And when something falls out of place, I take my time, I put it back

When I don't want to be alone, I know that I don't have to be.
I have people that love me. I always have had people that love me. And being on my own isn't always something that I fear anymore. For once it feels good to make decisions without running it through outcomes first. I've learned myself and what makes me comfortable, and I'm finally continuing to focus on that. I've needed to for a long time.

There isn't a whole lot that I feel I can't face. The closer I get towards the end of the month, the more realistic it feels that I'm finally packing up my bags from an old life and taking myself somewhere new. I'm excited, and a little bit scared. But I know I can face it. I feel a genuine happiness I haven't felt for so long.. And I'm running off of a confidence that I've really never had so much of in my life.

Now when I'm drifting off, it's not because I'm lost in thought.
And now when I can't sleep, its because I'm just excited for tomorrow. I have a lot of faith in my life. And I feel extremely lucky for everything I've had, and for where I'm going.

There isn't always a bigger picture... And not everything in life can't always be adjustable. When I don't like the rules, I change them. But there are somethings I can't mend, and other things that won't bend. And as long as I can keep finding my ways to work around that, I'll be fine.

No one needs to know we're feeling higher, and higher, and higher. higher, and higher, and higher.

Fighting to explain yourself, or giving reasoning for your actions is sort of insignificant when you know what you want, and you know that you're getting there.

My happiness is finally in my own hands.

I guess the best that I can do now is pretend that I've done nothing wrong

...And to dream about a train that's gonna take me back where I belong.

I've been at war against my habits and my ways of living for a while now. But it's almost impossible to keep up with something that is constantly changing. I try to keep myself busy off of whatever I can find because I get so terrified of going back into a side of me that I've been trying to escape. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there some things you just can't erase. And some things you just can't change. And all these parts of me I thought I lost a hold of, are finding their way back into place. I have kept myself so trapped in the only thing I thought I could be. Consumed in details, fears, and reasons for why things couldn't be possible. I spent too much time looking through other perspectives that it sort of started to feel like I couldn't even create my own. It became so simple for me to let anything take control of the direction I was going, when I should have been making decisions with all the things I've been leaving undone. Instead I burned all of my plans to the ground, and let myself be carried away.

I know there are other options if I don't graduate, but that's not what I'm afraid of as it's getting closer and closer to the day. There's always been a side of me that separates my desires and the all things I have to do, that I see as a waste. I beg for time, and then stare at the clock, with my mind focused on things I fear leaving alone. I know that I always come late in the game, I know all these consquences link back to myself, but I'm still trying to find confidence in my change of effort. I've been running off of no sleep, focusing my time on things I could never make myself do before. I'm not doing it for anybody else, and I feel something new building inside of me that I want to learn how to keep. There are far too many destinations set, and too many reasons to go back. Reasons that sometimes, you just have to ignore. I want a constant motivation to participate in my life again. I need proof of something that will stop the questioning of my ability to keep moving forward.

Where we stand is our choice, isn't it? Our life is what we create on our own. No matter how things unfold, I need to remember that there aren't any permanent conclusions to anything that I live. I don't expect to evolve into something greater. I just don't always want to feel like I'm walking on glass. I want my concentration to be attracted to simple things. To learn how to live without staying hidden behind the things I've done. I want to appreciate love given to me, love for my life, and love for myself, without changing my mind, and feeling all the way deserving of it.

Wandering

Fall asleep in a comforter nest.
The room is yellow, and the windows are dentist white.
I smell the ghost of your dinner.
And the space heater's glowing like a miniature gate to hell.
I hear the dogs as I dress myself.

And pen a letter on the back of a paper plate.
It tells you that I'm gone now, and I'm sorry if I don't make it back.

Well, I know it's a good life.
Yeah, I know it's a good life.
But I gotta keep moving.
I was made to keep moving.

And I know it's a long shot. It was always a long shot.
But I'm trusting my aim now. Yeah, I'm trusting my aim.
And I know it's a good life.
Yeah, I know it's a good life.
But I gotta keep moving. Gotta stay on the move.

I had a dream but I called it a plan.
A string of hopes that I figured would serve me well.
But then the dream turned sour.
Sometimes delusions ain't the comfort you want them to be.
Now I'm broke and my luck's run out.

My new acquaintances will never be someone to trust.
The house is now a graveyard.
And it's hard to fall asleep with no one watching your back.

Well, you got my name. Now it's all the same.
It don't mean much, but you can have it all.
And I sold my heart for another start.
I had my fix but I shouldered it off.
And now the price is a big one.

Well, I had me a good life.
Yeah, I had me a good life.
But I had to keep moving. I was made to keep moving.
And I know that I messed up. Yeah, I know that I messed up.

But I still gotta keep moving. Yeah, I still gotta move.
And oh, my mind is made up, and I'm no different now.
But I follow the questions, because I'm bored with the answers.
I'm bored with the answers.

Sure, I miss a lot. And I'm no better off.
But sitting idle ain't a thing I was built for.
I gotta keep moving. I gotta stay on the move.
I gotta...

This hearts on fire, this hearts on fire

Sometimes my mom still calls me crying, and sometimes she tells me she's lost hope. Sometimes I still get my priorities mixed up, and I still get scared of what I'm doing. Every once in a while it feels like all I really am doing is filling up my time with not much, and I'll wish I could see life as it is, instead of seeing everything as progress. And all the time I think of you, but it's getting easier. And the more I look back the more it starts to feel like a different lifetime.

Because it's no longer made up by the way it's played out, and neither am I. I don't hold my love so close, and I'm not so cautious with putting it where it belongs. I'm not who loves me. I'm not my friends, or who I've known. It was nothing but comfortable when I stepped outside for a cigarette with jacob, and I'm not scared anymore to walk into a room full of people. I'm not stuck in something I made myself into. Now I'm laughing and loving and not expecting so much for myself. I'm motivated to step out into all the possibilities, and surround myself with what I deserve. I'm not being disolved from doubt, and I'm not afraid of lost progress.

Sometimes even just waking up feels new.
And my days pass by in a different way.
As I sat in Susans office today, it felt unlike anytime before. The blinds were open and the sun was shining in. She said, "Sometimes we all need a chance to start over." But starting over isn't what this is about, and it's not what I need.

I'm just learning how to grow and memorizing all of the things I've learned.
It's getting better all the time.. It's getting better all the time..