When you sent me off to see the world

My dad already thinks I'm destroying my life, but he doesn't know much about me. I think if he were to break down the walls I've built to keep him away from knowing me, he'd realize I'm such a stranger. If he were to look at my life, if her were to see the things he doesn't know, he'd see sides of me he never knew existed. He'd see nights where I snuck out and took the car, he'd see parties I've thrown while he was out of town, alcohol bottles, and untrustworthy people. He'd see lighters, hidden progress reports, money stolen from his wallet, receipts for expensive things, and pointless things. Days spent at home instead of school. He'd see me talking on the phone all night and falling asleep two hours before I had to wake up for school. He'd see me stealing my phone back when he takes it away, and a car full of people that aren't allowed to drive with me for another five months. And if he saw all that.. If he knew that side of me.. I don't think he'd want to call me his son. When he already has a hard time trusting me or putting faith into me at all.

If he knew that I'm struggling, he'd have a hard time accepting it.
I tell him what he wants to hear. And hardly let him get close to me at all. But when it comes to my mom.. She knows it all. She knows all of that about me. And I'm tired of making her worried sick about me. Because she's hundreds of miles away. And yes mom, dad threw me up against the wall. And we yelled words full of hate towards each other. But I promise we're going to be fine. I'm going to be fine.

"Mother Mother, how's the family? I'm just calling to say hello.
How's the weather? How's my father? Am I lonely? Heavens no.
Mother mother, are you listening? Just a phone call to ease your mind.
Life is perfect. Never better. Distance making the heart grow blind.

If I tell you what you want to hear, will it help you to sleep well at night?
Are you sure that Im your perfect dear? Now just cuddle up, and sleep tight.

I'm hungry, I'm freezing, I'm losing my mind. Everything's fine."

Survival of the fittest

What we do is we get close to someone,
We observe and learn everything about them. Their weaknesses, their fears, their annoyances, and when we need to, we pull it out on them.

It's what can make someone you love into an enemy.
It's the only thing we have against anyone.
Someones weakness can become your power.

And there's no stopping it.

It's a cold world. Bundle up.

I can't out run you

"You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend

It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me

And I can't outrun you"

Fakin' a smile with the coffee to go

Today was a bad day. Nothing unfortunate happened. No one did anything wrong, but I haven't really seen anybody today. And I haven't engaged in much conversation. For some reason I avoided any form of human contact. I got annoyed with every "Hello" and got a little more pissed off at anyone who bumped into me in the hallways. I even got frustrated having to reply when Mr. Linear called out my name for attendance. I felt very different from everyone today because everyone else seemed to be in a good mood. I don't really come across many days like this. No matter what, I usually always consider every day a good day. I guess I just let my bad mood take over.

But tonight when I was pulling out of dutch bros, I came to a red light and I was singing to the song on the radio. And I usually feel stupid singing in the car alone, but when I looked over at the car next to me, I saw them mouthing along too. They were listening to the same song. Singing the same song.

And just that, made my feeling of being disconnected from people today, go away.

Consistently

Fake excuses can get anyone through anything.
And even if they're obviously not true, sometimes they're enough to make someone forgive.

All I know is sometimes I compare myself to you, and I feel so much more sane.