Showtime

I'm ready.
This time I know what I'm doing.
This time I know what I can, and can't do.
And this time, I really mean it.

It's time for a break through.

I'm ready to show what I'm capible of. And I'm ready to prove to everyone what I can do. I'm ready to prove that I've been underestimated.

I'm just getting started.
I'm forgetting about whatever the hell has happened, because it already happened.
I think finally I know how to not take things, or people too seriously. In the end, the only thing you can strongly rely on is yourself, and a couple great people around you.

I'm ready to be taken seriously

"Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down"

More than anyone else, my family makes me the happiest. I'm most comfortable around my moms side of the family. I love my Aunt Kris. I love Ashley and Jessica, Uncle Bobby and Aunt Theresa. I love Grandma Maryanne and Aunt Linda. Being around all of them is just comfortable to me. With my dads side of the family it's so different. I'm so uptight and it feels like I have to put on some type of act.

I love my aunt Kris' house. I could stay there forever.

This weekend really brought me close to my brother Matthew. It's like I got to really know him all over again. He was my ride up to Washington. He drives like a crazy person. But that's okay, because that's more fun.

The traffic was bad, but I really didn't mind. I like car rides. I liked the fact that the traffic made the drive longer, because the drive was relaxing to me. We sort of just sat in silence listening to the loud music, but it really wasn't uncomfortable. I like the fact that we actually try to be nice to each other now. He dealt with my phone going off just about every minute, and I forced myself to not complain about having to listen to his country music the whole way up there. We never said anything about it either. I liked that he started to play music on his iPod that I actually liked after a while. I've grown to love the song Into the Ocean. If I heard it at any other time, I probably wouldn't of seen it as anything special. But I guess I just love some songs because of the moments they remind me of. I have a new appreciation for the song Only God Knows Why, and I've grown to have a tolerance for Tim McGraw songs. Music can really connect you with people. And peoples taste in music can really show you the type of person they are.

The trip was nice. Not long enough.. But nice.
I already miss everyone. Every time I leave from seeing my mom, and come home, I lose a little bit more of myself. It was really hard to see her cry as we drove off.

I am so thankful for my family.
I love you all.

Plans. Fears, And Expectations

Today has just been a huge outlook on my future, and an outlook on where I am right now, and what I'm really doing with my life..

After school today my dad set up a meeting with Mr. Cabrerra, Mrs. Childs, and Mr. Cisco. All through fourth period I was a nervous wreck thinking about how the meeting was gonna go, and thinking about what they were going to say. It went okay. I don't know why I have such a hard time keeping a straight face in serious situations. I kept laughing, and it made it look like I wasn't taking it seriously. It really just seemed like they weren't taking me seriously. Every time I would say something, they would all get silent and just.. stare at me. I can't think of one thing I said where I actually got a good response. It was ridiculous and I felt like I wasn't being heard, at all.

My attendance for this year is 80%
Which means I've basically missed 1 or 2 days out of every week this year. I can't do that anymore. A lot of questions were asked during the meeting. A lot of questions that I've sort of been ignoring.

"What do you plan to do after High School?"
"Where do you plan on going for college?"
"What are you planning on studying?"
"Do you realize you need to double up on math?"

"What are your plans?"

Plans. Plans. Plans.

I have no plans.
I have no idea what my future is going to be like..

I really need to step up. Surprisingly my dad isn't even punishing me. Even after finding out about my flaky attendance, and lack of effort in my classes. He didn't take away anything from me. I guess he has faith in me. The thing is, while I was in the meeting I really felt motivated, and I told them that I'm really ready to change my ways. But I guess I was lying to them and myself, because already, I've lost whatever inspiration I had at that point. I'm worried I'm already tied down with these bad study habits..

My horoscope today,
"It seems natural for you to think in grand terms about your future now, yet this doesn't mean that your head is off in the clouds. To the contrary, your reasoning is probably quite sound if your feet remain firmly planted on the ground. Try to take it in stride if someone seems resistant or even combative to your plans. Instead of engaging in a public scuffle, just act intelligently to further your own point of view."

What goes around comes back around

I know it sounds extremely tacky, but if my life were a movie, everytime I see you it would be the scene where everything goes into slow motion and the intense music comes in. I get that nervous feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to race. It sounds like the way people describe what it feels like when you see someone you love, but the funny thing about that is it's the complete opposite feeling. It's actually really ridiculous. I don't wanna feel like this all the time. I don't wanna have to change the route I take to class just so I don't have to run into you. I avoid any conflict lately.

Is peace between us really too much to ask for?
To be honest, I'm over it. I get over shit fast but I don't forget it.
I feel like this is the way to handle the situation if we were 13.
I feel like these blank stares and nervous feelings are a waste of energy.

I know we can't just put this behind us like it happened a long time ago, but there's also no point to carry it on like it's the end of the world. But sure.. go ahead.. keep doing what you're doing I guess if that's what works best for you. But I'm done. You can keep your hatered close, but I'd rather not. I'm too happy of a person to deal with these kinds of things.
I don't waste my time on these kind of things.

I need you here

"Fuck, this hurts so much.."
"Yeah, I know. But that is life. If nothing else, that's life, you know? Its real, and sometimes it hurts, but it's sort of all we have.."

"How are you feeling?"
"Safe. When I'm with you I feel so safe. Like I'm home."

The whole time I was watching Garden State I was thinking about you, and what we have, and about where we're going. I really feel so happy. Being with you friday was so nice. Even if it was just for a couple hours. After the movie was over tonight, you texted me and told me how you're losing feelings and starting to question what we have.

I don't want to lose you.
Why throw away feelings we don't need to throw away just because we're unsure of what the other one feels.

You mean so much to me and I'm not giving you up.