falling asleep with me, for ignoring the time with me, for staying an hour longer than we planned.

I really love you.

"I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go."

Tonight when you said you wanted me to come pick you up so we could talk, it made me miss you even more. I hope that whatever you chose to do, you are happy. And I don't say that sarcastically. Just please don't put me on hold any longer.

"And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery"

Until you make it

You're always on the verge of hating everyone you "love"
I'm always on the verge of leaving

I've never met someone who was always so angry,
there is never a time where you are not upset about something

Remember more than youd like to forget

No matter what, a best friend doesn't do that to another best friend. For eight months I was so sure that she was really going to work out. I've never looked forward to summer so much. I've never stuck around with someone for so long when I got nothing in return. And I still can't consider it a waste of time. Because screw that, if someone was a waste of time, I wouldn't keep them around for so long.

One thing I'll keep in mind is the time when she wrote
"I always get these small crushes, and end up getting disappointed. I always find something wrong in other guys. I say, Michael would of laughed at that joke. Or, Michael would of understood what I meant." And then she said, "Then I realized the one thing that was wrong with all the other guys, they're not you."

And I hope she keeps in mind everything we talked about.
It's so hard for me to be like this, but you're the one that messed it all up. All day today, when everyone I talked to was calling you a bitch, I still couldn't call you it. I couldn't say the same. I still care too fucking much about you and I hate it. I wish you knew how much I really loved you and how happy I wanted you to be. I never got the chance to show you how much I was willing to do for you.
But I'll give you a round of applause. Thank you for testing my strengths and messing with my head. Thank you for leading me on to so much and letting me down as hard as you can. I really had such a good understanding for every little thing you said to me. I don't take back anything I said to you. Good or bad. You have no self esteem, and I know you know there's more to life, and I know you hate that you don't get to experince it. I know you just want one thing, to be simple. And I know I was never that for you, even though I tried so hard to be. I'm sorry that I won't be there to experience anything else with you. To be there with you for all the things you missed out on. Even being just friends would be so hard for me when I see you with him.

I hope your quick decision, was a good one.
You're fooled so easily. I hate seeing you like that. I really thought you were smarter than that. All I can do really is sit back and watch what you're trying to build get destroyed. As I move on with my life.

I hate you, Andrew. For screwing me over when all I did was take care of your situations. I would go against my best friend anytime she said anything about you. I took care of your drunk ass when you drank so much and were basically on the verge of dying because of the medication you took. I didn't kick you out of the car when you were throwing up out the window. I wouldn't bring up my problems because I knew all you wanted to talk about was yours. I stood up for you because you were such a pushover and had no self respect. And then you fuss and complain, "Oh I was treated so terribly." and "Oh, I went through so much.. Feel my pain.." You let it all happen to yourself. If there's one thing I realized with you while getting to know you is every single problem you had, you brought upon yourself. You were a good friend, but you were/are so selfish. Of course this isn't what I wanted. Of course I didn't want both of you to fuck up my trust. But it happened. And the only thing I know how to do now is leave you both in my past and completely stay away from two people that I thought I could really trust. Two people that I really cared about.

It's really hard from switching from love to hate when it's not what I wanted.
As much as you'll deny it, I've grown to know both of you so much that I know exactly what's going through your heads right now. You really love doing people wrong and I mean that. You really do. You say "I'm such an ass hole." and "I'm such a terrible person." As if it's your best quality. I'd say your best quality is being unstable and controlled. You adjusted your personality for every girl that you came across. I couldn't help but laugh at you when you'd listen to songs in thai, when you didn't even understand what they were saying. You still loved it. Just because the girl you liked did. Oh.. I could come up with so many examples. I wonder what that'd feel like. You know, being a puppet and all to everyone around you. You drop all of your opinions, beliefs, morals, likes, and dislikes and give the girl what they want. You are so programmed..

When the fuck will anyone prove to me that they are, what they say they are.

Give me something real.
Give me something that lasts.
Give me a break..

I've become artificial

I cannot make myself number one all of the time.
I will never get what I want, but I usually get something better anyways. And even if I get nothing at all, I learn something. At this age, and in this world, you really have to have a high tolerance for bullshit and a high tolerance for getting the opposite of what you want.

Of course it gets really old accepting things I don't want to accept. But what else can you do? If I tried to force anything, like I've been doing for the past couple months, it wouldn't be real.

Of course I'm not over it.
But I need to be.
This time, hearing that it's done and over. I really need to let it be done and over. Forget about your feelings, forget about what you want, forget about how real it feels. You can go for such a long time thinking somebody else feels exactly the same as you do and get proved wrong in the end. The feeling isn't always mutual. Forget about how good it was, how bad it was. How good it would of been. Routine sometimes is nice. I took comfort, and got too comfortable. Words can be so fucking powerful sometimes. Words took over me more than I ever wanted them to. Actions always show the truth. Forget about how bad you want it, because it doesn't change anything. When things get torn away from you, let them get torn away. And maybe someday get it thrown back. All you can do really is keep trusting people, and see what it does for you each time. You have all the control over yourself but none over anyone else.

So I'll use that control to put it in the past.
I don't want to the person who carries around stories of things that have happened to me, anymore.

"You have to keep recycling your self."

You have to keep adapting.