Mishaps are mishaps, bygones will be bygones.

Forgetting is harder than forgiving.

And sometimes,
it feels good to give in.

You're the first thing, and the last thing on my mind

I hate this whole situation, and how I feel right now.
I've gone from being in shock, to being pissed, to being depressed.

It's really hard loving someone but having so much anger towards them at the same time. And what's even worse is that it feels like I'm in the wrong for caring so much. It feels like it's wrong of me to want this back. The other day I was thinking about how happy I am and how I always have something to look forward to. You gave me so much to look forward to. I was looking forward to the summer. When you'd be ungrounded. And when you could finally escape from your dad. And I looked forward to next month when I'd get to come pick you up whenever since he would be out of the country. And now I just feel so disappointed.

I think I need to keep in mind why I'm angry though.
That's something I really shouldn't forget. Because finding out about the things that I was lied to about was important. I needed to hear all of that. Because maybe I can't trust you as much as I want to.

But I don't want to settle with the fact that we're done.
And I really don't want to go back to that person again. That hateful person that doesn't put trust into anybody.

You really were good for me. Or at least I think you were.
But last night I saw a side of you that I've never really seen before. You seemed heartless, and careless, and troubled, and for once it actually felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. I hate when people say to me, "I know how you feel. That was just a waste of time." That's not how I feel and it wasn't a waste of time. Nobody is a waste of my time. She was not a waste of my time. If anything she bettered me into a person that I liked being. I was really happy.

I just don't know now.

Cloudy Days

I'm so happy that you messaged me.

"I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry for everything that happened between us,
that I let some stupid guy come between our friendship,
and that I was so rude about that whole thing"

All of high school I couldn't quite grip the fact that we weren't friends anymore. It all happened because of your boyfriend. I hate him for taking away all of your friends. And I have to admit that I'm happy that you guys are apart now. But I guess the reason we stopped being friends was a lot of my fault, too.

For the last three years I've tried a lot to just get some closure with you.
I tried adding you on myspace a couple times, and every time you'd deny it. Whenever I would be with mutual friends of ours that were texting you, I'd tell them to tell you I said "hi" and you'd usually just say "oh, hi" or switch topics. I guess it got easier for me to accept, and after a while I just stopped caring. But I knew there would always be a reserved spot inside of me for our friendship. I knew that I would take it back any day.

It sounds sort of weird, but the thing I loved the most about our friendship was your house. I loved being at your house. In the summer. In the winter. It was always so comfortable. It was perfect. The big front porch with the swinging bench. The big red door. Your big bathroom with the old fashioned bath. The upstairs that we always thought was haunted. Your huge backyard with so many random things and the broken down cars your dad seemed to always be working on. Every time I drive by it so many memories come back. I always remember spending rainy days there. We'd spend so much time in the living room with all of your cats. I loved how it was such an old house, but so nice at the same time. And I always remember that time in the summer when we went into your dads old car and you pushed back the front seat, and I layed in the back seat with the cracked leather. And we rolled down the dirty windows and let the summer air in while we told scary stories or something ridiculous like that. So many childhood memories were with you. You were really a big part of my past.

I remember all of your secrets, your weaknesses, your strengths, your insecurities, your words, and your fears. I feel like I still know you as much as I always have. And I feel like if we did start to talk again, it wouldn't be hard to get caught up from what we've missed.

I replied to your message, and you haven't read it yet. But I'm really excited to see what happens next. I'd be so happy to be able to start over again with you. It'd be the greatest thing if you came back into my life again.

Waiting for the pages turn

I just want you to know that you do matter.
No matter what anybody says, and no matter what you believe, I just want you to know that one thing. You're amazing. And I love you.

I really hope you can block him out of your head. Because I know what it's like to have someone you care about so much break you down to feeling like nothing. It's terrible. And I guess this is his overdone tough love. I don't understand it.

Just please keep loving yourself, and remember the people that love you.
Keep that voice in the back of your head that tells you he's wrong.

Looking for the payback, listen for the playback

I could stop myself right now. Right here. Stay exactly how I am in my hopeful disposition. But all the signs are just showing me how terribley this is going to end up. This is probably the best thing I could possibly do right now. It's all I've ever used as my back up plan all of my life. It's been my biggest shield, my biggest protection, my escape, and my shortcut through everything.

Before I get even more attached, before I get letdown again, before I lose a little bit more of myself, I think it's time to push myself to keep moving on.

Because really, that's the way I've always done it.
That's all I've ever known.

The more you leave, the less you lose.