Tuesday, February 27, 2007
It's night like these that I just want to leave this town and go move with my mom in Idaho. I mean, I've gotten used to not living with her sence I was 5 but, every once in a while, something hits me. And I keep saying to myself 'Half of my life, I don't get to see my mom. I see her every other month, and it's usally a short period of time.' I don't want to keep living like this, but I have to make myself realize I have to deal with it
It was the most depressing thing ever going through my voice mails
there was about seven messages from her saying "I love you michael, I miss you. I haven't talked to you for so long" I didn't realize how many calls of hers I missed. when I'm with friends and she calls I'll just not answer sometimes, and say "I'll call her later" that makes me feel so terrible. You can just hear by the sound of her voice in the messages how much she misses me, how much she misses my brothers, how much she wants to see us again. I hate this, I remember the last time I went to her house we were sitting in her living room, just talking about things, talking about life
She said something like "You're getting older, you're going to stop calling soon. You have better things to do then talk to your mom" and she laughed like she didn't see it as a big deal, just realized that things are going to change. I really didn't agree I told her I wouldn't do that, I promised her I wouldn't stop calling her. "Yeah, that's what your brothers said too. But it happens, you grow up. It's okay, thats what happens" And I promised her again I would NEVER ignore her calls, and I'd call her daily
I just miss her so much
I wish I kept that promise. I really am starting to call her more
things aren't going good for her right now, she's having troubles with her boyfriend, and I feel so bad. My brothers are both older then me, they both have jobs, and are in college and have girl friends, and they don't get to talk to her as much anymore cause their living their own lives, sure they still call her every once in a while. And sence I haven't been answering, she's just been getting voicemails. That's all she's been getting anymore, the answering machines. I hate that, she dosen't deserve that, I feel so terrible, she's the greatest mom I could ever ask for. It's like I don't know where I should go. Go live with her? Or just stay here. I know I would never be able to leave this town, and leave my friends. But I feel so terrible that she's up there without any of her kids with her. She doesnt have enough money to move back down here. So it almost feels as if I'm forced to choose where to go live.
the last message I listened to from her
"Michael! I love you, I really want to know how things are going
I know you're probably with your friends right now, but I'll leave a message anyway. I miss you so much and I just want to check how you're doing in school, what fun things have been happening, how's the family? Just call me back okay? I love you"
even though she can't read this
I love you too mom
Posted by Michael Fitzgerald at 10:16 PM
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
My god, good book. Just some good quotes?:
"But all endsings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time"
"There are five people you meet in heaven" the Blue Man suddenly said. "Each of us was in your life for a reason. You may not have known the reason at the time, and that is what heaven is for. For understanding your life on earth."
The blue man smiled "No, edward. You are here so I can teach you something, All the people you meet here have one thing to teach you."
Eddie was skeptical. His fists stayed clenched
"What?" he said
"That there are no random acts. That we are all conected. That you can no more seperate one life from another, than you can seperate a breeze from the wind"
"Strangers" The blue man said "are just family you have yet to come to know."
"No life is a waste. The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."
"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completley into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."
"Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."
"What happened?" she asked. "During the war?" He had never quite told her. It was all understood. Soldiers, in his day, did what they had to do and didn't speak of it once they came home. He thought about the men he'd killed. He thought about the guards. He thought about the blood on his hands. He wondered if he'd ever be forgiven. "I lost myself," he said. "No," his wife said. "Yes," he whispered, and she said nothing else.
"There was a reason to it all," she said.
"What reason?" he said. "How could there be a reason? You died. You were forty-seven. You were the best person any of us knew, and you died and you lost everything. And I lost everything. I lost the only woman I ever loved."
She took his hands. "No, you didn't. I was right here. And you loved me anyway. Lost love is still love eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those sences weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."
"Life has to end" she said "Love dosen't"
"The secret of heaven: Each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."
BEST BOOK EVER
go read it
Posted by Michael Fitzgerald at 10:59 PM
Friday, February 16, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
Well, I found out today that you go to Cottage Grove High School now. I was always wondering why I would never see you around school anymore. I feel stupid typing this, because you might see it as me making a big deal out of nothing. It just feels weird. It's like were strangers, I really thought I got over all this but here I am, stressing about it again. I sent you a text this morning and asked what have you been up to. I didn't expect to hear "I go to cottage grove high now" maybe "Lets go to lunch someday this week or something" I hate this, I know it's still possible to hangout but it just seems like that never really happens anymore. I miss being best friends. I miss living right down the street from you. I just miss the old days more then anything.
Posted by Michael Fitzgerald at 6:08 PM