Monday, June 7, 2010

No one needs to know we're feeling higher, and higher, and higher. higher, and higher, and higher.

Fighting to explain yourself, or giving reasoning for your actions is sort of insignificant when you know what you want, and you know that you're getting there.

My happiness is finally in my own hands.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I guess the best that I can do now is pretend that I've done nothing wrong

...And to dream about a train that's gonna take me back where I belong.

I've been at war against my habits and my ways of living for a while now. But it's almost impossible to keep up with something that is constantly changing. I try to keep myself busy off of whatever I can find because I get so terrified of going back into a side of me that I've been trying to escape. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there some things you just can't erase. And some things you just can't change. And all these parts of me I thought I lost a hold of, are finding their way back into place. I have kept myself so trapped in the only thing I thought I could be. Consumed in details, fears, and reasons for why things couldn't be possible. I spent too much time looking through other perspectives that it sort of started to feel like I couldn't even create my own. It became so simple for me to let anything take control of the direction I was going, when I should have been making decisions with all the things I've been leaving undone. Instead I burned all of my plans to the ground, and let myself be carried away.

I know there are other options if I don't graduate, but that's not what I'm afraid of as it's getting closer and closer to the day. There's always been a side of me that separates my desires and the all things I have to do, that I see as a waste. I beg for time, and then stare at the clock, with my mind focused on things I fear leaving alone. I know that I always come late in the game, I know all these consquences link back to myself, but I'm still trying to find confidence in my change of effort. I've been running off of no sleep, focusing my time on things I could never make myself do before. I'm not doing it for anybody else, and I feel something new building inside of me that I want to learn how to keep. There are far too many destinations set, and too many reasons to go back. Reasons that sometimes, you just have to ignore. I want a constant motivation to participate in my life again. I need proof of something that will stop the questioning of my ability to keep moving forward.

Where we stand is our choice, isn't it? Our life is what we create on our own. No matter how things unfold, I need to remember that there aren't any permanent conclusions to anything that I live. I don't expect to evolve into something greater. I just don't always want to feel like I'm walking on glass. I want my concentration to be attracted to simple things. To learn how to live without staying hidden behind the things I've done. I want to appreciate love given to me, love for my life, and love for myself, without changing my mind, and feeling all the way deserving of it.