And all the lights that lead the way are blinding..

I miss the way I felt when I first started loving you. When that's all that I felt. And there was nothing else. It's weird thinking back on it, how separated we were forced apart. And how bad we wanted to break it. I would be so excited to get home to call you, just to hear your voice. I wouldn't sleep because I didn't ever want to hang up the phone. I remember nights when Erick would drive me to your house and we'd park outside and wait in the car for an hour until you could sneak out. And how excited I was to be in the back seat with you. It was so unreal when I could actually see you. I felt so many things at once. Everything was brand new. After we'd drop you off, Erick would drive me home, and the whole way back I'd talk about you. I couldn't stop. The next few weeks, when I couldn't see you, I was still so happy from just one night of being able to see you. And you never left my mind.

I loved sneaking you into my house. I remember the first time I asked you out.. Erick was asleep on the couch across from us in my room, and we were laying in my bed. I'd wake you up to a kiss, and then when you would fall back asleep I'd just pretend to. The whole time I was so nervous to ask you. When I woke you up again, and said it, you said "Yes.." and we laughed quietly and you said, "Finally." And then we fell back asleep and I couldn't stop smiling. When you left that night, I couldn't fall back asleep. I felt so alive.

There was a feeling rushing through my veins that I had never felt before and I never wanted it to stop.

Can't go any further than this

Good morning, I can't make myself get out of bed.

"You know when you'd always correct me when I'd say she's not the right girl for you? And you'd say she was? The right girl for you is someone who will love you just as much as you love her and want to be with you just as much as you want to be with her. That is who is right for you."

"But nobody knows who's right for me or who isn't, except for me. To me, she is the right one for me, I'm just not the right one for her. And I know that should change everything but it doesn't. I love her more than she loves me. What I feel with her is exactly spot on what I always wanted to feel with someone, and that's all that matters to me. All the messy parts don't make her any less right for me. I wish she wanted what I want. I don't know how to move on from her, but I think that telling myself that I need to is a really good first step. That's one thing that I've never done."

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to have to let go.
I feel useless, I feel stupid, ugly, and alone.

Love for granted

Tonight I realized that no, I don't want to move on from you. But I need to move on from you. And tonight is when I start. Tonight is the last night that I come across you flirting with other boys and get upset about it. You will never have enough male attention, even when you have me. You go from telling somebody the sweetest thing I have ever said to you, to telling them how good looking they are. You don't love me. You don't want the same things that I do. Pushing things away, or holding off on things was the only way I knew how to keep you around. Otherwise, I don't know how. I am constantly on edge. I'm always afraid. It's always me that has to bring us back together. Tonight was the last time that I'll call and hear your answering machine. The last time I ask you if I can come see you. I am destroying myself, and the respect I have for myself. I'm not weak, I do know how to leave, but I've waited because I thought I didn't need to. I thought you would listen to the things I needed you to do, or stop doing, but you don't, and I really don't think you ever will. I've put up with that for too long, I've let you be selfish for too long. Maybe this time I should of said something, but I've said it enough and I really don't know what else to say or do.

You say how much you loved yourself back when you were confident. What happens when you get that back? That's when I'm not in the picture anymore, and every other guy is. When you get your phone, that's when your inbox will be filling up with boys who can win your heart by calling you cute. I loved you. I do love you. When we started talking two summers ago, before I even saw you I loved who you were. I never once stopped. I don't know how to stop. I don't know when I'll stop.

I never gave up on you after all the times you gave up on me. What's so hard is that even though you put so much fear into me, when I'm with you, it's all gone. And not only do I not fear you, but I fear nothing at all. Every single thing felt right. You felt so right. And I really am scared that I won't ever find that with anybody else, all the things I felt with you. I don't know if I'll ever meet somebody that I felt so comfortable with. Or someone that loves all of the things that I love with out having to adjust to me.

You are so hard to let go of. It's not going to happen quickly. It's going to take time. And it's going to hurt. I want to keep us alive, more than anything else, but it's pulled me away from loving the things I normally love. It's pulled me away from other people. And it's pulled me away from myself. It's taking away all of my energy. I can't feel like this anymore. I can't keep living like this.

'Oh, these days are gone
Loud enough to hold on
I think about the time we wasted
I think about the years to come
It's getting late and I can't call
It's getting late to face it all
I think about the time we wasted
My loneliness has slowly grown
I told you not to cross the line
& leave me with your love for granted
The letters from your broken heart
I think I might have lost them somewhere

Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets

It doesn't matter right or wrong
As long as you are hiding somewhere

Even though we've said it all
I would never let us fall with you
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in
If it is for better'

Thanksgiving

When I looked around at all the people surrounding the candle lit table at dinner tonight, I wished my mom was sitting next to me. And I wish she didn't cry every holiday. I wish it was more than just a phone call that brought us together on days like this, but I am thankful.

When I looked across the table and saw Susan and my Dad holding hands and laughing, and drinking their wine, I thought about how happy I am that my dad isn't alone anymore. I thought about the times when me and my brothers would go out on weekend nights and we'd come home to him asleep on the couch in the living room, alone. With popcorn next to him and the main menu of a movie replaying over and over on the screen. Even when he was so alone, he still tried to make himself happy, on his own. And I thought about all of the women he dated that ended up leaving him, and how much it hurt him each time. When I looked at him and Susan I was so happy that he is finally exactly where he wants to be. I thought about how I call them my parents. And how they are parents to me. Even if nobody can ever take my moms place. And that my relationship with my mom is still so strong and kept together no matter how big the distance is between us.

I looked at David and thought about how nice it is to see him smile. How great it is to be with him when he's in between his pain, and feeling okay. And how all of the text messages in my phone were from him. How when we all lived together at the old house, I really felt like I didn't know him at all, and now we're so close. When we were in the basement, I didn't mind that I wasn't added into the conversation. I just wanted to listen. Matthew was so interested in all the things David had to say, and all the things he had to show him. And it was nice for David to be able to just talk to somebody about things. To feel something new. And to know that there's still people there that love him, no matter what. And even though it scares me that I don't know what he's going to do next, or how he talks about going into the army, at this moment he was sitting across from me and we were laughing at all the things my Grandpa is saying. And that's all that matters.

My family will always be the glue that has kept me together. And no matter how much we run away from each other, or push each other away, we are the most important things we all have. I miss my mom every single day. And I wish she could feel what I felt tonight. I want to fall asleep to her opening my door and whispering goodnight like she used to. I want to be wrapped in the comfort of knowing that she's here. But it's important to remember.. that it's important to remember.. My mom did feel this at one point, what I feel at this point.. She wants the same things that I do. And we're under the same sky. It's nice to know that tonight, even though she has a terrible fever, she's laying in bed with her husband, both of them sick together, and they're comfortable, and they're okay, and they're in love, and they're happy. And really, when all of my family is okay, I am too. I don't need anything else but to know that they're all happy.

That's what I'm thankful for. That tomorrow will be a new day, and maybe we'll all feel somethind different. But tonight we fall asleep with love inside of us, and nothing else.

Still - Volcano Choir

I keep taking things.. with out taking them in.

Justin came into town again this weekend. And it made me realize that every time I go to pick him up and bring him here, it's because each time I'm hoping it will feel somewhat like it used to. Our silence is weird. I hate it, but at the same time love the fact that it's not uncomfortable at all when it's so quiet that I can hear the rain falling on my car window.

What we did wasn't what I would of planned. We were never combined with each others friend groups. It was always just us. Now we have to be around other people to have fun. We never needed that before. I didn't want him to meet my friends, because he really doesn't know how to be social with anyone anymore, and none of them would understand him. I didn't want to smoke with him, because when he's high he's even more quiet. I didn't want to take him to a party where every ones dressed up, and he's in basketball shorts and this plain white polo with a big coat on. Where all the people who saw him would laugh and say how random he is. Where when he asks for a drink, girls start yelling at him, "Get your own fucking alcohol."

He'd just stand there. And stare. And at one point I looked over at him, he was standing alone by the table watching a bunch of drunk people playing beer pong. I made eye contact with his red eyes and felt.. alone. This wasn't what was great about our friendship. You can't pull somebody into those things after years of not seeing them, and expect it to feel the same. All of that, he's used to. That's all he has in his town. I want to pull him into something different. But that's not what he wanted, this was what he wanted. And I just wanted him to have fun. I wanted him to talk. When we'd be sitting in my room, or driving nowhere with redbulls in the cup holders, I was okay. This isn't the way I wanted to bring our friendship back to life. If I followed what I really wanted to do, I would of invited him to my house, I would of made food, and put Family Guy on the big screen TV downstairs. I would of hooked up the PS3 so we could play video games. And tell him stories about all the things he's missed out on.

Best friends isn't always forever. And it took years for me to convince myself that. I remember one night my freshman year, during winter, I was in my step moms car in the back seat. My dad in the front seat. I started crying. And I kept trying to blink it away and stay quiet because I didn't want them to see. By the time they parked in the drive way and opened their doors to go inside, I stayed in the back seat and put my head in my hands and let myself cry. It was raining and I was cold. As they were unlocking the front door to go inside my dad looked back and saw that I was still in the car, he turned around and opened the door and asked what was wrong. I told him I wished Justin still lived here. I said, "I'm not going to be the same person with out him as a friend. My life won't be the same." And he said, "But maybe you can remember that person you were when he was a friend." And for months I thought about how if maybe I don't lose the person I was when he was my friend, then maybe I can still feel good about our friendship. And I myself could be a constant reminder of what used to be great.

But I didn't keep that. And no, I don't regret the person I became with out him around. But I do regret ever bringing him back into my life and creating our friendship into something that it was never supposed to be. I regret making any of this a memory.. and not letting go, and just letting the good ones be the only thing I have to hold onto.