"When are you happy?"
"Maybe I give off the impression that I'm never happy."
"I'm not happy in the club. I'm not happy in the movie theater. I'm happy when I'm doing things that I never thought I could do, but that I prayed that one day I would be able to do."
"My happiness doesn't come from money...or fame. My happiness comes from seeing life without struggle."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Separate
'Forget where your body lies and I'll forget mine as well
you have as much hope as you have hopelessness
but can you identify just what keeps you down like this
Do you feel the pain
Or do you feel the memory?
Whether you're sound asleep, whether I'm wide awake
Brother, you live and breathe, whether I've gone away
Do you pass through the world lost in the rendering
of life as it felt before estranged to the passing day?
Do you feel the rain
Or do you feel the memory?
There's no need to get depressed
there's no need for anxiousness
'cause the words won't come easy
there's more to your work than this
Do you feel the pain...
Or do you feel the memory'
you have as much hope as you have hopelessness
but can you identify just what keeps you down like this
Do you feel the pain
Or do you feel the memory?
Whether you're sound asleep, whether I'm wide awake
Brother, you live and breathe, whether I've gone away
Do you pass through the world lost in the rendering
of life as it felt before estranged to the passing day?
Do you feel the rain
Or do you feel the memory?
There's no need to get depressed
there's no need for anxiousness
'cause the words won't come easy
there's more to your work than this
Do you feel the pain...
Or do you feel the memory'
The hope I have for you. I want the world for you.
I'm in portland sitting on the yacht at Pat's boat house. Matthew's next to me, and Stephanie's sitting down with Saleigh in her lap. It's our last night with Matthew. I really wanted to grasp it. He's here today, he's gone tomorrow. I couldn't stop looking at the time, and counting down how much of it we had left. My phone goes off and I look down, "We're here." And my stomach dropped.
There was an hour left with him, and I was leaving.
I was getting picked up from my friends.
I left on my last night with my older brother. Goodbye was going to happen at some point, and it was now.
Matthew was always the stubborn one. He was also the most protective one... He looked out for every single thing I did, and put his whole heart into helping me out of my ruts. I love him for staying up with me all night on my last week of senior year so I could graduate. And for covering for me all of the times I would throw parties at the house while my dad was gone. Even though all I used to do was get him in trouble. He doesn't show how much he cares all of the time, infact sometimes I convinced myself that he hated me. But then the suprise of him proving me wrong makes me more grateful than ever. When he shows he really does care, and really does want me around, it's an acceptance that I can't get from anybody else. I love him for his honesty. For his ambitions. Everything was wrapping together right there and then. When I'm in town to visit, he won't be there. For Christmas, he won't be there. A picture of his face, and his memory in my heart is all I have to take with me. When I got in the car Mitchell and Avieta were playing music so loud that I was drowned out. My phone went off again and it was Matthew this time, "Hey man don't worry that you had to leave. It means a lot that you come up here. Stephanie and I were talking about hiring you to take pictures at our wedding. You're very talented and would love if you could. Best luck to you in Portland. I love you bro!"
A little after I left, my brother couldn't keep down his nervousness. He ended up in the bathroom getting sick while my dad sat silently waiting for him on the couch. When he came out, he grabbed his things and they went to the car. My dad had to take him back to the hotel. Matthew said how much he loved my dad, and said goodbye, and walked with Stephanie to the front doors. They cried in each others arms. I can't imagine the pain, or the distance. My dad stayed in the car crying and gave them their time. Before Matthew went back in he wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his shirt and waved them goodbye. And that was it.
In Mitchell's car I looked out the back window and saw Portland in the distance as we drove off on the freeway. I started crying. I had such a mix of emotions. It was an overwhelming, happy, cry. Matthew left... And I'm leaving too. I'm going my separate way with every single person in my life and I don't know how to feel about it anymore. I'm saying goodbye to all of the most important parts of myself. But I know that I feel lucky. I'm so lucky. So incredibly lucky. I have been collecting hearts all of my life. And I am so strong because of the inspiration I get from the people I love around me. I am so lucky for the things they've done for me. Thing's they probably didn't even know they've done for me.
I have so much hope for the people in my life.
I just don't know what I'm going to be without them.
There was an hour left with him, and I was leaving.
I was getting picked up from my friends.
I left on my last night with my older brother. Goodbye was going to happen at some point, and it was now.
Matthew was always the stubborn one. He was also the most protective one... He looked out for every single thing I did, and put his whole heart into helping me out of my ruts. I love him for staying up with me all night on my last week of senior year so I could graduate. And for covering for me all of the times I would throw parties at the house while my dad was gone. Even though all I used to do was get him in trouble. He doesn't show how much he cares all of the time, infact sometimes I convinced myself that he hated me. But then the suprise of him proving me wrong makes me more grateful than ever. When he shows he really does care, and really does want me around, it's an acceptance that I can't get from anybody else. I love him for his honesty. For his ambitions. Everything was wrapping together right there and then. When I'm in town to visit, he won't be there. For Christmas, he won't be there. A picture of his face, and his memory in my heart is all I have to take with me. When I got in the car Mitchell and Avieta were playing music so loud that I was drowned out. My phone went off again and it was Matthew this time, "Hey man don't worry that you had to leave. It means a lot that you come up here. Stephanie and I were talking about hiring you to take pictures at our wedding. You're very talented and would love if you could. Best luck to you in Portland. I love you bro!"
A little after I left, my brother couldn't keep down his nervousness. He ended up in the bathroom getting sick while my dad sat silently waiting for him on the couch. When he came out, he grabbed his things and they went to the car. My dad had to take him back to the hotel. Matthew said how much he loved my dad, and said goodbye, and walked with Stephanie to the front doors. They cried in each others arms. I can't imagine the pain, or the distance. My dad stayed in the car crying and gave them their time. Before Matthew went back in he wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his shirt and waved them goodbye. And that was it.
In Mitchell's car I looked out the back window and saw Portland in the distance as we drove off on the freeway. I started crying. I had such a mix of emotions. It was an overwhelming, happy, cry. Matthew left... And I'm leaving too. I'm going my separate way with every single person in my life and I don't know how to feel about it anymore. I'm saying goodbye to all of the most important parts of myself. But I know that I feel lucky. I'm so lucky. So incredibly lucky. I have been collecting hearts all of my life. And I am so strong because of the inspiration I get from the people I love around me. I am so lucky for the things they've done for me. Thing's they probably didn't even know they've done for me.
I have so much hope for the people in my life.
I just don't know what I'm going to be without them.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
You can make a plan, carve it into stone, like a feather falling it is still unknown.
When Amanda left Matthew he lost his head. He spent days making one call after another to my mom begging her for advice. He was so terrified that love would never come back to him. Matthew and I are actually exactly the same when it comes to our fears. Except the difference is he begs for people to give him answers, and me, I'm just asking all of those questions to myself in my head.
Stephanie brought back his faith. They've been together for a while now, and I've never seen him so happy in my whole life. We have six more days with him until he leaves for the army... And last night he told everybody him and Stephanie are engaged.
I spent the whole day babysitting her four year old daughter, Saleigh. While I'm sitting in the grass watching her run around she runs over and sits down on her knees next to me. I look over and smile, she smiles back with a chocolate frosting outline around her lips. Matthew pulls up in his car and Saleigh gasps for air, stands up and starts running towards him. He gets out and grabs her, holding her in the air while she's laughing loudly and kicking her feet. I was the happiest person in the world. Seeing happiness in my family doesn't compare to any amount of money, any chemical release of seretonin, any place in the world. It's the only thing I want.
While we sit downstairs he says, "I feel so lucky. You know? How all of this just fell into place for me." We talked about how everything feels like it's fixed. When we're in love we don't want to be anywhere else. When we lose love we're so certain that we are stuck in a forever loveless life. "It's hope that gets us through it all. No matter how hard it can be to believe in sometimes."
Who knows if any of us end up where we expect.
But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm sure it will be in the hands of something beautiful.
Stephanie brought back his faith. They've been together for a while now, and I've never seen him so happy in my whole life. We have six more days with him until he leaves for the army... And last night he told everybody him and Stephanie are engaged.
I spent the whole day babysitting her four year old daughter, Saleigh. While I'm sitting in the grass watching her run around she runs over and sits down on her knees next to me. I look over and smile, she smiles back with a chocolate frosting outline around her lips. Matthew pulls up in his car and Saleigh gasps for air, stands up and starts running towards him. He gets out and grabs her, holding her in the air while she's laughing loudly and kicking her feet. I was the happiest person in the world. Seeing happiness in my family doesn't compare to any amount of money, any chemical release of seretonin, any place in the world. It's the only thing I want.
While we sit downstairs he says, "I feel so lucky. You know? How all of this just fell into place for me." We talked about how everything feels like it's fixed. When we're in love we don't want to be anywhere else. When we lose love we're so certain that we are stuck in a forever loveless life. "It's hope that gets us through it all. No matter how hard it can be to believe in sometimes."
Who knows if any of us end up where we expect.
But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm sure it will be in the hands of something beautiful.
Friday, August 13, 2010
If time doesn't run out, than neither will I.
Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math when you were alive
No one's going to play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right?
It's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember to live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember when it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this?
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math when you were alive
No one's going to play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right?
It's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember to live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember when it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)