A million hours left to think of you, and think of that

Tonight I turned down an invite to Jacksons with Nick and Kyle just because I haven't talked to Jackson for so long. It probably wouldn't be as uncomfortable as I was making it up to be in my head. I also denied an invite to Micheles party. At her house. We always talked about how much we wanted to have a party there. I didn't want to show up sober, with her drunk with all her drunk friends that I don't even like. Nicks mad that I'm not coming over there, and I wouldn't blame him. I mean, I cancel out so much when it comes to making plans with him. And it's really never on purpose. Something always seems to come up..

Truth is, I'm feeling really lonely lately.

I miss hanging out with Cameron. And all of his friends that I was introduced to through him. And Joseph. And Natasha. And most of all Justin. I spend years wanting the best friendship I've ever had back, and then can't even answer his phone calls because I'm too fucking scared. God, I don't want to even go on listing more. It's too hard. I hate even complaining about this. This is what I created. This was all for the best. I have put myself in the place I'm in right now.

Everywhere I drive past seems to be me driving past a neighborhood of an old best friend. Every part of the city, a memory with someone that I don't have around anymore. Fuck, I've been "best friends" with just about everyone at some point- and don't talk to most of them at all. I'm not even sure what the term "best friends" even means anymore. When I try to make plans with a group, it's like, sure. I have a couple friends here, and a couple there. But none of them are friends too. None of them mix well. It's really narrowed down for me. And I know that half of it is my fault. I pushed most of them away. But is it too late to say that I want a lot of them back?

Love is noise, Love is pain

Over half of your posts would be written after we would get off of the phone, when we'd talk all night. I'd wake up in the morning, log on here, and usually see something written about me. And I know sometimes it's hard for you to express things out loud, but you did it so perfectly through writing.

On April 11th you delete them all. And I can't explain how much that hurt, or how much I wish I could read them again.

But I guess I don't need them. I just miss your words.
I know how good it's been all along. But it's nice to look back and remember.

I love you. I don't even know if you read this anymore.. But I'm sorry for trying to push your words out of you. I know that that's what you used to see as my biggest flaw. How worrisome I was. How I tend to over think everything you say. I just want you to be happy. Last night the silence killed me. And I wanted to keep talking about it, but I knew it needed to be dropped. The only thing I knew how to do was cheer you up and move on from it. Because I knew it was out of my control. But of course, you know me, it's always going to be in the back of my mind. I'm worried about you and I want you to be happy. I know you're strong enough to push through what's coming up and I'll be by your side the whole time.

Exit Here by Jason Myers

"No, Travis. You don't confront people about things that are out of your control. You bury it inside, and move the fuck on. That's how you deal with shit. It makes you stronger. I'll never be weak like my mother."

"Laura."
"What?"
"We're all fucking weak."
She says, "Just call me a cab."


"This is it son. The future, your future. Just do what I ask of you and listen to me. Quit fighting me."
"I'm not fighting you dad. I'm fighting myself."


"I need her back, Michael."
"No you don't"
"Yes I do. I have to have something again."
"You already have it all, Travis. Everything. What more could you want?"
"I want to go back."
"Why"
"Because it's the only thing I know."


"My slate will never be wiped clean- This will never fade into the background and become some sort of learning experience or bump in the road. The shit that happened in my life is real. And because I finally woke up to that whole realization much too late- the realization that life really happens and there is always a consequence for your actions- I lost everything, in some sense, but in a weird kind of way, if you flip it all around, I may have gained the most important thing of all: The truth. I can live with that"


Enter apathy.

Both my shoulders are heavy, from the weight of us both

It really sucks that I'm not trusted to be at the house alone. It was uncomfortable coming home to a complete stranger sleeping in our house last night. And knowing they are there for me. It really sucks that I've been gone for two weeks and when you came home today, you yell your face off about a bra you found in the house, blame it on me, only to find out it was just one of Matthews friends that left it in the bathroom after changing. Instead of asking me how my trip was. Instead of welcoming me home. I mean, you didn't even make eye contact with me when you walked in. And the whole trip, I was really anxious to come home. Not because I wasn't having a good time. But because I wanted to see you again, and didn't like how we left things off.

And tonight you just go off on me about what my plans are. And I mean, what the hell. It's summer. Why are you asking me this, right once I walk in the door. You ask me when am I going to start being productive. You settle down. I say I love you. You shut the door. I just want to know where this anger comes from at times like this. On an August night. At 1:00 in the morning.

"Please don't let this turn into something that it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The weight of water,
the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned.
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was "Love"

Let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it now

I'm where the nights are warm and the days are long,
and when the day is gone the night lives on.

I am hundreds of miles away from home and it feels great.

I loved last night and the boardwalk. And how amazing it looked lit up. Seeing the ocean from the top of all of the rides. And the scent of the salt water in the warm air. The music and the lights.

I love it here. And it's what throws my mind all over the place. Is this the place for me? Where I should come after high school? It's hard thinking about leaving Eugene when it's all I've ever known. It's hard picturing my best friend leaving with out me. The only one that feels like my real best friend. It's all so familiar and comforting to me in Eugene. There is so much adventure here. There is so much I would enjoy here.

Every part of this state I've seen so far, I've loved.
And I really need to keep that in my mind.