"And you really, really need to get used to that feeling, here, on the freeway, at work, in your marriage. This is the world we live in. Just go with the prompts.
No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention."
Monday, January 12, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Let's take our chances
I was up until 5:30 talking to steph on the phone.
And today, I slept in and missed school.
I know I should of got off the phone earlier last night, but I couldn't.
We talked about everything there is to talk about. And we agreed on every opinion we had. We talked about religion. And how we question if there is a heaven, or if there is a hell. And how ridiculous it is that people dedicate their whole life for their after life. How we just want to do what we want now, and not worry about it. And what happens after our life? Is that it? Are we just forgotten? And we realized how in the length of time that the earth lives, our life time is just a split second of it. After this will we be forgotten? We're really just another drop in the ocean. It makes you feel smaller than ever. What happens when the world ends? I mean, then there's really nothing. It's just the galaxy holding absolutely nothing. She got my mind racing about all of that. It's really a scary thought to think about anything that just ends. We talked about how much school is a waste of time, and how much it's holding us back from doing everything there is to do. And how life is just a playground and we really shouldn't have to work, or any of that. We got into science talk and she kept bringing up theories that they discovered like, "They know how to capture images of your imagination now." But I just told her it's a myth. And she told me about her childhood. And I told her about my future. And I felt really close with her.
Not having my phone is the worst thing.
And not being able to see her gets harder every day.
But wow. I love her a lot.
I really need to get caught up in school..
We share conversations on how we're all just floating through space and nothing matters. I'm looking for a pattern.
Is it possible to say, baby lets run away to the East Coast, or Seattle.
Corpus or St. Marcus. I've got a credit card, and a reliable car. Let's drive...
And today, I slept in and missed school.
I know I should of got off the phone earlier last night, but I couldn't.
We talked about everything there is to talk about. And we agreed on every opinion we had. We talked about religion. And how we question if there is a heaven, or if there is a hell. And how ridiculous it is that people dedicate their whole life for their after life. How we just want to do what we want now, and not worry about it. And what happens after our life? Is that it? Are we just forgotten? And we realized how in the length of time that the earth lives, our life time is just a split second of it. After this will we be forgotten? We're really just another drop in the ocean. It makes you feel smaller than ever. What happens when the world ends? I mean, then there's really nothing. It's just the galaxy holding absolutely nothing. She got my mind racing about all of that. It's really a scary thought to think about anything that just ends. We talked about how much school is a waste of time, and how much it's holding us back from doing everything there is to do. And how life is just a playground and we really shouldn't have to work, or any of that. We got into science talk and she kept bringing up theories that they discovered like, "They know how to capture images of your imagination now." But I just told her it's a myth. And she told me about her childhood. And I told her about my future. And I felt really close with her.
Not having my phone is the worst thing.
And not being able to see her gets harder every day.
But wow. I love her a lot.
I really need to get caught up in school..
We share conversations on how we're all just floating through space and nothing matters. I'm looking for a pattern.
Is it possible to say, baby lets run away to the East Coast, or Seattle.
Corpus or St. Marcus. I've got a credit card, and a reliable car. Let's drive...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Loves gonna get you down
Ever since thanksgiving my brother has "completely fallen" for this girl, Amanda. I guess because she's different from any other girl he's been with. My brothers a socialite, a partier, a drinker, and usually just hooks up with girls and doesn't stay with them. I guess he was happy that this time it was real. I'm guessing she was a bit of a symbol of him trying to settle down. At least for a while I think he wanted to have some commitment and something that would break free from a lifestyle where you're only with the girl for a night.
But when winter break started he found out she doesn't want to be with him anymore. She doesn't want to be in a relationship. She just wants to be friends. Whatever thing they had going, she ended out of nowhere. And so all break, every god damn night, he's out at the house all depressed. And it's really frustrating to watch. Love does that to a person. Sometimes, whatever common sense you have in your mind is thrown out when you love someone. I listened to him talking to my dad in the living room every night and he kept saying things like, "Maybe she still wants me back." And he came in to my room just about every other hour, begged for my laptop, so he could catch her while she was on facebook. It really was just becoming an obsession.
For a while, I thought maybe she really is leading him on, and that's why he won't let go. But tonight the talk in the living room with my dad was different. I heard him use the word "closure" and heard him say "this is just how it is now. were just friends now"
Me being the lurker that I am, I logged onto his facebook when he left the house. I've known his password for everything ever since I was in middle school. And I feel guilty that I did this, but that's how I've always been. I'm a very nosey person.
The IM box with Amanda was still there.
He kept saying things like
"I just wanna talk about whats going on.. one more time.. just so I can get this straight.."
You could tell she wasn't paying much attention to the conversation because after everything he would send you'd see, "Amanda just wrote on someones wall"
"I just dont know what went wrong"
And she told him,
"I dont know what you understand. We've talked about this multiple times.. Last time we talked about it, it was about a 2 hour long conversation. I really thought we set things straight. I think you're a cool guy, but I just don't want anything right now"
He said something like "Maybe we have a chance in the future?"
"Yeah! Maybe! I'll let you know :)"
She says it as if it's something so casual.
And then she did the worst thing she could do, switch topics. But not only did she switch topics, but she switched to asking him if he could get her and her friends alcohol. She's a year away from being able to do that on her own.
But he didn't reply to that, he kept going on and on and on about how he wants her back. She ignored everything he typed, and asked again. I really don't like her. When looking at her page she seemed like a really annoying girl. The type of girl that considers herself crazy and outgoing because she is loud and talks with a high pitch voice. The type of girl that enjoys what she's doing to Matthew because she likes the attention. But I mean, that's coming from me, the most judgemental person you'll come across.
The conversation ended terribly.
"Okay well I'm glad we had this talk, and yeah, I'll get you and your friends drinks for Friday night. I just hope you know that you're such an amazing girl and I really think you're great.. I just wish things would of worked"
"Haha yeah you're okay, I guess... Just kidding. Jk"
And then she signed off.
This is living proof of the power love has over people.
Living proof that people abuse that power.
And proof that sometimes love, can hurt more than hate.
But when winter break started he found out she doesn't want to be with him anymore. She doesn't want to be in a relationship. She just wants to be friends. Whatever thing they had going, she ended out of nowhere. And so all break, every god damn night, he's out at the house all depressed. And it's really frustrating to watch. Love does that to a person. Sometimes, whatever common sense you have in your mind is thrown out when you love someone. I listened to him talking to my dad in the living room every night and he kept saying things like, "Maybe she still wants me back." And he came in to my room just about every other hour, begged for my laptop, so he could catch her while she was on facebook. It really was just becoming an obsession.
For a while, I thought maybe she really is leading him on, and that's why he won't let go. But tonight the talk in the living room with my dad was different. I heard him use the word "closure" and heard him say "this is just how it is now. were just friends now"
Me being the lurker that I am, I logged onto his facebook when he left the house. I've known his password for everything ever since I was in middle school. And I feel guilty that I did this, but that's how I've always been. I'm a very nosey person.
The IM box with Amanda was still there.
He kept saying things like
"I just wanna talk about whats going on.. one more time.. just so I can get this straight.."
You could tell she wasn't paying much attention to the conversation because after everything he would send you'd see, "Amanda just wrote on someones wall"
"I just dont know what went wrong"
And she told him,
"I dont know what you understand. We've talked about this multiple times.. Last time we talked about it, it was about a 2 hour long conversation. I really thought we set things straight. I think you're a cool guy, but I just don't want anything right now"
He said something like "Maybe we have a chance in the future?"
"Yeah! Maybe! I'll let you know :)"
She says it as if it's something so casual.
And then she did the worst thing she could do, switch topics. But not only did she switch topics, but she switched to asking him if he could get her and her friends alcohol. She's a year away from being able to do that on her own.
But he didn't reply to that, he kept going on and on and on about how he wants her back. She ignored everything he typed, and asked again. I really don't like her. When looking at her page she seemed like a really annoying girl. The type of girl that considers herself crazy and outgoing because she is loud and talks with a high pitch voice. The type of girl that enjoys what she's doing to Matthew because she likes the attention. But I mean, that's coming from me, the most judgemental person you'll come across.
The conversation ended terribly.
"Okay well I'm glad we had this talk, and yeah, I'll get you and your friends drinks for Friday night. I just hope you know that you're such an amazing girl and I really think you're great.. I just wish things would of worked"
"Haha yeah you're okay, I guess... Just kidding. Jk"
And then she signed off.
This is living proof of the power love has over people.
Living proof that people abuse that power.
And proof that sometimes love, can hurt more than hate.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
To answer your question, it will probably take more.
Sometimes I sort of wish my blogspot wasn't discovered, at all.
I wish that I never posted the link on my myspace.
And I wish that I didn't have a 3 row list of followers.
Just because I sort of hold back on saying anything that I want to say.
But at the same time, I love that people are actually interested. That people actually care about what goes on in my normal life. But then again, maybe my life isn't as normal as I think it is. It's probably not as normal as I present it on here, or make it up to be. Although on here it sounds like it's just the same shit, but a different day, it's actually changing drastically all the time. I guess sometimes I like that. Because no day is ever the same as the one before. I purposely throw in something to change it, or it changes itself. Because I don't like to feel routine.
Sometimes I wish people wouldn't bring up the things I type on here in person. Not only is it awkward, but it's personal. Sometimes the people that bring it up, are people that I didn't even know read it. It's actually a scary feeling to think that they think they know all that goes on. Thinking they have me figured out down to the core. but really, this isn't even a half of it. There's a lot of empty spaces on this blog. And by that, I mean there's a lot that people don't know. I never really throw in all the details, or everything that really happened, just because there's somethings I just want to keep to myself. My life is packed full of details that people don't know about. And I like that.
I hope I never become someone that is easy to define.
I wish that I never posted the link on my myspace.
And I wish that I didn't have a 3 row list of followers.
Just because I sort of hold back on saying anything that I want to say.
But at the same time, I love that people are actually interested. That people actually care about what goes on in my normal life. But then again, maybe my life isn't as normal as I think it is. It's probably not as normal as I present it on here, or make it up to be. Although on here it sounds like it's just the same shit, but a different day, it's actually changing drastically all the time. I guess sometimes I like that. Because no day is ever the same as the one before. I purposely throw in something to change it, or it changes itself. Because I don't like to feel routine.
Sometimes I wish people wouldn't bring up the things I type on here in person. Not only is it awkward, but it's personal. Sometimes the people that bring it up, are people that I didn't even know read it. It's actually a scary feeling to think that they think they know all that goes on. Thinking they have me figured out down to the core. but really, this isn't even a half of it. There's a lot of empty spaces on this blog. And by that, I mean there's a lot that people don't know. I never really throw in all the details, or everything that really happened, just because there's somethings I just want to keep to myself. My life is packed full of details that people don't know about. And I like that.
I hope I never become someone that is easy to define.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I am blank
I don't know.
I guess this is the way things are sometimes.
I guess the greatest things can just end out of no where.
This is exactly what I've been scared of all along. And it's happening. It's real now.
I miss the night laying in the car with you at 4:00 in the morning in the random parking lot while it was raining. Just being there with you, and being able to hold you was the greatest feeling ever. That's really all I want right now. To just be with you.
I don't want to think about what this will be like.
I can't believe he won't let you go anywhere until summer.
And I don't know what I'll do not being able to talk to you at all since your phone will be canceled. I have no clue what we do, or where we go from here.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
Right now I feel more alone than I have ever felt before.
With out you, I'm just right back to feeling like I'm just here. I'm blank. I'm living, and I'm breathing, but I don't feel as alive as I did before. I don't know anymore.
When I told you I can't lose feelings for you I meant it.
And I hope you meant it to.
I don't know what happens now.
Who knows what we'll be, or where we'll be when summer comes around.
What if he really sends you to Portland by then?
I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I'm a mess.
I guess this is the way things are sometimes.
I guess the greatest things can just end out of no where.
This is exactly what I've been scared of all along. And it's happening. It's real now.
I miss the night laying in the car with you at 4:00 in the morning in the random parking lot while it was raining. Just being there with you, and being able to hold you was the greatest feeling ever. That's really all I want right now. To just be with you.
I don't want to think about what this will be like.
I can't believe he won't let you go anywhere until summer.
And I don't know what I'll do not being able to talk to you at all since your phone will be canceled. I have no clue what we do, or where we go from here.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
Right now I feel more alone than I have ever felt before.
With out you, I'm just right back to feeling like I'm just here. I'm blank. I'm living, and I'm breathing, but I don't feel as alive as I did before. I don't know anymore.
When I told you I can't lose feelings for you I meant it.
And I hope you meant it to.
I don't know what happens now.
Who knows what we'll be, or where we'll be when summer comes around.
What if he really sends you to Portland by then?
I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I'm a mess.
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