SPILL OUT!

Time for more spill outs

I really hate the weather. It's slowly starting to bring down my mood. And it's making everybody all pissy and depressed. It's really annoying.

I really like the song shoreline. It inspires me to do something great.

People just don't seem to be motivating me lately. Which is unusual.

Tomorrow's the last day of November

I really can't stop thinking about how much is going to crash down December + January

I don't think this blog is doing anything except make me think more, and make me feel even more stressed.

But I'm still writing because when I need to spill everything out, this is where e I do it.

This week went by so slowly. For so long the weeks were going by fast. Now they're just getting really, really, long.

I'm always in pissy moods during the week days. And I'm the happiest person on the planet during the weekends.

My dad told me tonight I think too much. I told him I agree.

My mom told me tonight that she's doing good. And that makes me feel good.

My brother told us tonight he wants to get his life back on track. And I really think he means it.

I need to give Mackenzie her book back. Or buy her a new one since I completely ruined the cover. I feel bad.

I WANT TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHY NEXT SEMESTER. I went into that classroom. It's so laid back. So cool.

I'm supposed to hangout with some old friends this weekend. It'll be so great. And all my other plans sound gooood.

Then the weekend after this weekend, family party in Portland. So pumped up.

No homework tonight. Finished it all in class. Thank god.

I hate going anywhere for lunch, or first period now since it's so cold. I prefer just staying in the library with the whole group there.

I love hanging out with everyone in the library. Even if the librarians a bitch.

Go Rayven for making a petition to get her out of this school!

I keep getting text messages and I don't even wanna read them tonight

Every thing's bugging me. Susan talking so loud. My room being messy. The fact that I'm always so tired lately. How lately I always shake. Actually, it's been like that forever. I always shake for some reason. I can't keep my hands still right now. It's annoying. My dad says it's because of my poor diet.

Caitlin and I are falling behind in Advanced TV

I'm almost to my hundredth post on here.

I'm gonna clean my room now.

I love third period

Multicultural studies is by far the best class I've taken so far in high school.

Really. It's so interesting. Today we did this thing called the spirit walk. Where we all stand in one big group and Jose (the teacher) calls out certain things such as "If you play a musical instrument. Step forward" and if the thing he calls out applies to you, you step forward and turn around and look at all of your class.

He called all these different things.
"If you have somebody in your family that's an alcoholic step forward"
"If you've lost somebody important to you"
"If you've been treated with racism"

And then

"If you've ever been mistreated, humiliated, or betrayed by somebody at Sheldon high school. Step forward."

I think everybody except for about five people stepped forward for that one. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if those five people were being honest. Maybe they were. I don't know. Not like it's important.

Then after he ran out of things to call out, Jose asked us if we have any other ideas of things to call out. And a few people named some things, and some people stepped forward. And you just learn a lot about everyone in the class. And it breaks a lot of stereotypes that I've thrown on people in there.

After the spirit walk we all talked about what we thought of it as a class. And it was really interesting to hear what everybody had to say. There's this blind girl named Jessica in our class. And I swear, even though she can't see, she's the happiest person on this planet. Jose asked her what she thought about this activity. And she said

"You just learn a lot about people. And you learn that people put up with the same things that you put up with. And even though I can't see. I could hear and feel everybody walking forward with me when you asked who has been mistreated at Sheldon High School at least ONCE. And it's really nice to know that I'm not alone. Because I've been feeling that a lot lately."

I think Jose's eyes started watering up on that one.

I swear that class is making my views towards everything even stronger.

Dreams of limping & crawling

So the past two nights I've had these dreams where I keep trying to get somewhere and I can't because it hurts to walk. So I start limping. Then it hurts so much when I'm limping so I start crawling and that hurts too. And it happens in stages. And it was like that for so much of the dream. Me just limping and crawling to get somewhere. Since I had the dreams two nights in a row I looked up what it means

Uh and surprisingly it's all true.

Trouble Walking

To dream that you have difficulties walking, indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences. The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing.

Limping

To dream that you are limping, refers to a lack of balance in some relationship in your life. You feel that the relationship is one-sided. Perhaps you feel that you are giving more than you are getting back or vice-versa.

Crawling

To dream that you are crawling, indicates that you are approaching your goals with careful forethought and preparation. Alternatively, you may be lowering yourself and your standards. You may be doing less than your best.

Changing + growing

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow."

Now I'm really gonna try to make this blog short and simple. But I don't know if I'll be able to. Here we go.

"Change" it seems to be the only thing that's on my mind lately. Really. I really can't believe how much has changed, how much I've changed, and how much my life has transformed into a complete new one over one term of the year. It's so much, it's kind of scary. I like this change though. For once, I feel like everything is right. I can actually say I'm really happy. I guess some of my actions have changed. I guess I'm growing. And as Cameron pointed out to me, as I change, and as I grow, I'm going to lose people. It happens. Not just to me, to everybody. And I keep trying to get these friends back, and I keep trying to relive moments that I miss, and I keep trying to hold people back from walking out of my life. But he tells me, "Just let them go. If you were to try and get the friendship back, the friendship just wouldn't be real anymore. And it's the way it has to be."

After hearing that I'm looking for reasoning for the way things have to be.

I hate to let things go. I hate to give up on people. I hate feeling like I've abandoned somebody. So many people think I like going through friends as if they're nothing to me. You don't even know how many people say that to me. Or ask me "Who's your best friend now? Haha!" as if it's funny. I really never chose to lose people in my life.

Cameron pointed out to me that as you grow, your actions change. You can still act the same, but when you change your actions, you ARE a different person. And people that were once close to you can drift away from you because they don't believe you're "new" actions are correct. God this would be so much easier to explain if I could just use the persons name, but I would hate to throw our problems out to the Internet. This friend that I'm losing has different morals and different beliefs than me. And I hate that we're losing our friendship. But in order for me to save it I'd have to become the type of person he wants in his life. I'd have to change my actions, I'd have to change my beliefs, I'd have to change my morals. I'd have to change myself. Cameron tells me that once you've changed, you've changed. And you have to accept it, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much you think you still are exactly the same, sometimes other people can see it in a complete different way. I hope you're still with me. I'm REALLY trying to make this make sense. He tells me that if I'm not going to be the friend that this person needs, and if I'm going to keep letting him down, then I need to detach myself from him, and let go of this friendship. I just don't know if I can do that. I don't know how I could do that. Because I can try to get the friendship back that we once had, and I can try to pretend that every thing's still the same, but change has played it's course. We're starting to lack similarity. And my god, it's the hardest thing ever to accept. All I can say, is I'm happy right now. And I can't change myself. The person I once was has died. I'm someone new. I have different views towards things now. I have a different way of living. I'm just playing around with different ways of living. Cameron honestly is the smartest person that I know. He really has opened my eyes towards my other friends view towards all of this. And I'm sorry to the friend I'm losing. I'm sorry that I can't add up to your expectations (not sarcasm, and that's not supposed to sound mean) I'm sorry that I let you down, and I'm sorry that I can't be the friend you need. I just wish we could go back, to how it was.

el oh el