Thursday, August 26, 2010


'Forget where your body lies and I'll forget mine as well
you have as much hope as you have hopelessness
but can you identify just what keeps you down like this

Do you feel the pain
Or do you feel the memory?

Whether you're sound asleep, whether I'm wide awake
Brother, you live and breathe, whether I've gone away

Do you pass through the world lost in the rendering
of life as it felt before estranged to the passing day?
Do you feel the rain
Or do you feel the memory?

There's no need to get depressed
there's no need for anxiousness
'cause the words won't come easy
there's more to your work than this

Do you feel the pain...
Or do you feel the memory'

The hope I have for you. I want the world for you.

I'm in portland sitting on the yacht at Pat's boat house. Matthew's next to me, and Stephanie's sitting down with Saleigh in her lap. It's our last night with Matthew. I really wanted to grasp it. He's here today, he's gone tomorrow. I couldn't stop looking at the time, and counting down how much of it we had left. My phone goes off and I look down, "We're here." And my stomach dropped.

There was an hour left with him, and I was leaving.
I was getting picked up from my friends.
I left on my last night with my older brother. Goodbye was going to happen at some point, and it was now.

Matthew was always the stubborn one. He was also the most protective one... He looked out for every single thing I did, and put his whole heart into helping me out of my ruts. I love him for staying up with me all night on my last week of senior year so I could graduate. And for covering for me all of the times I would throw parties at the house while my dad was gone. Even though all I used to do was get him in trouble. He doesn't show how much he cares all of the time, infact sometimes I convinced myself that he hated me. But then the suprise of him proving me wrong makes me more grateful than ever. When he shows he really does care, and really does want me around, it's an acceptance that I can't get from anybody else. I love him for his honesty. For his ambitions. Everything was wrapping together right there and then. When I'm in town to visit, he won't be there. For Christmas, he won't be there. A picture of his face, and his memory in my heart is all I have to take with me. When I got in the car Mitchell and Avieta were playing music so loud that I was drowned out. My phone went off again and it was Matthew this time, "Hey man don't worry that you had to leave. It means a lot that you come up here. Stephanie and I were talking about hiring you to take pictures at our wedding. You're very talented and would love if you could. Best luck to you in Portland. I love you bro!"

A little after I left, my brother couldn't keep down his nervousness. He ended up in the bathroom getting sick while my dad sat silently waiting for him on the couch. When he came out, he grabbed his things and they went to the car. My dad had to take him back to the hotel. Matthew said how much he loved my dad, and said goodbye, and walked with Stephanie to the front doors. They cried in each others arms. I can't imagine the pain, or the distance. My dad stayed in the car crying and gave them their time. Before Matthew went back in he wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his shirt and waved them goodbye. And that was it.

In Mitchell's car I looked out the back window and saw Portland in the distance as we drove off on the freeway. I started crying. I had such a mix of emotions. It was an overwhelming, happy, cry. Matthew left... And I'm leaving too. I'm going my separate way with every single person in my life and I don't know how to feel about it anymore. I'm saying goodbye to all of the most important parts of myself. But I know that I feel lucky. I'm so lucky. So incredibly lucky. I have been collecting hearts all of my life. And I am so strong because of the inspiration I get from the people I love around me. I am so lucky for the things they've done for me. Thing's they probably didn't even know they've done for me.

I have so much hope for the people in my life.
I just don't know what I'm going to be without them.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

You can make a plan, carve it into stone, like a feather falling it is still unknown.

When Amanda left Matthew he lost his head. He spent days making one call after another to my mom begging her for advice. He was so terrified that love would never come back to him. Matthew and I are actually exactly the same when it comes to our fears. Except the difference is he begs for people to give him answers, and me, I'm just asking all of those questions to myself in my head.

Stephanie brought back his faith. They've been together for a while now, and I've never seen him so happy in my whole life. We have six more days with him until he leaves for the army... And last night he told everybody him and Stephanie are engaged.

I spent the whole day babysitting her four year old daughter, Saleigh. While I'm sitting in the grass watching her run around she runs over and sits down on her knees next to me. I look over and smile, she smiles back with a chocolate frosting outline around her lips. Matthew pulls up in his car and Saleigh gasps for air, stands up and starts running towards him. He gets out and grabs her, holding her in the air while she's laughing loudly and kicking her feet. I was the happiest person in the world. Seeing happiness in my family doesn't compare to any amount of money, any chemical release of seretonin, any place in the world. It's the only thing I want.

While we sit downstairs he says, "I feel so lucky. You know? How all of this just fell into place for me." We talked about how everything feels like it's fixed. When we're in love we don't want to be anywhere else. When we lose love we're so certain that we are stuck in a forever loveless life. "It's hope that gets us through it all. No matter how hard it can be to believe in sometimes."

Who knows if any of us end up where we expect.
But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm sure it will be in the hands of something beautiful.

Friday, August 13, 2010

If time doesn't run out, than neither will I.

Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up

Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math when you were alive
No one's going to play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?

Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

Am I right?

It's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember to live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember when it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember

My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Because the patterns they control your mind, those patterns take away my time.

I've never really known if I believe that our past supplies us with our feelings we have now. Or that the things we do are based off of what happened to us. Maybe with somethings. For me I've tried to always keep what's happening, with what happened, separate. I don't know if it's even possible. But there's one connection to my past that I can't ignore. Whenever I couldn't see my mom, or when I had no way to get a hold of her, I would spend hours on end awake. It was the only time I felt truly disconnected from everything else in my life. It wasn't so bad when I was out, or when I was doing something, when I wasn't alone. I used to call my dad to pick me up when I was at friends houses after they fell asleep, and I would cry on the way home. I grew used to not having her with me, but it was her not constantly being involved in my life, no matter what form it was, that would put a hole in my heart.

It's not just Stephanie. In fact all along maybe she really didn't even do anything wrong. I was attached and I wouldn't let go because I loved her so much. She wasn't the first to bring out my separation anxiety, and I linked too many of my problems to her. Problems that I've had all of my life. Problems that I still have today. Maybe the patterns of what have happened with my relationships are too drilled into my mind. When some thing's off with my friends, or when I feel like they don't want me around, I feel what I feel when Stephanie and I would be fighting. Or when she was ignoring me, or when she would tell me she doesn't love me. I take on so much by other peoples actions and jump to conclusions in my head before anything has even happened.

When I have everything I want in my hands I feel nothing but grateful. I won't let my mind slip into anything negative, and it gives me the strength to keep pushing for more until I'm fully satisfied. My happiness is so dependent on what I am given, and not so much what I give. Then I look at other people and see how differently they handle the opposite... A day alone is a day alone. It doesn't feel like the worst day of their life. An ignored call is their phone slipped back in their pocket, while I can't stop staring at the screen. I hate feeling like I'm not needed. I hate constantly feeling like I'm going to lose everybody I have. And I hate that most of the time, when I think some thing's going wrong, I convince myself there is no other possibility. I jump to the worst before the better. I waste so much of my energy worrying when I don't know the other persons intentions, and I go into panic thinking I can't get it back.

I'm never going to learn how to love again if I don't learn how to love myself. I have told myself this so many times. And I really do when I have everything I want.. But what about when I don't? Why do I feel guilty handling my own life when it's not involved with anybody elses emotions?

My past is my past. And what I have, is all that I've got. I'm not afraid to tell myself I'm wrong. I don't ever have to be the same person. And I don't want to follow a map I've carved out from my troubles anymore.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hands down I'm too proud for love, but with eyes shut it's you I'm thinking of.

I can't control the fact that Stephanie's not in my life anymore. I can't control the fact that I still think about her. But there is no reason to slow down my pace. I've avoided letting my thoughts of her get to my head so much. Because I don't want to be distracted anymore by something I just can't handle. I don't want everything in front of me to be drained out by what I don't have.

But what happens when I settle? Is this why I'm so scared to settle?
Avieta tells me that I can't think like that. I can't let myself be overtaken by negativity again or else I won't keep moving. I tell myself every day that I'm always home.

Maybe one more time seeing her wouldn't even make anything better. There's always some absent feeling when I'm around her now. Now we lay next to each other but we don't touch, and it's a hug goodbye but there's no kiss. There's no I love you. There's nothing of what we had living, except for inside of us. And I just won't let myself get too close. Maybe I could have told her that I still love her, or I could have told her that I moved on but I never let go. That I want her to see my new place and that she can stay with me whenever she's in town. It might of meant nothing. And I'm almost thinking that her saying no to seeing me was the right thing.. it shouldn't have happened.

It was my choice to leave. I chose for us to go seperate ways. She might have moved on and let go already, and even if she didn't what would it change? There's no going back anymore. We're not together anymore. Tonight on my way back to town I talked to Avieta about all of the things I'm ready to embrace, and all of the things I'm scared to leave behind, and the things I'm scared to leave undone. I never once said anything about Stephanie. I'll never be able to leave her behind. I feel the distance between us every single day. But I will no matter where I go. There's a whole lot of things I feel I haven't settled here, but I don't know if they need to be. I don't think there's always going to be a conclusion to everything. And that's just something I have to accept.

Monday, August 9, 2010

And when something falls out of place, I take my time, I put it back

When I don't want to be alone, I know that I don't have to be.
I have people that love me. I always have had people that love me. And being on my own isn't always something that I fear anymore. For once it feels good to make decisions without running it through outcomes first. I've learned myself and what makes me comfortable, and I'm finally continuing to focus on that. I've needed to for a long time.

There isn't a whole lot that I feel I can't face. The closer I get towards the end of the month, the more realistic it feels that I'm finally packing up my bags from an old life and taking myself somewhere new. I'm excited, and a little bit scared. But I know I can face it. I feel a genuine happiness I haven't felt for so long.. And I'm running off of a confidence that I've really never had so much of in my life.

Now when I'm drifting off, it's not because I'm lost in thought.
And now when I can't sleep, its because I'm just excited for tomorrow. I have a lot of faith in my life. And I feel extremely lucky for everything I've had, and for where I'm going.

There isn't always a bigger picture... And not everything in life can't always be adjustable. When I don't like the rules, I change them. But there are somethings I can't mend, and other things that won't bend. And as long as I can keep finding my ways to work around that, I'll be fine.